Half Sibling and issues it has caused with my family

[firewalkeruk]

Hi Everyone,

I am a 50 yr old man who has come here seeking advice or maybe clarification on my actions?
A short while before xmas my mother told me that my estranged brother had discovered we had a half sister. Our parents split when we were young (I was 4) and my father left Northern Ireland for England when I was about 6. It has come to light that he remarried and I have a half sister, 14 yrs younger than I am, from that relationship.
My mother informed me of her name and told me she had a facebook page.
My brother had not yet contacted our (half-)sister however after a week of thought I took the jump and made contact.
Over the weeks we chatted on messenger and I have talked to her on the phone a few times. She is married and has 5 boys and is very happy with her life.
Now I come to the problems. While I was open with my wife, I shared Facebook, messenger and emails with her, she is very intimidated by my growing relationship with my sister and has even likened it to an affair. I kept the fact I had contacted my sister from my mother but decided to be open about what I had done as my brother, after a period of 3 months has contacted my sister although it was through his wife's' facebook account.
I have now told my mother what I have done and she is demanding that I break off contact with my sister.
I understand that my mother and my wife are speaking form a place of fear but my mother is a stern and demanding woman and my wife is timid and fearful of sharing my affections with anyone let alone a sister.
In addition to all this I have discovered my mother was aware of my sister and has hidden the fact since I was 14-15.
Should I do as my mother and wife ask and break contact with my sister or am I right to maintain the position that I have a right to continuing my relationship with her as I had been denied the chance to make my own decision in the past?
Thanks for your thoughts in advance.

I think you have a right to a relationship with your sister. It may be hard for your mother, but it isn't her choice.

As for your wife, I'm finding it hard to understand what her objections are exactly. Is it about the amount of time that you spend communicating with your sister? Has she explained why she thinks it is like an affair?

What an amazing, difficult and extraordinary time for you all.

The short answer is that I wouldn't break off contact with a sister for any of the reasons given.

Your mother I think has a right to say that she doesn't want to hear about your contact with your sister, but you are a grown adult and she doesn't have the right to stop you being in touch with her. I would try to listen to anything she has to say about it all but I wouldn't break anything off.

Your wife - well, she is clearly feeling upset, I would again aim to listen to what she has to say about what she is feeling and why, and to think about what actions could be taken about this. However, again she has a right to say how she is affected by it all, but not to dictate your behaviour IMO. I also think that it would be impossible to stop talking about your sister completely to your wife since this is such a huge development in your life.

Do you have other friends or family members you are close to and are any of them female? Would your wife be happier if this were a half-brother do you think?

Why did your mother tell you about the sister if she didn't want you to find them? Your wife's reaction is quite bizarre I'd you're open about the contact. If you are spending a disproportionate amount of your time on this person, neglecting your existing family, or being insensitive, then rethink your approach. If you dont think your behaviour is insensitive, the conclusion is that both mum and wife seem frightened that you can't love more than one woman (in the familial sense) at the same time.

Has your wife met your sister?

You mother has no right at all to demand that you cut contact with your half-sister.

She may not want to hear about it, fair enough. But your half-sister is family, whether your mother likes that or not. It's not even as if your father and she were together when this half sister was born. She may not like it but on this one, she has no right to demand it. Especially as she kept it a secret from you. That was hurtful. Don't listen to her.

Your wife is a bit harder. There is no possible threat to her from a half-sister so it's more a matter of managing her fears and insecurity. I would gently say that you are in contact with her and don't want to give it up, once, and then not mention it any more. I'd also be sure to quietly pay her extra attention for some months to reassure her that she comes first.

Btw I feel for you. I have two half brothers. Our mutual father wishes no contact with me and for now, I'll respect his wishes after weighing things up; it does happen to more or less suit me as well. But he has no right to demand that I am not in contact (in fact he hasn't demanded it, he's been very courteous about his rejection of contact and the fact he's been polite has helped me come to terms with it). I do reserve the right to change my mind though, especially after his death. Your strongest bond might be with your parent but the relationship with siblings exists independently of them.

