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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Facebooks ability to make me dwell

36 replies

MikeTheShite · 19/02/2015 09:16

Hi all,
I'm single mum to dd 2.5, I've been on my own for over three years after when I found out I was 6 months pregnant my DP leaving me for OW. (Cheating for quite a while)
I moved back to my parents with nothing, had to give up work.
Now I have a beautiful daughter, lovely house, dog, car, I have enough financiLly. Excellent friends and family and I changed career and I am now a student nurse.

Dd sees xp twice a month for 24 hours. Lots of me driving.

However, I am positive and even though I have moments every day where I miss what could have been I am on the whole realistic.

This morning though a mutual friend posted a picture of him and ow on Facebook with a caption of 'don't spoilt what you have by thinking of what you do not, you already have more than you already hoped for'

YES AT MY AND MY CHILDS EXPENSE.

It's made me realise how 3 years on how angry and bitter I still am.
He's a crap dad he really is so I can't understand why I feel this way.

Is it a case of a woman scorned?
Or
Because I have to work so bloody hard to just plod along and I'm still here you know doing it by myself!!!!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 09:33

Woman scorned or, more likely, woman who isn't quite as satisfied with her life as she's cracking on. :) I note that there is no new partner in your list of assets and that's often a sticking point. Why on earth did your 'mutual friend' post a photo of him with that caption? Facebook is OK in small doses but it really doesn't help anyone who is trying to move on from a break-up.

And neither does you doing lots of driving to facilitate contact with your XP. Sounds like it takes up an unreasonable amount of your time and the effort appears to be very one-sided. Suggest you drop this arrangement in favour of something much more equal. Your DD deserves some sort of relationship with her father but it is his responsibility to do more of the heavy lifting. You can't make a 'crap dad' into a 'good dad' by flogging yourself to death

poppyseedhead · 19/02/2015 09:33

lots of sympathy from me, things that happen in the past can cast a long shadow over your life, my best advise is hard to do, don't look online at anything to do with him. The effect is gradual but you eventually feel better. Of course you still see him for handovers, try to make them minimal and professional.

The reward in the future, will be a fuller relationship with your daughter.

have you met anyone?

Original poster
MikeTheShite · 19/02/2015 09:51

Sadly no I'm still here, still on my own I can't meet anyone!!

The court order is I drop her off 3 hours away and he brings her home. A 6.5 hour round trip for me

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 09:59

That's ridiculous. Who moved three hours from whom?

I was on my own for a long time after splitting from ExH. Like yours, it was a pretty good life but it was financially challenging and totally solo. He, on the other hand, quickly forged a lavish new life and family with his well-off new partner (the OW). Left me with the feeling that he was skipping into the sunlit uplands - and quite unfairly given his behaviour - while I was stuck in the starting blocks. Injustice sticks in the throat but you'll be pleased to hear that it doesn't carry on for ever.

poppyseedhead · 19/02/2015 10:00

Well it is probably best to stick to a court order, at least he brings her home. Will your mum and dad look after your lo so you can go on dates? It is better not to meet someone on the rebound anyway. The relationship you form in the future will be better for waiting. This is a time to nurture yourself, and when you come to a point of enjoying life, then you will be ready for a relationship. Think about yourself, what did you used to enjoy pre dc, swimming? beauty treatment? whatever it was, try to bring a bit of it into your life.

LadyBlaBlah · 19/02/2015 10:42

I don't quite get what the caption on the picture means?

But either way, I think there needs to be a fb cull for you. Block anyone who is a 'mutual' friend but actually really his friend.
I know people try not to take sides but the reality is, due to things like proximity and who was friends first (yuk I know) they do.

Is try and protect yourself from seeing anything to do with them. Of COURSE it's going to grate at the moment, your life changed completely because of his actions.

pocketsaviour · 19/02/2015 10:58

I don't understand the caption either, but I think your best bet is to unfriend this person. Or if you don't want to go that far, just go to their page and remove the check mark from "Following" - that way their updates won't appear in your newsfeed.

I think it's natural to still feel bitter and angry towards someone who treated you so badly. Don't give yourself a hard time over it, as you say you are normally positive and it sounds like your life is going well.

forumdonkey · 19/02/2015 12:05

'don't spoilt what you have by thinking of what you do not, you already have more than you already hoped for'

My take on this is things aren't that happy in paradise and if I was you I would be hoping that its a little bit of Karma knocking on their door. Anyone who has to post quotes 'how people/partners should be feeling' about themselves and their relationships are in trouble because if you are happy and secure and the feelings are mutual you wouldn't seek out quotes to remind your partner what they have and how they 'should' feel.

Having watched someone once again play something similar out via quotes on FB I have sat back and watched someone show how, desperate, needy and loony they look and can understand why they are now single. Very sad and maybe harsh but true.

