My Grandad

[wannabeanon]

I have always had a pretty close relationship with my grandad, he always used to hold great christmas parties for the whole family and he would get dressed up as all sorts of mad characters, as would the other adults and I always remember him being there for me, weekend visits when things at home got bad as a teen and he would always lift my spirits, boost my confidence telling me how pretty I was and saying that I should've been a model etc.

One time I had had a row with my step dad and my grandad had come to pick me up for a weekend visit, in the car I cried over the issues from home and amongst other things my grandad asked if we should go into the woods together to get 'closer' and make me feel better...he saw the look of horror on my face and made out he was just trying to get me to stick up for myself, I believed him and forgot about it. At another visit when there was just me and him he asked me for a kiss, not unusual for a little girl to kiss her grandad but this time he tried to take it further and made it into a 'grown up kiss'.

These were the only 2 things that ever happened, I never held it against him although I did feel uncomfortable around him afterwards. Then as I grew up, for years I didn't see him at all, it's only in the past 2 years that I have made the effort to go and visit him every few weeks.

This was going fine until he started coming out with 'wrong' comments, he became obsessed with my boyfriend and kept insisting that I dumped him (to be fair boyfriend was no good but that's a different story!) and then one time he turned around and said "all I can think of is that he must be good in bed"...I was shocked at this but again, let it go. Then he started saying stuff like "look at those nails of yours, I bet he's got scratch marks right down his back..." and "with your sense of humour I can imagine you making love and then bursting out laughing". These comments are becoming quite common now alongside comments like "I would have loved a lass like you" and "I would've looked after you, given you anything you wanted...".

I'm getting to the point where I don't want to go down anymore, I love him but I'm not prepared to be spoken to like this anymore by anyone. I was sexually abused by a different male relative (although not blood relative) as a child and a few months ago my cousin started making 'wrong' comments towards me, after I refused to start up anything like that he decided to ignore me and not speak to me anymore instead.

I recently found out from my mother that my grandad (her father) "tried it on" with her when she was a teenager and also my aunt.

I don't know how to feel anymore, I love my grandad but I know that if I wasnt blinded by this 'love' I would think very differntly of him.

Very confused at the minute

I'm not sure what to say to you...I haven't had any experience of this. I just wanted to say I think maybe you need to talk to him about how his comments make you feel or cut ties with him. It is wholly unappropriate for your Grandad to make sexual comments to you and it is obvious that you know that. Hope it works out for you and I'm sorry I havent been much help!!!

No matter what the circumstances of the sexual abuse of a child, it is never the fault or responsibility of that child. Even if you are aware that there was some degree of collusion or you feel in hindsight that you wish you had been able to act differently, this does not lessen the absolute truth that is the duty of adults to care for children and protect them from exploitation. Some survivors find it helpful to observe children who are the same age that they were when the abuse took place in order to underline for them how great the power difference between adults and children really is and how easy it is for an older person to manipulate the trust, innocence and vulnerability of a child.

The fact that something bad has been done to you is not a reason to deny yourself pleasure, or to punish yourself. It is in fact a reason to care for yourself. If you can learn to treat your body with respect and kindness, you will help the healing process. Therefore look for simple ways to show care for yourself and kindness to your body.

Find appropriate outlets for your feelings, I would suggest sexual abuse counselling particularly if you have never talked through your feelings before now.

If you have been abused you have a perfectly good reason to be very angry and full of grief. It can be hard to know what to do with these feelings. It may not be possible or helpful to express them to the person responsible. Even if you do, he or she may well fail to accept responsibility. Feelings can be helped by finding others who will listen to your story sympathetically and help you express yourself. Writing down what you feel can help - many survivors find it helpful to write down their feelings in the form of a letter - you don't have to send it. Many activities can help relieve pent up feelings of anger - exercise, sport, or simply going somewhere private or noisy and shouting. Grief can be relieved by allowing time to reflect and by expressing the sadness. You may fear that once you allow these feelings to emerge they may take you over. This is a natural fear; however in fact the opposite tends to be the case - once a feeling is allowed adequate expression it becomes more easy to control.

This person, your Grandad, abused your trust massively as well as those of your Mother and aunt. I think your Grandad groomed your good self - to the outside world he is a "fine gentleman" but two other women as well as your good self know differently.

Does your Mum or aunt have any sort of relationship with this man or do they go out of their way to avoid him?.

Wannabeanon. I really feel for you.

I've been in a similar situation with a family member and as soon as I was old enough to make the choice I refused to have any contact with him. I just couldn't cope with feeling so bad every time I saw him.

If you can pluck up the courage could you try telling him off when he says something inappropriate. Let him know that this is not acceptable and you won't put up with it? TBH I never could, which is why in the end I just refused to see him again.

I totally understand being blinded by his love as you put it, but remember you don't have to be made to feel uncomfortable like this, you have the power to take control, either by telling him straight or by not seeing him.

Hope this helps, I had to change my name - I don't know who reads this!

You may also want to look at this website as it may prove helpful to you (its the National Association for people abused in childhood):-

www.napac.org.uk