Yes or No - is this normal?

[oldandnewthursday]

NC for this.

My OH and I have been together for 3 years. No DCs. OH's mother is preparing to move house. OH naturally wanted to go and assist with packing boxes. OH's mother lives alone, few friends etc, divorced. I assumed I would be going with my OH to help. My OH tells me that his mother didn't want me there. I asked why not, and he said she had told him she was sick of always meeting as a group (ie my parents and her and me and OH for Sunday lunches - we do this a lot), and sick of me always being there when it is just me, her and my OH. She just wanted to see my OH.

Question 1:
I felt very hurt by this. My first question is based on just that information above, is this a usual/normal thing to want/request by a mother, whose son is in a serious relationship with someone? It has always been natural for us to see family together as a couple as we live far from them all.

Question 2:
The second question I have, is should I be worried about the mother's request when considering the following information?:

• FIL has warned us about MIL's desire to want us to break up and told me OH not to take any of her comments to heart (they are divorced)
• MIL has in the past told my OH that when going through hospital appointments (for potential very serious illness), she didn't want my OH to tell me or his dad (I personally found this hugely selfish of her considering how distraught my OH was over the potnetial illness)
• MIL has emailed OH in the past and suggested he move away from me, suggested he meets other people and tones down his relationshop as he is 'too young' to settle (he's 28).
• There's other things I could mention but essentially I feel she has a very emotionally tangled relationship with my OH that I find disturbing.

I have asked two separate qs as I really wanted to know if this was normal generally, as well as in the context of things.

Thank you in advance for any repsonses!

No, it isn't normal.

It may be how she feels, but as an adult she should be able to put up with your visits - as you would hers.

It seems a strange mother/son relationship - she doens't want to let him grow up.

The initial request I wouldn't find so strange. I know there are times that I have requested to spend time with a friend/sibling without their partner, but add into that the things you said in question 2, then it all starts to look a bit shady.

Under normal circumstances, I don't think that it is unreasonable for a mum to want to see her child on his or her own every now and again without their partner. My son is only 4, so I'm not sure how I'll feel later, but I certainly like to see my parents on my own every now and again, without my partner or child, and I think they like it too, even though they adore my DS and get on well with my DP.

However, in your case, I can see why it feels disturbing and why it would be more difficult to let him see her on his own. The language of being "sick of" something is also very insensitive if that is how she actually phrased it. Is he aware of what she is like re wanting to split the two of you up? If so, I guess you really have to trust him to do the right thing. Certainly banning him from seeing her on his own is not going to help matters.

I'd say maybe normal generally - I like seeing my mum occasionally without DH so I can moan or gossip but in the wider context of the other info that is really not normal. I'd perhaps suggest she wants your OH as a surrogate spouse.

If you are the recent poster I am thinking about who has written at length about your man and his mother you will keep on getting the same types of responses even with name changes.

In answer to both your questions, no not normal at all (but it is all normal for those who are in dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy family units). She wants him still dependent on her and he probably goes along with it out of self preservation and want of a quiet life (mainly that reason).

Do you really want to be with this man knowing full well that he will keep on kowtowing to his mother's every whim and fancy?. You will still play second fiddle to all this.

Such women like his mother as well have no friends for very good reason.

Attila I have posted before about my OH and MIL but not recently. I understand I will get the same responses and I am not trying to mislead anything here, I just wanted the information to be fresh and not answered with the background of anything else MIL may have done - essentially to know whether I am being fair in feeling that this scenario is wrong.

I know you are right with your response and I don't know what to do about it. Short of physically making my OH change his behaviour towards her, I don't think this sort of thing will change :/

Your man is also part of the overall problem here re his mother; his inertia is simply hurting both himself as well as you.

Re your comment:-
Short of physically making my OH change his behaviour towards her, I don't think this sort of thing will change :/
Exactly. Its hard enough to change even one aspect of your own behaviours; asking someone else to change theirs is an exercise in futility and its not going to happen.

You have to decide whether you can put up with it or not; I would suggest you think long and hard about this relationship with your man and whether it actually has any real future in it because from what you write its not looking at all good. If you did go onto have children, would you want his mother to have any sort of a relationship with these children?.

Attila I just feel like his mother is a really, really strange and difficult person. I have genuinely never come across anything like it in my life, and it brings to the surface many distasteful emotions for me - I feel angry on DP's behalf, I feel sad that my DP can't fully see the exent of her behaviour and I feel frustrated that we can't just be what I would class as a 'norma;' family (if there is such a thing!).

