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Original poster

Can you be friends with an ex?

26 replies

Brandnewattitude · 18/02/2015 14:54

I have ended three relationships in the last couple of years and after each one, the men have wanted to stay in touch, keep texting and meet up for coffee etc. I can't think of anything worse to be honest but feel I should go along with it out of politeness.

The first guy got very nasty when I declined and still contacts me saying, just meet me for lunch, what's the harm in that?

The second guy texts me saying if I ever need a friend, I know where he is etc. Can we just meet for coffee, he needs to know why he was 'dumped.'

I ended the latest relationship yesterday and the guy has texted today asking how are you/how's your day as if nothing has happened. I don't know how to respond. It hasn't ended on bad terms but I feel if I text back I might get lured back into a relationship which I no longer want. On the other hand it seems rude to ignore him.

I have a history of long term relationships ending really badly and I fear what could happen if I cut them off.

Before anyone suggests I need to take some time out from relationships, yes I know and I am going to do that.

So what do you do with your exes? Do you keep in touch, stay friendly or call it a day and never speak to them again?

OP posts:
Showy · 18/02/2015 15:00

I don't think there is a rule except the one that states if you say no to contact, it should be respected. I am friends with my only ex but we both decided to be.

HazleNutt · 18/02/2015 15:03

in principle, you can. In cases like yours, where one partner is not accepting that the relationship is over, no you can't.

Flangeshrub · 18/02/2015 15:07

I think the person who has been dumped wants to stay friends to cling on to the relationship and delay the grief, probably hoping for reconciliation. Otherwise there isn't much point staying friends, most people have enough friends without an ex-lover in the mix.

My DH dumped me unexpectedly 6 weeks ago after 11 years. I have pursued friendship but ultimately I know it's to hold onto him Sad

I've stopped now.

He's actually a horrible person and not someone I would want as a friend in a million years.

I would avoid if I was you.

Original poster
Brandnewattitude · 18/02/2015 15:13

Exactly, I agree. I think it's a matter of not accepting the end of the relationship. And I don't feel it would be a genuine friendship anyway.

OP posts:
ISolemnlySwearImUptoNoGood · 18/02/2015 15:23

Generally, I always went totally no contact because I always worried that it would fudge the boundaries. However, I did stay friends with one of exes for a very long time. It was a huge mistake! We hardly met up but always kept in regular contact. He was in a relationship and so was I. Mine broke down and he made a move on me. It was such a shock to learn that he still had feelings for me, we hadn't been together for 6 years. I tried to cut contact with him, but he always managed to make himself heard in my life. Texting out of the blue with begging messages. I ignored and it finally stopped. During the time I'd been trying to stay out of exes way, he'd met someone else, had a child and got married. I then met my DH. Ex proceeded to go out of his way to cause problems for me. His wife called me one day screaming that he'd never been able to let me go! She divorced him after a very short time. I told them both I didn't want anything to do with either of them. 6 months later, he contacted me again! Both DH and I told him to back off and he has ever since.

As others have said, to me it was innocent, but to him, he just never could accept it.

shovetheholly · 18/02/2015 15:30

If you don't want to, you don't have to.

But it's possible to be friends with an ex, yes.

SaucyJack · 18/02/2015 15:33

Brandnew if the Good Lord had wanted you to put up with harassment from your exes, then he would not have invented the block caller function on your phone.

It doesn't matter what anyone else does. You don't have to put up with it if you don't want it.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 18/02/2015 16:23

Ex 1: it would be restraining order territory if he approached me. His idea of 'staying friends' involved attempts at sexual assault and stalking while expecting me to intervene with the many people he'd pissed off.
Ex 2: wanted to be friends but by 'friends' he meant having some control in my life so it was like being his girlfriend without the fun bits. We're down to being civil when we have to be and no contact the rest of the time.
Ex 3: Technically friends, we have fun on the rare occasions we see each other and we get on with each other's current partners, but it's waned over the years as our lives have taken separate paths.

Partner's exes mostly have sporadic contact with him. No general animosity but again lives have taken different paths.

Ex3 is friends in some way with all but one serious ex and no contact with the other because of that person's behaviour. (hint: it wasn't me)

Being friends with exes is possible - got to say though that it works best if you have the option of avoiding each other and if you have separate groups of friends, second worst if you are in the same group and have to deal with everyone else's expectations and biases and absolute worst if one person is determined to be a dick - but by no means an obligation, and it doesn't sound like there is much basis for a friendship in your case.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/02/2015 16:27

I'm only in touch with one ex and he's a special case because we dated as teenagers and that's a long time ago. As for the rest, if I'd been able to be their friend, I wouldn't have dumped them in the first place. :) Never look back.

GoatsDoRoam · 18/02/2015 16:31

I can't think of anything worse to be honest but feel I should go along with it out of politeness.

Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong to you, don't override that feeling out of "politeness" : your instincts are there for a reason.

