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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Urgent advice needed

19 replies

jimmychoos · 23/04/2004 17:12

Hi all
A really horrid situation I need some advice on....My friend's husband walked out on her eight months ago when their second child was three weeks old. Since then it has come out gradually that he has been having an affair - with a mutual friend who is a single parent and has a child herself. He has now signalled his intention to move in with this woman (she lives in a different town at some distance from friend) and wants access to the children every other weekend. Friend distraught at the thought of this woman being involved with her children. It's all still too raw and painful.
He is currently living in the same town and takes kids every other weekend over night - friend would lose this support if she insists on him coming to her to see children (would probably take them out for day only). She is miles from family and has relied on him for a break from her little ones (I am miles away too). She really does have the best interests of her kids at heart and has been managing to remain on relatively good terms with husband so far. What would you do?

OP posts:

essbee · 23/04/2004 17:19

Message withdrawn

sykes · 23/04/2004 17:22

Sorry - am just leaving work. Just wanted to say how dreadful for her - particularly as mutual friend. My h (who now wants to come back) tried to involve his gf in my dds' lives which I managed to avoid for a very long time - and for hte right reasons. The problem is legally I'm pretty sure your friend's h can do it. I stopped my h through pressure - confusion for girls, so much to cope with. But she does need a break. Can someone talk to him? Your friend needs no more pressure/upset and surely he can see that all of htat would be bad for the girls too?

ponygirl · 23/04/2004 17:25

Poor love, she really does have my sympathy. What a dreadful position to be put in. I can really understand her not wanting to let this woman near her children atm. I think essbee's right, though, she's going to have to make a tough choice. Would she be OK with letting her ex stay at her house overnight with the children, letting her get away?

Twinkie · 23/04/2004 17:25

I don't think there is anything she can do legally to be honest - I think she has to take the view that if this woman is going to be a permanent fixture in his life then at some point she is going to meet them and do things with them/for them - hard I know!!

noddy5 · 23/04/2004 17:26

that is awful a friend of mine was in a v similar situation but the new girlfriend had kids but she wasn't a mutual friend-she was distraught but had to let her ds see him.Now a few years down the line he is no longer with girlfriend but my friend is in a lovely relationship so it turned out well in the end.But very hard at the beginning

Original poster

jimmychoos · 23/04/2004 17:27

The children are very young essbee. The baby has no relationship with him at all really - he was so small when they split and it hasn't been easy for the father to have much 1-1 time with him. The older child is 3 and has a good relationship with him.

I think the father assumes that he can move in with this woman and they can all play happy families every other weekend with his children. To me it all seems far too soon. The older child's world has been turned upside down with the arrival of a sibling and departure of his dad. But should my friend deny him access on these terms?

OP posts:

Original poster

jimmychoos · 23/04/2004 17:29

Sorry reposted before seeing some of these responses. twinkie - I think she realises she will have to deal with it at some point but more gradually than seems to be happening now.

OP posts:

Jimjams · 23/04/2004 17:30

awful- and I can understand both her feelings (need for a break and the wish that awful new woman would not be involved with kids). Does her ex have a mother/father that she would be happy for him to take the children to each weekend whilst getting used to the idea (and perhaps itroducing slowly) ex friend.

I don't suppose he would agree to that though.

Jimjams · 23/04/2004 17:33

jimmychoos- just occurred to me- my cousin walked out in his wife when she was pregnant with number 2 (nice I know) for a LONG time he had to see the children at one of those centres (cafcass is it now?). could that be an option? Awful to leave her 3 weeks after birth and I would not be happy about him having acces to the baby (or gf for that matter).

Original poster

jimmychoos · 23/04/2004 18:29

Jimjams - was that because of other factors within their relationship? i thought those centres were for instances where the father was not to be trusted alone with children ie violent/ abusive or where the mother did not want to be alone with ex. None of that applies here. he has been seeing both children regularly and unsupervised alternate weekends.

His family also miles away from where they live, so that wouldn't work I' afraid - altho a good idea.

OP posts:

Original poster

jimmychoos · 23/04/2004 18:29

His family also miles away from where they live, so that wouldn't work I' afraid - altho a good idea.

OP posts:

Jimjams · 23/04/2004 19:55

NO he wasn't violent or anything. It may have been becuase having walked out when she was pregnant he had no relationship with the baby.