Since posting on MN I have had my eyes opened to the fact that there are unfortunately people out there who are hugely dysfunctional and who sometimes it is actually impossible to have a proper relationship with. Perhaps in my naiveity I thought I could make this all better for my DP and even thought I could be MIL's friend. Time for me to grow up maybe.

no

Well, my exH used to spend time with his mother without me there, and I used to spend time with my dad without him. But then, I used to spend time with my MIL and my exH used to spend time with my dad alone too.

I hope that, in the future, my children and their partners won't always come as an entirely inseparable package.

But there was certainly never any sense of people wanting anyone to split up either.

I am not surprised you're a bit hurt OP. The request to see your OH by himself, in the context of a relationship where your MIL is basically trying to oust you is a difficult one to handle.

FWIW, I think your MIL does sound like she is a bit bonkers. Possibly clingy and embittered after the divorce, possibly a bit mentally ill.

I suspect, however, that the real issue lies between you and your DH. I think it would be totally normal in the circs to worry about DH's commitment - are you getting the reassurance you need from him that he's not listening to this crap that she's spouting?

shovetheholly I asked him to tell her that I am part of his life for good and that while she can make that request from time to time, it willl not be a regular occurance. He said he wouldn't say that as it would upset her, but he would say it if she asked him on a regular basis. To me, that isn't the point, though. The point is that she needs to know she can't make demands of him.

I was in tears when he told me what she had said about the hospital - maybe I am over the top but ti me that is an abusive way to treat your son. Why on earth would you want to stop him having other people to talk to about something like that? It makes me feel sick.

If I am honest, I think DP does know on some level that she is irriational and needy and that their relationship isn't normal. I don't think he would ever make a decision on us from what she said. But I feel like that is only the case because I counteract what she says/does and highlight that it isn't the right way to behave. It feels tiring to always have to do that.

Agree with others. The idea that your dh can see his mum alone isn't that weird. I certainly don't think of dh and myself as a 'package' who have to see both sets of parents together all the time. Both of us see our parents on our own, as well as together, and I think parent-child only time remains important, even as an adult. (Neither set of parents would ever be so crass as to say anything, mind you, it just happens)

However, the context you describe is - clearly - not normal, and as such colours the responses to her request. How does your dh respond to her requests to keep you out of information, and her attempts to pull him away from you? That's the biggest issues, imo.

Yes to seeing grown up children on their own occasionally. It lets them let off steam about their relationship if they need to knowing it will go no further.

No to him coming on his own to help her pack.

Many hands make light work and if you were willing to help she should count her lucky stars that there was another pair of willing hands on offer.

Red flag!

When my children, whatever their age took up with partners we used to shuffle along the bus to make room for them.

We knew we did not have an exclusive path to their door and they came as a package.

Often on a visit a son would chat to their dad and I would chat to the partner or we would swap about ...BUT..all we were welcome. Even if they dragged half their street with them. My door is always open.

I don't understand this petty jealousy .

Nose , face , spite, cut off.....rearrange these key words to make a sentence that you should never do!

Dowser that is the approach my parents have with my relationship.

I know my parents appreicate time just with meon the odd ocassions - and I mean maybe once or twice a year - but they would never ever ask that of me. And in the circumstances, it is incredibily dfficult for me or my DP to see family completely alone as welive very far and it's usually a meet up (with them all as the journey is so long) or a staying over weekend job. Neither of us fancies a 2.5 hour drive alone.

I think if this hhad been his dad asking, it would have made me unfomfortable but I wouldn't have this feeling of dread associated to it. I don't trust his mother one bit and feel she is hugely manipulative with him and is an incredibly bad influence. The entire reason she is moving house is because she has fallen out with the neighbours.

I just hope if I have kids I'm not this much of a negative force intheir lives.

OP, I think his mother requesting alone time with her son not that abnormal especially as you say you tend to do a lot as a group with your parents. On top of this she doesn't have a partner, many friends etc so I could understand that alone time with her son would be a big deal to her. I do think it is needy behaviour but I've personally had a few friends complain of similar behaviour by MIL/boyfriend's mother's over the year. I think her comments re you helping out were blunt and hurtful but a good indication of her resentment towards your relationship with her son which probably explains her behaviour in the second part of your question. I think you have a long road of misery ahead of you!