Yanbu

meandjulio: I think you hit it on the head when you ask if my wife would be happier if it had been a half brother.
CogitoErgoSometimes: I did spend a lot of time chatting to my Sister at the initial contact but now it has leveled of at a couple of messages per week and maybe an email once a month. Once we got all the get to know you stuff out of the way it became about building a brother/sister relationship but that is had having little common ground to share.
Our father died 8 yrs ago from cancer and my sister has two male half siblings from our fathers second marriage but she has very little contact with them and her relationship with her mother is strained I feel that I just can't abandon her after it was me who made the initial contact.

Has your wife met your sister? I think that's got to be on the cards if she is very insecure. Don't abandon your mother because you love her, obviously, but make it clear that you are not going to say 'how high?' when she says 'jump'. She told you about your sister, you're in touch, you won't talk to her about the contact if it upsets her, but you are entitled to make your own decisions about your own life. She has to deal with it.

CogitoergoSometimes: No my wife has not met or talked to my sister. We live in Northern Ireland and my sister lives with her family in Brighton.
Recently my wife asked me to remove our facebook and messenger apps from her phone and ipad. I think this makes her more paranoid but she said that she found the contact between my sister and I 'hurtful'.
We talk about family, the weather and other mundane stuff but the last straw for my wife was seeing my estranged brothers wife putting likes on my sisters facebook profile.
My brother has no contact with me directly and we have never met our 2 nephews and niece even though my brother lives only 15 miles from us.
I somtimes think I am being selfish about maintaining contact with my sister and feel i am trying to fill the gap my brother has left and which our mother seems to encourage rather that want to try to heal. Then I think that it is only right to want to know the daughter my father had and wished he had tried harder to contact me when I was 18. I never opened the card he sent I just burned it. I regret that now.

Is there anything very personal or sensitive about the family stuff you talk about? Apologies for the next questions .... do you have 'form' for inappropriately messaging women on Facebook? Is the relationship with your DW very poor generally? I must admit I'm struggling to understand why any partner would be 'hurt' by their spouse talking to a long-lost sibling. Does she have no siblings of her own? Is she very loyal to your mother? Does she resent it if you're happy?

No offense taken. I am not perfect by any means I will freely admit that but my wife has been my one and only sexual partner and I only had one or two GF's before we met.
I have always considered myself lucky to have the only woman I ever wanted in my life. However she is a little older than me (7 yrs) and was married before. She has had several sexual relationships and even an affair about 6 yrs into our relationship which ended after 2 yrs. She left me only to return a few days later.
I do NOT talk to other women inappropriately nor do I trawl the web for sexual partners. I have on occasion used porn but she is aware of this and my use of it is very limited and occasional.
I think she fears losing me but while I am 20st and 50 years old I don't think that is ever going to happen. But if I was thin, which I have been, and handsome I would never leave her.
In all other areas apart from this issue with my sister we are very strong but then I often give into her wishes as it is often the path of least resistance.

Also my wife has 3 sisters and she has a good working relationship with all of them.

Hello,

Your mother really needs to step back. Sure you don't have to tell her about the sister or even mention her in your mother's presence but she has no right to tell you not to have contact.

The situation with your wife does sound very strange and I'm really struggling to understand why anyone would resent your contact with a long-lost family member.

Can I ask why you're estranged from your brother?

Sounds to me like your wife's insecure because of her own previous misdeeds and wrongly projecting onto you. Judging you maybe by her own poor actions from
The past maybe.
I wouldn't break of the sister relationship you have no reason to quite frankly.
And your mum can't demand anything from you, your an adult. She lied to you...if be asking about that Fair enough she doesn't want to hear about your dad, but you stopping your relationship with your sister will not benefit her whatsoever

Pocketsaviour: My brother has the strange idea that I caused our stepfather to have three stokes which led to his death. As I had met my wife and moved away from home due to my parents disapproval of my wife I did not talk to my mother or stepfather for 8 yrs and had no idea he was ill.
As I said my wife is 7 yrs older than I am and she had two sons who I have raised as my own as well has having our own son.
My mother was made aware of my fathers re-marraige and the birth of my sister when I was 14-15. She was informed of this by my aunt (my fathers sister) who contacted her at her work place. This has only come to light since I contacted my sister.
I feel for many years I have been maligned and made a scapegoat for many things for which I am not really to blame but due to the fact that I was a stepson, as was my brother but at four years younger than I he readily accepted our stepfather whereas I always considered my maternal grandfather to be my father figure.

