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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Quick help please - how should I approach this? Need the truth.

21 replies

dinoswore · 17/02/2015 19:45

I will try to be succinct in the background.

I separated from DH 6 months ago. I won't go into the problems but it boiled down to his unreasonable behaviour (NOT infidelity, this was never an issue as far as I know). There was a lot of pain on both sides, we maintained our relationship on some levels, including sex, with a view to hopefully sorting out our problems and getting back together properly eventually. We have been together for over 20 years and have two small DC.

Over the last couple of months things got worse between us and about 3 weeks ago, DH asked me to make a decision - stay together or split up permanently. Because he hasn't sorted out the problems over which I left him, and I felt pushed into a decision, I decided to split.

Very painful for both of us ... so I thought. A few days later he told me he had joined an internet dating site. I was devastated. I was surprised by my reaction but there it was. He was upset that I was upset. It was all very difficult. A few days later he told me he didn't want me back and wasn't sure if he still loved me. He also said he wasn't going to do anything with his online dating account because it was too soon, he wasn't ready. A day after that we fell into bed together again.

All my old feelings came flooding back and I realised I needed to be absolutely sure that we were doing the right thing by splitting up, as we were throwing such a lot away. If he met someone that would be it - no going back. So I asked him if we could have a discussion about the possibility of getting back together. He dithered about this for a couple of weeks but on Sunday evening we talked in a bit more detail and on Monday (yesterday) he said he does still love me and he does want us to discuss getting back together.

And now to the point ... today I have discovered that he was active on his online dating account during the afternoon on Sunday. This was 2 weeks after we had started sleeping together again, and during the time he was supposed to be considering my request to discuss getting back together. And only 24 hours before he told me he does want to get back together.

I have no idea what to make of this or what he was doing on there but I would like to know. I mean to ask him tonight - but how should I approach it? Things are delicate between us, I don't want to seem like I'm accusing him of something. And technically he hasn't done anything wrong even if he was chatting to someone on there - but I would like to know because it would affect my decision. Worse case scenario, he was chatting to someone and they have turned him down, so he has come back to me?

How would you feel about this? How would you approach it with him?

OP posts:

MrsThor · 17/02/2015 20:02

Hes has done something wrong, infidelity does include being on a dating site when he is having sex with you

Have you managed to sort any of the issues that drove you to split in the first place...if not then what is the point?

woowoo22 · 17/02/2015 20:19

I kind of think the OLD is a red herring. Only because it isn't real IYSWIM until you actually meet someone from it. Almost a waste of time until you actually have a date in RL, messages mean bugger all. And you were separated when he signed up to it?

I think the bigger issue is what was wrong with your marriage and has that been fixed/can that be fixed?

BolshierAyraStark · 17/02/2015 20:28

I think the important issue is to dealing with whatever reason/s you split in the 1st place, you say he made no attempt to address this so seems you may have been correct to go your separate ways & you've panicked at the thought of him being with someone else.

Original poster

dinoswore · 17/02/2015 20:31

Two opposing views there!

Although you are both right, that the issues haven't been fixed. The trouble is, I still love him and I want our little family to work. Those issues need to be discussed before we decide whether to try again.

OP posts:

Original poster

dinoswore · 17/02/2015 20:33

Bolshier, you may be right about me panicking. I don't know. I do know that I'm not happy as a single parent. But then again, I wasn't happy in my marriage a lot of the time.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 17/02/2015 20:38

Just because he was active it doesn't mean he did anything. If someone looks at your profile you get an email saying so. If you click on the link it takes you to the site.

Tbh I think that is the least of your worries.

Why not share what the big stumbling blocks are to getting back together? You will get great advice on here

MajesticWhine · 17/02/2015 20:47

I think the dating site is irrelevant. The problems that caused you to split and how they can be addressed is the issue to worry about. You were "on a break". You confirmed the split as permanent. Then you began to sleep together and you reconsidered. In the meantime he is idly looking at the dating site. Perhaps feeling lonely and confused. If infidelity was part of the backstory then I could maybe understand this being a problem for you. But don't let it cloud the issue.

Milllli · 17/02/2015 21:03

You sound like you are still in love with him. Is he with you? If he is then what did he not fix that you wanted him to?

Auburnsparkle · 17/02/2015 21:09

I think the dating site is relevant. Why is he on it if he wants to be in a relationship with you? But I do agree there is far more to resolve here. What changes are going to be made if you are together again? Can you trust him?

aglassofmandms · 17/02/2015 21:11

The POF app, if you don't sign out of it, signs you automatically when you start using your phone, regardless of if you actually open the app, so I would ask him about it

pocketsaviour · 17/02/2015 21:16

A day after that we fell into bed together again. All my old feelings came flooding back...

Yeah, that'll be the oxytocin. I used to do exactly the same with my ex. We were great in bed. If we could have spent our lives in bed having sex, we would have worked great. Out of bed we were crap together. But every time we had sex I forgot that I was pissed off with him and that it wasn't working.

I think this dating profile thing is a red herring for you. It almost sounds like you want there to be a reason why you won't take him back? But you said he hasn't worked on making the changes you needed; that in itself is reason enough.

Original poster

dinoswore · 17/02/2015 21:36

I used to do exactly the same with my ex. We were great in bed. If we could have spent our lives in bed having sex, we would have worked great. Out of bed we were crap together. But every time we had sex I forgot that I was pissed off with him and that it wasn't working.

I fear this may be us

But I really do want this to work, for the sake of all of us.

The problems are his drinking and lack of financial responsibility. He is trying to address the drinking but it isn't enough.

OP posts:

woowoo22 · 17/02/2015 21:51

Drinking as in he's an alcoholic?

Original poster

dinoswore · 17/02/2015 22:50

You might call him an alcoholic. Depends on your definition of alcoholic. He drinks too much, too often, takes a gargantuan effort not to drink often, and can be a nasty drunk.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 17/02/2015 22:56

May I ask, what's the story with the lack of financial responsibility?

Sounds bloody exhausting tbh.

Twinklestein · 17/02/2015 22:56

Sounds like you're looking for a reason not to take him back - drink problem and financial irresponsibility are legitimate reasons to give up...

Original poster

dinoswore · 17/02/2015 23:14

The story with the financial stuff is that he won't get a permanent job. He prefers temping because it gives him freedom from the responsibilities and accountability of a permanent position and because it allows him to pursue occasional opportunities in a performance industry. But the temp work isn't always available so he is quite often not earning at all. Add to this our enormous debts (mostly accumulated through trying to survive the lean times when he had no work) which he is studiously ignoring or paying token payments, in the genuine hope that our creditors will eventually write the debt off. Add to these issues his preference for cars with high running costs, the latest iPhones (and the expensive contracts that go with them) and his drinking and smoking habits.

OP posts:

jasper · 17/02/2015 23:24

he sounds like an arse. and I always try to see the other side

LineRunner · 17/02/2015 23:26

Oh OP, I think you need a break from this. It's too much. Too much weight.

Quitelikely · 17/02/2015 23:30

Oh dear. Don't do it. He is not acting like a husband or father and is unlikely to start now.

Love as they say does not pay the rent.

Respect and resentment are huge factors here.

Cut your losses.

Glastokitty · 17/02/2015 23:49

He sounds like an arse. Tell him to grow up and get a job before you can even consider taking him back. We'd all love freedom from our responsibilities, but an adult knows the bills need to be paid. I agree the online dating is a red herring, but as things stand you would be mad to take him back.

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