Please talk to me about contact...

[TheDetective]

Hi,

I'm interested to know if you have very young child/ren, how contact went with your ex partner.

I'm 9 weeks down the line of separation, and it is not going well at all. I am looking for suggestions if contact was to resume - how. (It's been 3 weeks since last contact).

I have a 2 yr 2 month old, and am 22 weeks pregnant.

What would be reasonable?

He was DS's primary carer. But he chose to leave the family home and live with his mum. He works part time.

He had the opportunity to still be DS's primary carer, but decided he didn't want to/couldn't do it. I don't know which.

I do not want to see him. Or have contact with him. I initially thought I could co-parent with him. But he is emotionally tormenting me, I'm pregnant, hormonal and very vulnerable, and he is using that to his advantage. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

So if anyone has any stories how contact was sorted out for similar aged children, I'd be happy to hear it.

Particularly how you managed with a breastfed newborn .

What agreements have you made about contact? What do you mean about having his cake and emotional torment? Sorry about the questions but it's difficult to establish the type of person you are dealing with from your OP.

'Reasonable' depends on the circumstances. What is 'emotional torment', for example? Is the torment yours because you're not coping with the break-up and it's too painful to see him? Or are you saying he's being abusive in some way?

Ultimately, provided there is no actual danger to the children, the goal should be that they have as good a relationship as possible with both parents and as much contact as possible. You have to put aside personal feelings best you can and - possibly via mediation - work out something between you that works in a practical way, takes into account working hours, distances, age of children etc. A breastfed baby wouldn't be expected to spend nights away far from Mum. Contact might only be an hour or two being walked around in the pram at first.

Yes - absolutely agree that mediation would be sensible under these circumstances.

I would also look at getting some I itial legal advice too. It's not so much about you and your ex's rights (although obviously you have s right not to be harassed) but the responsibilities that you both have towards your DC. Obviously one of them is to facilitate a relationship with him if possible.

Can I ask why it has been so long since the last contact?

Also, at the moment whilst things are still fraught, do youhste anyone who could facilitate the contact at the moment?

Okay, agreements have been as follows:

Initially was to continue to provide care in family home while I am in work (as he was the main carer prior to this).

Broke down very quickly (have successfully done this arrangement with my older DS's dad for a year when we separated). He wanted a second chance to do this again. Again it broke down quickly (he walked out of contact twice just prior to me leaving for work - to control me and stop me working).

So DS went in to FT childcare, and he disappeared for 2 weeks with no contact. He then wants contact (but doesn't state he wants to provide the care when I'm not there - but wants 'as much as I'll let him').

I agree to slowly building up the contact after his total disappearing act, but must be at times I am not working. DS to remain in childcare. He manages 13 days before disappearing again for a full 2 weeks (one of the last things he said to me before leaving was 'sometimes I think you say things to goad me in to hitting you'). The last week he has been in contact with me, but contact has not resumed because of my concerns about how he runs away from his child, and how we need to have a lot of discussion about arrangements and how things move forward before contact resumes (in the meanwhile I have done skype with DS, and taken lots of videos and pictures to give to him).

So it's been 3 weeks since last face to face contact.

When I posted last night I had proposed a minimal schedule to him, which he hadn't bothered to reply to - hence my post.

He has now said 'ok'. So he is to see DS on a week one/week two basis. W1 Sunday 9.30-12MD at an activity (soft play/swimming etc) as he is NOT entering this house. W2 Monday 6pm-8pm for tea and to get him ready for bed, bring him home ready for sleep.

It's crap, I know. But there is a lot more backstory here. He simply isn't interested, and is 'playing the game' pretending he wants to see his child. I've quickly realised this. If he wanted more than this, he wouldn't agree to it, or would ask if this would increase - something, anything? Surely.

Regarding emotional torment, well, he wants to get affection and sex from me, makes murmurs to moving back in, continue with the relationship perhaps. Then he runs away and says he can't handle what he has done. This is damaging to DS, as this is why contact stops - he runs away and hides, goes no contact. He then starts up the texts, basically wanting sex and affection, telling me he loves me, he's sorry, I'm beautiful blah blah fucking blah.

I'm pregnant, and have a 2 year old, and an older child. I've been working FT (until last week when I was signed off work). My hormones are going crazy, despite everything I wanted him to realise what he has done - and make it right. I didn't chose to be a single pregnant mother of 3. He chose all this, and then continues to mess with my emotions by wanting to come here, play happy families, get sex and love, then he gets to fuck off back round the corner for full nights sleep, going out whenever he wishes, not being tied to a relationship or family.

Yeah. That to me is emotional torment. Pregnancy makes a woman so vulnerable to these games. I want him out my life, I am a better person when he is gone. A better parent, happier, content. Then he turns up again and I crumble to pieces. He won't let me go. But doesn't really want me.

So there we have it - I'm doing my bit to make DS available for contact. He wants more, he can ask. But I'm not co-parenting with him. I am not texting him updates in between contact. I want nothing more to do with him.

I have no idea how this is going to work with the new baby, as the baby is not going away from me, and he is not coming in this house, or me anywhere near him as things stand.

He suggested moving back in here when the baby comes. Because moving back in here when I'm at my most hormonal and vulnerable with a new baby is the perfect idea. I did consider this, but then came up with a massive list of why this is an absolutely appalling idea. And insulting too quite frankly - to his other DS who will see daddy leave, then come home for a new baby, before leaving again (when? He said when the baby sleeps through - uh, well DS doesn't consistently sleep through yet...!!) what kind of message does that send to him? Sorry, but your brother is more important?

Financial matters are sorted for now. I can't divorce him until November. So for now, it's just the above issue.

I don't think mediation is an option - he will get legal aid, and I won't. I'm fed up of paying for him to sit on his arse, he wouldn't go to counselling (which I offered to pay for) so I'm sure as can be he won't bother with mediation. He'd rather run away from anything that involves talking.

Save the counselling money and get some counselling for yourself and pay for mediation.

I don't think that you can resolve this yourself. You say (and I agree) we need to have a lot of discussion about arrangements and how things move forward before contact resumes. From what you have said, these discussions need a neutral third party to facilitate then.

I understand why you are saying it, but forget about making him see what he has done etc. That way heartache lies. And, you need to get into a position where he and his feelings and thoughts are a matter of total indifference to you. You know that he has acted like a total bastard. That's all that matters.

Re: the new baby, he could take it out in a pram for 15 minutes, surely? If not, can you go to a neutral venue where he sees the baby and you are in another room. What about your parents?