I agree with the PP who are saying ignore your mother.

Re your wife, she sounds rather insecure and jealous of you having ANY relationships outside of her. Would it be possible for her to befriend and get to know your sister too?

Your wife's insecurity sounds severe. Tell me, do you socialise at home? Can you go out with friends without your wife, for example? Engage in a hobby? Travel for work? Do you have any female friends at all? What Im getting at js whether the reaction over your sister is totally out of character or is she generally very controlling of your movements and friendships?

OP you sound as if you have been bullied by a domineering mother, and that you have chosen a rather manipulative woman as a wife.

I would ignore them both. How would they react if you chose to go and visit your sister?

I have half siblings that I adore and they are very important to me. I would not dream of cutting them out like you are being pressurised to do.

I would limit contact with DM and tell her nothing about it, and tell DW that you intend to stay in contact with your sister and hope that she will have a relationship with her in time. Ask her how she would feel if the roles were reversed and she was being told she couldn't communicate with one of her sisters!

They both sound unutterably selfish.

cogito: My wife and I have no friends save for her sisters and their husbands. we socialise only with family. My hobby is writing which is solitary. It would be unthinkable to have female friends or to go out without her. She has many issues with paranoia, body dismorphia, depression and anxiety disorders which stem from the death of her mother when she was 16 and her previous husbands behaviour, he himself being a sociopath.
Hamptoncourt: My wife says she has no issue with me visiting my sister but I know were I to make the arrangements she would backtrack just before I leave and would accuse me of being disloyal.
I know the woman I have taken for a wife is 'broken' in many ways but she is loving and for more what 20 yrs now she has been nothing but loyal and faithful to me.
I stated before that I am not perfect by a long shot and would never run my wife down for her failings and insecurities. this is a cross I have born for a long time and will to my dying day.
All I can do is maintain contact with my sister and hope that both wife and mother learn to live with the fact I have family that I wish to remain in contact with even if I incur their displeasure.

I think you could also invite your sister to stay, perhaps with her husband? You socialise with your wife's sisters... perhaps you can move towards socialising jointly with your sister.

for more what 20 yrs now she has been nothing but loyal and faithful to me.
And yet last Thursday you said:
She has had several sexual relationships and even an affair about 6 yrs into our relationship which ended after 2 yrs. She left me only to return a few days later.

pocketsaviour I took that to mean the op has been married 28 years + but since the affair his wife has been faithful, though I may be wrong.

I'd like to thank everyone who has commented on this thread and apologise for having left it so long to get back to you all.
First of I have to say that after seeking advice here I had taken a time out as regards talking to my mum. She phoned the other day and I once more broached the subject with her to which she airily replied that it was all in the past and to forget about it. This is her way of sticking her head in the sand and I am quite content to let her leave it there.
I have continued contact with my sister and now it has settled down to a normal level of texting or facebooking a couple of time a week my wife seem to be more comfortable with everything. She asked to have our fb account removed from her phone and realises that she was too heavily involved and needed to let me have a little space.
As I live in Northern Ireland and my Sis is in Brighton we have arranged to visit each other as and when it is convenient. My wife knows this and has tacitly agreed to meet my Sister and her family. As she sees there is nothing to fear I hope that we can all fall into a more comfortable relationship.
I know this may not be as easy as I hope but all of you have given me the courage to stand my corner and to realise that I too am worth knowing and loving.
Again many thanks.

So pleased to hear it's got a bit easier, even if you aren't quite out of the woods. All sounds quite hopeful

best of luck, firewalkeruk