Learning to be supportive

[Nightmonkeynow]

New to mumsnet so please be gentle! Following on from the gorgeous thread about mums and knowing you are loved. I have a lovely DH and 2 toddler DSs, and I really want to support all 3 of them so they know I am always on their side. The problem is that I just don't know what that support looks like in practice. I grew up feeling totally unloved and unsupported both at home and at school and never really had anyone on my side until I met DH, so I don't feel I have a clue how to be on someone's side without ending up nagging and criticising (as my parents did). DH's having a tough time at the mo at work and I try to listen when he wants to talk and to arrange for him to have time to himself, but what more could I be doing? He tends to bottle things up then they eventually come out as a rage over nothing. How can I be more supportive to make things easier for him? And how can I be supportive when I don't agree with how he's handling things? For example I think he could manage his stress by exercising but I find myself policing it and nagging - which isn't very supportive at all. Not sure I've explained this very well but I'd like to know in what practical ways you show someone you're on their side and support them.

I feel for you OP as I have been in the same situation.

When it comes to your DCs, I think one of the most important things is to allow them to feel their feelings. My parents were always telling me "stop crying", "don't be sad", "don't be upset", "don't be angry", "stop being so silly". It was really draining and I still have a hard time now in my 40s expressing negative emotions, which means I tend to bottle things up. I also have a tendency to try to solve my DSs problems for him by telling him what to do, and then nagging him when he doesn't (which sounds like what's happening with you and your DH.) I have now tried to consciously step back and just listen to his words and feelings and ask him what he wants to do.

With your DH, I think you should ask him what you can do to help, and let him know that whatever it is, if it's in your power then you'll do it.

If you have been brought up being nagged then it's hard to break that pattern, but your DH is an adult and can decide for himself how to handle things. Even if he does it "wrong", that's his decision to make.

You sound like a lovely person and I know you will be a much better with and mother than the example your parents gave you.

Pocketsaviour thank you so much for your very helpful message and kind words. What you say makes a lot of sense. I feel I know where to start now....

Also, OP, give support to yourself. Find ways to give yourself love, space and nurturing - so you are filled rather than depleted. You are not simply there to support others.

There's nothing like a big hug and looking into someone's eyes and telling them how much you love them to make them feel special.

The best way to support is to listen, show you've listened by making reference to some of it and then asking open questions to get them to talk more. Often the best way is asking questions for them to work out their feelings rather then listening and offering an opinion...unless it's asked for.

You sound like a lovely sensitive person btw

Gatewalker thank you and I think you make a good point. I think my mum fell down on this and it meant as she was unhappy she made everything about her and couldn't see past her own anxieties to offer support.
Joysmum very practical advice - thanks.
DH has just got home. No time like the present for giving all this a go...