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Relationships

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Original poster

Feelings for dh different after baby

19 replies

LaceyLee · 17/02/2015 05:38

Is it normal for your feelings for dh to change after having a baby? Baby is 2 months old but since she was born I have felt like she's so much more important to me than dh. It's like he can't do anything right and I'm jumping on him for small mistakes. I don't know if I love him anymore if I'm honest. We were always very happy, affectionate and had a good sex life before baby but now not had sex since she arrived and don't want to. Don't even particularly want to
get cuddles. I have thought about leaving but I know I will struggle as a single patent and he's a good dad and loves our baby. Is this maybe hormones and does anyone have experience of feeling like this?

OP posts:

Wonkyparsnip · 17/02/2015 06:06

You've just had a baby and you're all over the place. Just wait to see how you readjust. It takes a while for you both to sort out your roles as parents. We didn't have sex till 12 months after the birth and very few of my friends did before 6 months. For the moment just focus on your baby and don't worry to much.

Onsera3 · 17/02/2015 06:19

Yep hated my DH for about a year. Okay not seriously but he annoyed the hell out of me. It gradually gets better.

I had felt envious of a friend whose DH was able to have months off after the birth. Not so much when I saw that they were grating on each other so much they couldn't conceal it.

Original poster

LaceyLee · 17/02/2015 06:50

That does make me feel better thanks. Sleep deprivation and hormones are probably it. I do feel like I hate him quite often... Seems this may be normal!

OP posts:

Eekaman · 17/02/2015 07:39

You've had nine months of your body changing beyond all logical measure and the whole massive hormone thing... then of, course, the caveperson in us is telling you how critical it is to look after the offspring to protect the future of the species.

It is only natural to feel like you do. It's revert back to normality, you'll be fine I'm sure. Best wishes.

Joysmum · 17/02/2015 07:39

Doesn't make it ok though.

Speak to your doctor if you need to and be mindful of your own behaviour.

eurochick · 17/02/2015 07:42

I can't relate to some of what you write but I do to the sex drive part. My libido is on the floor as a result of hormones and tiredness, and feeling like a fat scarred unsexy lump with leaky boobs and crap underwear. I'm hoping it will improve once I stop bfing/expressing in a few weeks.

Nolim · 17/02/2015 07:50

The first few months as a parent are very hard. Allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings and dont take any radical decisions.

SensationalGirl · 17/02/2015 09:29

I used to fantasize about leaving my DH during our DD2s first 6 weeks. I was really not coping.

Be kind to yourself, this is a really hard time in your life. Be kind to him too, some men are completely clueless and don't know how to help, making your life harder.

BathtimeFunkster · 17/02/2015 09:31

What Joysmum said.

Hoppinggreen · 17/02/2015 09:34

People used to talk about how amazing me and DH relationship was but I really didn't like him much for about 6 months after I had my daughter.
Also, 2 months post birth isn't that long without sex.
Don't worry about it, it will get better

Petetheplumber · 17/02/2015 11:28

We didn't have sex for over a year after our baby was born, so don't read too much into that. I guess the feeling the DH is always doing things wrong seems common and I guess hormonal - to some degree we (men) expect it SOME of the time. It's also natural for the baby to be your new no1 priority, if he's any cop he'll understand/want that. But thinking about leaving him? whoa hold on....

Don't make the mistake of thinking your other half is the enemy....

Original poster

LaceyLee · 17/02/2015 12:40

Hope it does get better as pp have said. Also good to know that not everyone has sex again for a while. I feel just how eurochick said! Takes pressure off, though he may want to soon. Not making rash decisions and monitoring own behaviour is a good point also. Interesting point about viewing him as the enemy. Maybe that's what I have been doing, suppose cos the relationship changes so much when you are suddenly parents and not just a young, fun couple.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 17/02/2015 12:46

What can happen is that you can fall so completely for your baby that anyone else is an irrelevance.

I remember when my first baby was born and was a few weeks old I was sitting on the sofa, baby asleep, and watching my (then) husband reading the newspaper. I was thinking, "Oh yes, you just read that like you're fucking innocent of everything. You just enjoy yourself." It was funny really as he was reading the paper for about half an hour and every minute he did I was thinking really horrible thoughts about him.

However, I had PND and didn't realise it at first. It was only when I dropped a knife on the floor when I was making a sandwich and thought, "What the hell else is going to happen to me today?" that I realised I wasn't quite right and got some help off the doctor.

xxx28xxx · 17/02/2015 12:53

I feel very similar op except my dd is 9 months old. I thought I would start to feel better and I am but nothing is the same. I still don't know if this is normal or partly pnd. All I know is being a parent is hard and very very tiring and I think sleep deprivation combined with hormones make everything seem so much worse.

I hope you start to feel better soon, there is a lot of pressure to "get back to normal" after having a baby but it takes time. Many people say approx a year until they feel like themselves

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 17/02/2015 13:58

She is more important than DH - at the moment - because she is tiny and wee and dependent on you for everything. It's perfectly normal to want to focus on the baby to the exclusion of everything else - though as pp's have said, it's maybe not the best thing ever for your relationship.

I didn't have sex for about 9 months and was very 'off it' for about 2 years btw - but I think again that is perfectly normal and a side effect of being 'touched out' - always having a baby on you or near you.

Don't make any hasty decisions. Ride it out. Try and make a bit of time for you two to connect, even if it's just pushing the baby round the park in her pram. Family cuddles are also good for keeping that physical connection going!

It's still early days, be kind to yourself (and him, actually!)

MrsTedCrilly · 17/02/2015 14:56

Please don't do anything rash, this is completely normal! You now have a baby who wants all your attention and contact and love.. It feels like there's nothing left for anyone else, and the idea of sex can sometimes be abhorrent when you have such an innocent being around! BUT this feeling should gradually wane.. I felt the same as you for the first few months and me and my partner were so close beforehand. We are now closer than ever Stick with it..

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 17/02/2015 19:28

Hi OP. Right now, DH (and all the other DHs with newborns) are there purely for support. Nothing else. Sex is optional, and if you don't want it, it doesn't happen.

However: try to keep the spite under control. The odd shriek to let off steam is OK, but constant hate gets a bit wearing. I found it so. Lasted about a month around the 4 month point IIRC. Someone with a thinner skin might have got upset.

33goingon64 · 17/02/2015 20:12

Completely normal as far as I'm aware.

Luciferbox · 17/02/2015 20:15

I've gone through this. I felt like everything changed and DH just annoyed me and seemed to have his priorities wrong. I probably disliked him for at least 12 months. We worked through it, DS is 3 and DH and I are now very happy and expecting another DC. Our relationship is different but still strong and loving.

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