My parents are doing my head in

[cookiemonster100]

Hi all,

My parents are divorcing after donkey years of being married. This isn't the first they have seperated, I have lost count the amount of times they have. But this is def the final as the divorce papers have been filled.

Ever since I was a kid I have always been caught in the middle. They don't talk to their siblings of friends, they off load onto me. I am tired of it. Every night one rings then the other moaning about the other side. I have ignored calls in the past but they just keep ringing. Sometimes it's easier to hear it so I can get on with the rest of my day. My back arches when I hear the phone ring praying it's not for me.
I have told them several times I want to keep out of it, they leave it for a couple of days & back it goes.
It's sucking the life out of me.
They use me as their consellor & forget I am their daughter sometimes.
If it wasn't for my hubby & kids I think I would run away.

Tell them. I had to tell mine when this happened.

As much as they have the right not to like the other, you have the right to not let anyone put your mum or dad down because it hurts you. I told them they hurt me every time they had a pop at the other to me and it stopped.

Have you ever told them how it makes you feel? Could you? Is there another family member who could?

Yes I have told them. Several times. I feel quite beaten by it. I don't even know how we get back to the cycle of daily phone calls. :(

Then you have to tell them that you love them very much but will only speak to them once a week (or whatever you can cope with) and won't answer the phone to them any day except allocated day. In an emergency they can text. And don't feel even remotely bad - they're being very unfair on you.

Yes I have told them. Several times. I feel quite beaten by it.

You told them what you wanted them to do. You can't control other people. You can only control what you do.

Tell them you will hang up if they say a single bad word about the other one. Then do it. Every single time. No warnings, no "what did I say about moaning about mum/dad?", just .

Even now he is texting me asking me to call. I said no as it was late & we were unwinding before bed. He then text me a question ( I have not responded).
FGS it's 9.30 - just F off the pair of you.

I see my mum daily as she helps with childcare (which the kids & her love - pick up from nursery as I can't get there from work on time). So unfort there is no escaping my daily update there.

joysmum did they have anyone else to turn to? I feel if I push away too much they won't have someone to support them & then feel isolated.

They are adults and are responsible for their own well-being. You can help, of course, but you're not responsible for their happiness. You have to step back.

It is not your job to support them! They are putting you in an impossible situation and should be ashamed. Do you have a sibling or partner who could be a bit more assertive on your behalf?

You have to deal with it every time it comes up. Say sorry I told you I wasn't going to listen to this. They will keep trying out of habit, you have to break it.

I agree with all of your comments. I think I have lost my strength but just being beaten & over powered.
We are going away this weekend & DH has suggested leaving my mobile at home. I think I will do that & hopefully get my strength & resilience back to try & break the habit. Maybe I am relying on them to stop it & not me to stop the situation.
God I am tired. So tired x

Send a text telling them that although you appreciate they are going through difficulties that you love & value them both equally and do not wish to be drawn into their divorce troubles as their daughter due to it making you feel uncomfortable and awkward.

Good luck.

Explain once again how upsetting it is for you and lay it on thick. And then suggest that if they are having such problems dealing with the divorce and their feelings against each other that, instead of unfairly putting you square in the middle, each of them should see a counselor or their clergy-person and talk things out with them.

Mobile phones are wonderful things. Use the block facility. Let the messages come in but ignore them. Ignoring them is the power you have and the power she will try to take from you. Be strong!

Get a new sim but don't give them the number. Then use the new sim for everything, and only put your old sim back in once a week or whatever period of time you want (once a month?), you'll have lots of texts and can call them then. Especially as you see your mum every day.