Smallcogbigwheel · 19/02/2015 12:08

Honestly, I read the caption as meaning 'this is where you are now, be happy and quit whining' as in your ex is complaining to mutual friend and friend is having a passive aggressive dig at him.

Either way sod him and her.

The best revenge is to live well. . . and you're doing it!

itwillgetbettersoon · 19/02/2015 12:17

Block the friend or speak to them to see why they did it.

You sound great but I understand that you have worked really hard to get to this position. You need to now have some fun and put yourself first a little.

Re dating - when you are ready. However how about making new friends new hobbies etc. Meet up website is really good for this. There will be lots of local groups that meet for a drink, coffee, meals, walks etc. Give it a go.

paddlenorapaddle · 19/02/2015 12:19

its always a bit shit to read something like that I agree with Small it definitely looks like he's having a good moan.
However its worth remembering that FB is a highlight reel of peoples lives and not reality perhaps the honeymoon is over. He is an EX for a reason write it on a post it note (the reason) and stick it to the fridge as a reminder.
You have managed to get your act together alone and raise a lovely DD that takes some doing and courage. It just goes to show what you are capable of. Be proud of that.
If i were you i'd enjoy the view from the high ground and love has a funny way of showing up when you least expect it so don't worry if things look perfect for him because i'd bet my rich tea biscuit its a load of balls.

Original poster
MikeTheShite · 19/02/2015 14:40

Thank you everyone.
Maybe I'm still just so sensitive.

I've tried dating but can't get any further than a couple of dates and I don't know why.

I do feel so proud of my achievements but there is still something missing.

Thank you, that's great to know cognito

OP posts:
Paddlingduck · 19/02/2015 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MikeTheShite · 19/02/2015 17:45

That's very true actually, I don't have much time to date I guess!

I don't think id ever have him back but there's still that bit of hope there I guess Hmm

OP posts:
TalkingOwl · 19/02/2015 17:54

No advice - just a big hug. You sound like you've achieved a lot! The grass always looks greener on Facebook.

Original poster
MikeTheShite · 19/02/2015 18:56

It's sad really, 3 years along and although I have a really really lovely life that there's still a gap and a feeling like this

OP posts:
WishingOnSomeStars · 19/02/2015 20:56

My XP dumped me 3 years ago - think there may have been an OW,certainly is now. Anyway it was at a really difficult time in my life, following a bereavement and somehow all those feelings of loss and vulnerability that I felt about losing my dear relative got mixed up with my feelings about losing XP. Maybe something similar happened to you as you were pregnant at the time.

3 years on and XP still enters my head several times each day but I do my utmost not to dwell on these thoughts and I've sought to eradicate every trace of him from my life - gifts, contact details, anything vaguely related to him. I'm no longer on FB as I couldn't trust myself not to spy on his account- looking all loved up with my replacement . Realise this isn't so easy for you as you have DD but you get my drift?

I've established a good life for myself since he went, as you have. Be proud of yourself; gain joy from your DD. Accept you're still hurt/angry/feel rejected/whatever and that in the fullness of we'll no longer let the tossers them occupy our thoughts as they do today. Let's just give it time and not be too hard on ourselves.

WishingOnSomeStars · 19/02/2015 21:04

And of course you wouldn't have him back - he treated you appallingly so get that thought out of your head right now >

bettyboop1970 · 19/02/2015 21:05

"A man who marries his mistress merely creates a vacancy" hold onto this. You don't need a man to make you happy. Just look at all the crap relationships posters on this board have. Celebrate your independence!

Original poster
MikeTheShite · 19/02/2015 21:32

Your all right Smile thank you x

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 21/02/2015 11:49

I hate these sort of "mysterious" or "philosophical" posts. They're stupid and make the poster look like a tit. I have been exactly where you are OP and know the feeling of resentment that your ex has just abdicated their responsibility and made a new life leaving you with all the responsibility. However, you will be able to come through it. Delete anyone on FB who has any connections with him so you are less likely to see pics. Yes, it will be harder to meet someone with a very young child but one day she will be older and things will get easier. That's what I've found with DS (12), been only my own with him for 8 years now.

MadeMan · 21/02/2015 13:53

"I hate these sort of "mysterious" or "philosophical" posts."

Yes, they could only be made worse by being preceeded with, "Keep Calm and..."

MrsFring · 21/02/2015 14:49

OP, I had a close friend who had a sexual fling with my H ( he's been dealt with). Her FB is littered with said 'philosophical' musings; 'being the best that you can be', remaining true to yourself, treating others kindly no matter how they react you, blah, blah, blah. I've concluded that they do it to deflect any meaningful introspection; they probably wouldn't like what they found if they did.

MadeMan · 21/02/2015 14:57

"( he's been dealt with)"

That sounds ominous, I hope it didn't involve concrete footwear.

MrsFring · 21/02/2015 14:58

Nothing so humane.