Is anything really wrong here?

[komono]

I've N'cd for this so if anyone recognises any details please don't out me.

I've just sold my house and move next week but haven't exchanged on new property yet but its imminent. I'm buying house with DP of 4.5 years (known him for nearly 30). There is no mortgage, I will own two thirds, him one third. My will and joint tenants in common is all in place.

DP has been my greatest friend for as long as I can remember but we seem to have a recurring argument that always comes up at times of stress and I always feel that I just don't trust him when this occurs.

For example, leading up to the exchange of my property he was very uncommunicative and preoccupied, choosing to watch television and work at home rather than talk to me. He knew we were ready to exchange and dates had been discussed, between his bouts of working/TV.

Knowing that the property we are buying was not ready, I was not prepared to risk losing my buyer and just went ahead and agreed dates with them without discussing this with DP - then told him. Although this could potentially make us homeless from completion date, he had already found a rental just in case anyway. But, I didn't discuss the actual exchange in detail with him.

He knows I've been desperate to move out of this house for ages, and says he would have supported my decision and dates but he's disappointed and we rowed about it. We made up but I'm feeling a bit punished. The following night after the row he returned home and everything was calm but he did say he wasn't going to come home that night because he was potentially walking into another argument.

Now saying this is a man who says he will never leave me, his threat of not coming home makes me lose trust in this statement. I bought the subject up again this morning regarding his disappointment with me over the exchange and we rowed again which just left me feeling like a naughty child who's broken the rules.

I sent one conciliatory text message this morning which was met with the silent treatment then at some point in the day I felt that it was a possibility that I would arrive home and find all his stuff gone. His stuff isn't gone but I don't know if he will come back tonight. I did send him some further info regarding our house purchase which was passed to me this afternoon, which got a curt response regarding the moving date and whats been arranged which I already know (despite the fact the information may alter this).

So, was I being unreasonable not discussing the exchange which he would have agreed with anyway as he knows my feelings about my house or is he being difficult. I feel like he's the person who always says sorry;BUT.... and I'm feeling he is attempting to control via subtle threat.

Your mistake was not to force the conversation before you acted. If you'd stated to him in advance that you were going to take his silence as tacit approval and a cue to get on with the job, you'd be on firmer ground. As it is, I feel as though you've been manipulated into being in the wrong. although I'm not quite sure why.

I suggest you forget all ideas of conciliatory texts, apologies etc. Carry on entirely as normal

Thanks Cogito, I always like your no nonsense, to the point approach.

I also feel manipulated/controlled for some reason though he would swear blind that he would never tell me what to do

You are buying a house with this man. Are you sure you want to make such commitment?

Does he struggle with administrative matters? Of the two of you, are you more businesslike or more go-ahead? My train of thought is that his silence and preoccupation over the exchange details could have been a passive attention-seeking move from someone who felt.... I don't know.... out of their depth? sidelined?

You say this happens whenever there is a crisis

Will you be able to afford it without his contribution?

When I commented that I thought exchanging was the best possible thing to do, he stated that I was wrong and listed out all the other factors, possibly rental (which he had planned for anyway) and ultimately that although he would have supported any decision I made, he is disappointed with that.

FWIW I pointed out that this house was never my choice, it was my abusive late H who died 5 years ago, I inherited it along with the mortgage, its never been in my name, though I can sell it as executor of estate and just for once after having wanted to leave it for the last four years I wanted to just take a moment to make a fucking decision about it, just for once without deferring to someone else. I'm feeling really cross now.

I can buy a property outright on my own.

We both run our own businesses

I think you are perfectly right to make that decision by yourself.
You are partners, not married. It's not a joint property, but yours and yours only and you have a back up plan.
I am not liking his insistence that you should consult him, nor his reaction to it, that sounds like punishment.
AND, perhaps most of all, that you feel so unsure about him.
Your call, but if you do go ahead with the joint purchase, make sure you never surrender any of your finances to him.

I think I push more for what I want to achieve and take more risk, although calculated. He accused me this morning of causing wreaking havoc whilst he was right.

I've tied up my finances in preparation

And now he feels like he can dictate things? And act like he's ready to drop you because you are tied up and will do your best to chase after him?

I can understand why you'd want to get shot of a place with unhappy associations but I think, by ploughing ahead with the final part even after he'd expressed reservations, you've bypassed him. If you don't want anyone's involvement then it's a mistake to be a joint purchaser,

It sounds as though this was a lot more to do with wanting to make a decision by yourself, for yourself about a situation forced upon you a long time ago. Good for you.

Yes I did bypass him, he was uncommunicative, had already found a rental for us off his own back in the event of this situation occurring. At point of exchange I did insist on an extra week for completion in the end, more as an offering to him.

I couldn't explain why I just agreed with the buyer about dates without deferring to him, I just did it, It felt good for once to make just one big decision on my own about my property as moving forward all will be joint. Everything else has been mutually agreed regarding when/where and how we move into our own property.

he's home, will disappear for a while

If me and a partner were buying a house together I certainly wouldn't expect to be bypassed regarding the exchange of contracts or completion date.

I understand you were keen to make sure the buyers couldn't back out so exchanging contracts is a wise move in your part but the completion date is definitely something that you would need to talk to him about surely? After all from that date you will have nowhere to stay etc

I think he's feeling reluctant to discuss the other aspects with you further as he feels you cut him out of the completion/exchange of contracts.