The examples you give sound like men who just didn't want to let go, and in that case cutting contact is the best thing to do, for all concerned.

RandomNPC · 18/02/2015 16:36

Unless a very long time has passed, or the split was completely amicable and decided on by both partners, I think it's very, very difficult.

littleleftie · 18/02/2015 17:20

You can only be truly friends with an ex when both of you would be genuinely delighted to hear that the other has met someone new that they are crazy about.

I have that kind of relationship with one of my exes but not the rest.

I also have an ex who continually contacts me saying we should just be friends. In his case, he doesn't actually want me back, he just wants me hanging around in the background boosting his ego, giving him emotional support.

Only you know what this ex actually wants from you but usually a minimal period of NC is advisable.

Only1scoop · 18/02/2015 17:22

I went to the wedding of one ex....indifferent to all the others certainly don't keep in touch. Detest one.

Petetheplumber · 18/02/2015 17:28

You owe a decent explanation (assuming you haven't given them one) so they can get closure. After that I think it's a bad idea to stay in touch....unless you're testing 'the one'

FastWindow · 18/02/2015 17:33

What random said. I think it's a good idea to go NC for a decent time in all cases, just to let matters and emotions fade. Then be friendly... But generally, not friends, no. And especially not if you're doing it out of politeness or fear of repercussions (the last easier said than done- I had to disappear once, to get the point across)

Original poster
Brandnewattitude · 18/02/2015 18:10

I think that's a good point. Be friendly (if you can or have to be) but not friends.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 18/02/2015 18:14

DH is great mates with his ex.

I couldn't manage it with mine, unfortunately.

Joysmum · 18/02/2015 18:34

My mum and dad and my step mum are best mates. If dad and step mum or my mum need anything at all, they (and me and my DH) are first port of call.

We all spend Christmas together with my step siblings and my step niece got the hump when she realised my mum wasn't her man like she is to my daughter!

Things worked out for the best. The divorce was as amicable as it could be (but still not easy after 23 years married) as they split due to not being in love despite liking each other.

MiniTheMinx · 18/02/2015 19:48

I'm friends with all my exs. I liked them enough to get involved with them, I cared enough to stick around for a bit and I still care. I wish them well. The only thing I would say is that I am not particularly close and don't share much with them, its all fairly superficial stuff, just checking in and having a giggle. I would never discuss DP, my children, or anything very personal. If I feared repercussions of not being friendly, I would not be friendly. They would clearly be the sort of person I wouldn't want in my life, end of.

PoundingTheStreets · 18/02/2015 19:55

Depends on the circumstances in which you separated. If it's mutually agreed and amicable, then yes of course. If one person has treated the other badly and simply wants to stay friends because it helps them convince themselves (and others) that they're not a bad person, it's less good.

Ouchbloodyouch · 18/02/2015 20:38

littleleftie this is what my ex is doing to me! I've let him so far but only because I was waiting for him to say he had made a Huuuuggge mistake. I realised a few days ago that he just uses me as an ego stroke so thats it from me!

Meerka · 18/02/2015 20:56

Friends with ex from first LTR. Don't see each other very often but when we do it's very warm and I still am very fond of him, though not remotely interested in a relationship. He was older than me and taught me a lot which I'm grateful for, including how to think for myself.

Not friends with ex from 2nd LTR, it just hurt too much. We parted on friendly but hurt terms and he came to stay once after (platonically). But it just hurt too much and we drifted.

Had a few short term relationships, only parted on bad terms with one of them. A couple were good friends for some time before we drifted apart. Two have become dearly beloved long term friends long after the fire burned out. Many years later, one is really part of our family, he spends every christmas here (no family of his own) and my husband and he are very good friends.

I notice a pattern. Part on reasonable good terms, meet for a coffee once or twice. Then a long period of very little contact, christmas card type stuff, before resuming as friends. That break seems to be essential to move things to a different footing.

Meerka · 18/02/2015 20:59

I suppose when I think about it, mostly I've been friends with someone before getting into a relationship with them. So it's often been possible to be friends after splitting up since the basic liking's been there all through. But a good long break after splitting up does seem essential.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 18/02/2015 21:02

Good friends with a teenage ex- we knew each others families v well and both similarly bereaved so remained close over the years- we see each other every few months although- dh probably meets up with him more than me now.

Get on fine with ex h. Have Ds in common but also hIs dp is one of my fave people in the world.

Meerka · 18/02/2015 21:05

sorry for triple post - brandnew your first guy needs warning off. Nasty would be a total no-go. Why would you want to stay in touch with someone who's been nasty?

Second guy, ~if you feel comfy with it~ it would be nice to give him an explanation if you think he can handle it. If your instincts are telling you he can't, then don't. But if he can, an explanation would be nice.

Third guy, maybe text back and ask if you can give each other a bit of time, but that you'll be in contact when you are ready for it. Since it finished only a short time ago, you need a bit of time.

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