How to communicate with DH

[redleader]

So where to start… Married to DH for 4 years, one DS 3.5.

Happily married in that we don’t argue and generally muddle along, and here in lies the problem.

DH does a lot of things which seriously piss me off, nothing major, little things which have built up in my mind so that I don’t tend to say anything incase I explode. We have never been great communicators about what's bothering us, I guess I’m scared of rocking the boat.

I need to get a lot of things off my chest (household chores childcare etc) and they’re mostly mundane but added together they really make me feel like I want to leave him. It impacts on the way I feel about him and I don’t want to have sex or any physical contact.

I know what needs to be said but it’s how to say it without it coming like a bolt out of the blue and coming as constant attacks on him. It is but I want to kind of soften the blow.

So I guess what I’m asking is how should I start the conversation, any scripts would be most appreciated!

Why don't you talk to him calmly about what's concerning you. You need to try before you throw in the towel. A decent marriage consists of airing, discussing things. Don't you want to give your marriage a chance?

What do you want out of this?

For him to pull his weight at home, or for you to split? Do you want to leave or do you want him to leave?

Always begin with the end in mind.

It sounds like both of you are in the habit of not talking about things and that just lets the resentment build up until it becomes unbearable.

What I would suggest is to sit down with him (if possible when DS is not around) and approach the problem not as a fight that you want to win, but present it as a problem that the two of you need to solve together.

EG
"I feel unappreciated and taken for granted when you don't offer to help put DS down to bed at night. What can we do to make this feel fairer?"

This article has some really good tips about turning arguments into productive discussions.

Ah-ha. Experience of being on the end of this. It's classic script. Most men muddle along, and don't notice the decline in the woman's happiness, and miss some of the signals, until they are totally shocked as she is walking out the door. He will ultimately appreciate early clear feedback, not hints. I would write down how you feel, and spend a week or so reflecting to simplify/edit, just to get the messages right in your own head first, rather than drip-drip.

If it were me choosing how my wife would approach it I would say; mention you're unhappy and want to make things better, and that you would like to have a number of good long chats - crucially he will be analysing the body language/words to see if you are looking to improve the relationship, or start the process of staged separation. Once he gets past that 'fear' my guess is he will be shocked at how you feel (unless he's an idiot). I would also say don't force the conversation...as in rushing for answers....just state simply how you feel about something....the best replies are when someone has slept on a conversation. Be open and prepared to take his views back...Try and steer away from blame, keeping scores, etc etc

It was a massive positive for me, and led to more honest ongoing talks..

I would suggest you set up a 'family meeting'. Pick a time in the week when you're both relaxed and talkative - so not Friday night for example - turn off the TV and other distractions, share a meal together and then talk about the week just gone and the week ahead. This is everyone's opportunity to discuss upcoming events, chores that need doing, budgets perhaps, ideas for new décor, holiday plans .... anything and everything is on the table in your weekly catch-up.

Try not to think of it as getting things off your chest or some kind of score-settling. Treat it as a team meeting, setting expectations, keeping everyone informed, assigning roles, and securing buy in.

I usually start with 'I love you so much and things are great but there's some things I'd like to change that I'm not happy with'