However I think there are 2 types of centres- one for the violent partners where contact is supervised. Sure I read that somewhere the other day. ALthough if he has been having contact that may be tricky, Do the children know the girlfriend? If not I think the mother has a perfect right to demand that that introduction is taken slowly.

BeckiF · 23/04/2004 20:12

Hmmmmm, well, my opinion is that the kids shouldn't miss out on their dad just because the parents relationship has broken down. I can understand her hurt and feelings, but the kids have to come first.

Just my opinion and I wish her well xxx

gothicmama · 23/04/2004 20:14

Think I would be ultra protective and insist she did not have anything to do with them whilst arranging for him to see them , until I knew if theri relationship was serious

valleygirl · 24/04/2004 13:02

if this relationship with the other woman is a serious one then she should have no problem allowing the kids to have some time with their father without her around - i was the "other woman" a couple of years ago and when my dp's kids started coming to stay at our new home i was more than happy to allow the 3 of them the space to get re-aquainted with their dad in new surroundings before i became involved in weekend activities. if the relationship is a serious long term thing personally i think it is in everyone's interest that the kids get a feeling of normalcy as early on as possible, which like it or not, will involve their dad's new girlfriend.
and in the defence of us "other women" out there - we are not all total bitches you know. i'm really quite nice and the kids really love me so please don't all hate me!

tigermoth · 24/04/2004 13:39

Oh difficult. I would hate to think the person I most hated in the world (the other woman) would be hugging our kids every other weekend. Not a good thought after just 8 months of breaking up.

But if the relationship continues, this would have to be the norm, I assume, unless the father agrees to give up his legal rights. As valleygirl says, not all 'other women' who are awful.

What about asking her husband for more time? He has not yet moved in with this other woman and her child. Living with her, and in another town, is a big move. Let the move happen first, see how it goes. The husband might want out after a few months. The new living arrangement might be hell for him. If he moved again, the visiting children would have yet another upheaval. If the new set up looks permanent (say after a year) then phase in the weekend visiting. By that time, your friend may have come to terms more about the break up and it won't be so raw.

And if she loses her space for the time being, at least she knows it's not for good. TBH, I think the need for space is not as important at the need to feel ok about the weekend arrangement.

Original poster

jimmychoos · 25/04/2004 19:39

Thanks everyone for the advice. think friend is going to offer the house to Ex-h for the weekend when he wants to see kids - she'll vacate. Sound like the best approach IMO.

I think she knows that if the relationship continues it will have to be something she comes to terms with. But I'm afraid I would find it hard to forgive this other woman if I were her - she was a mutual friend and continued the relationship throughout friends pregancy - and she a single parent too - I don't know how she can live with herself TBH.

OP posts:

aloha · 25/04/2004 19:53

Jimmychoos, I can totally understand how much your friend recoils at the thought of letting this woman see her children. I would feel the same, I'm sure. BUT the children love him and if they can't see him they will suffer. My dh's ex left him for another man and my dh continued to live with their daughter in the family home. But he still let her have as much contact as she wanted with their dd. I think it was pretty heroic, actually, but I know their daughter has benefitted from it.And at the age of three and a few months, they won't understand the idea of the woman being a girlfriend. They will probably take it pretty much in their stride, which isn't so true later on. HOwever, it would be kinder to introduce the woman slowly and allow more time to pass before moving in - though that has to be his decision. I think contact centres are a bad idea - a very bleak, weird set up for kids who are used to a much more normal relationship with their father. I think maybe if she can bear to do it is to talk it all through with her ex and try to come up with some kind of slow-track solution. If the relationship is permanent, this woman will become a fixture in the children's lives, if not, then moving in then out will be disruptive. Maybe try to convince him to take it a little slower for all their sakes. She really does have my sympathy, but from the experience of seeing my stepdaughter, I think being generous will pay off in the end.

eddm · 25/04/2004 20:35

Is she at all concerned about this woman's ability to look after a 3yr old, a baby and her own kid, or is it more her own (completely reasonable) feelings of betrayal?
If she's got concerns (after all it's hard work looking after an 8 month old and a 3 yr old and if they aren't yours and you didn't volunteer for this you may not be as patient...?) then she needs to talk to her ex about them and set some ground rules.

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