Feeling desperately sad, part time parenting

[Soapy81]

So I split up with abusive ex in June 2013, divorced last year. Have 3 dd's (8,6,3). We have an arrangement where we have them alternate weekends and then he also has them alternately one night then two nights each week.
I feel so sad at the moment, i miss them dreadfully when they are not here, although i am busy. When we first separated, it felt like a relief, having not had a real break for almost 7 years I had some me time.
Now, although I want them to have a good relationship with their dad, i wish they were with me more. I didn't have children to be a part time mum :(
I keep crying this evening, wish I could breathe them in and never let them go.
Just needed to get this out, I can't change this and its definitely for the best, just so hard.

I understand. It takes some getting used to and you are bound to be feeling sad.

Best I can suggest is using the time to do stuff you can't do as easily with kids around - eat a really hot curry, or go to the gym!

The first weekend the kids went to stay away, I felt like The Bad Man had taken them. I sobbed. Then got drunk.

The second weekend, I changed bed linen and spring cleaned, and felt like I was punishing myself.

The third weekend, I booked two tickets to see a play, and went to two cinema showings one after another. I stayed sober.

The fourth weekend, I reconnected with a long-distant pal for lunch and a movie. I drank two glasses of wine then switched to Coke.

It has been miserable, but with planning, I can block out the sadness and ache, and truly have found it rejuvenating to force myself to Do Stuff.

I do battle to stay off the wine though . If I plan to be with other people, the urge to just get bombed in front of the telly is suppressed. Somewhat.

PS:

I understand.

This is the hardest part for me.

I wish I had good advice. I don't. But I understand, and I do know it won't always feel this way.

:)

Thank you all for the flowers and understanding. I am usually busy and my life is happy, but the ache doesn't go, wish they were here every bedtime :(
I keep making plans, lots of things I cant do when they are with me, but, well you know, it's just always there.

I appreciate all your replies, it helps to know other people are the same. I don't know any other separated parents who feel like this, other people don't get a break, and really want the dad to have them more!

Tomorrow I have plans to take the girls out, so it will be a better day xx