Should we move?

[BlendedFamily1602]

I'm divorced with a 9 year old son. I have been seeing my new partner for coming up to two years and we are now planning to take things to the next level. This involves getting married and also relocating to where he lives in Devon.

He has two children - 12 boy, 15 year old girl. His daughter is currently being treated in a residential home for Borderline Personality Disorder. She has tried to commit suicide twice and has a history of self harm. His son has anger management problems and has just started to see a councilor. They're actually lovely children underneath their issues and I think that by setting up a stable and loving family unit they would benefit from it. The plan initially would not be for them to live with us full time but this may change.

My concerns are around the impact their behaviour will have on my son who is at a very impressionable age. I also don't know anyone else who has BPD so not sure how this manifests itself when the child is older.

Would like to know if anyone else has found themselves in a similar situation, what they did about it and how things turned out.

How long have you, your partner and your DS spent together with his DCs as a family? Has it generally been a long distance arrangement up to now. Personally I would be very, very reluctant to put my DS at any risk of distress - however unintentional the behavioural problems may be on the part of the children. I would be very worried that moving to Devon and taking DS away from friends, school, family etc would make it very difficult to get out of the arrangement if it didn't work.

Hi and thanks for your reply. Yes this has been a long distance relationship with the whole family being together for 2 weeks in summer and Christmas and then a week at Easter as well as a weekend once a month.

My son has said he wants to move - although he's only 9 so can't be expected to make an informed decision. He doesn't have a very good relationship with his father and sees my new partner as a positive influence on his life and someone he can look up to. As an only child he is also excited about the prospect of having a new brother and sister.

It's very difficult because I can see from a lifestyle point of view our environment etc will be better but have reservations about potential negative influence his children may have as he grows older.

I don't know enough about the condition his daughter has to understand the impact it can have on the family - I'm researching it at the moment.

This decision will take some time to finalise - I'm certainly not taking the challenges lightly.

I would be very worried about bringing my child into what sounds like an incredibly complicated situation with a lot of subtext to it.

Why have these children got so many problems? One child with difficulties might just be bad luck, but two seems to suggest something a bit more sinister.

Thank you for your reply. On the face of it yes it could be very sinister but the doctors believe the condition his daughter has could be genetic. We aren't sure yet if his son has it as well and is just starting to manifest itself or whether he is just displaying typical teenager behaviour.

I would also be very concerned about what I was exposing my child to. Step families are hard enough but both his kids seem to have serious issues that could go on for years, in fact if it's was me, that would probably be my reason to not go but you of course might be an entirely different person to me.

Thanks Jan. That's my dilemma. Do we continue with our current arrangement and see how the children improve, giving it more time? Finish it altogether? Or go and see what happens. It's very difficult because for all I know the children may get better, but on the other hand they may get worse.

what's it been like when you went to stay with them all?

It's absolutely fine. Both the kids seem to have taken to me. Their mum is not what I would classify as a normal mum - I like to create a home and cook nice food and really show my son how much I love him, making him feel secure and safe.

She is a different person to me - her upbringing was very harsh and in turn she had no pride in her home and didn't like to cook or create a homely, welcoming environment. Her brother committed suicide which is where the genetics thing has come from. Her mother is very cold.

When I am there it's as if I assume the mother's role - the house has a different feel to it - more welcoming etc. I cook for everyone and really try to make it a lovely atmosphere.

My partner is quite a traditional man and has been the provider - working to send his kids to private school, take them on nice holidays etc. He always made time for his kids but the divorce has driven a wedge between everyone. His ex had a two year affair so when he found out he told her to leave. He has proof etc but the kids won't believe him. She has since had to move to a flat in not a nice area and, as their mum, they feel sorry for her I think.

The thing is everyone wants us to move down - the kids and even my partner's ex wife.

I think you're being far too optimistic about the prognosis for what are clearly quite serious conditions. You talk about them being nice kids deep down and the impression I get is that you think with some motherly love and a bit of structure, you can fix them. I'm sure you're very keen to marry this guy but do be sure that your eagerness isn't clouding your judgement. It is very difficult to cope with behavioural problems when it's your own children. When it's someone else's, it's 10 X more difficult.

Thanks - I hear what you're saying about being too optimistic. I think that's just my nature. I do agree with you about thinking love and structure will help - I think it will but may be I am looking at everything through rose tinted glasses.

Lots to think about.

I find it a bit alarming that they both have serious mental health issues - can only go by my own experience, took on a foreign 11 year old boy who had mild issues, nothing in comparison to these two - I couldn't do it, I found the whole experience too traumatic - too much giving with not much in return, and sorry but Cog is right, it's 100 times harder than if it was your own child.

I think you need to find out more about these two individuals as individuals, not as their 'diagnosis'. I have a lovely friend with BPD who is very high functioning, cannot maintain a romantic relationship and has periods of anxiety but is a great friend and lovely person. I know others with BPD suffer more. Same goes for the son.

I would suggest that your partner needs to speak to the mental health professionals working with his children and maybe even ask them whether they'd meet with you (albeit respecting confidentiality). I don't know what the deal is with medical confidentiality and step-parents in this situation.

What about moving to Devon to be near partner, but waiting a few years before moving in?

I wouldn't move in. DSS had a very turbulent few years (age 17-19) even without mental health issues and I'm glad DS and I didn't live with DH at the time.

Thank you all for your comments.

That's a great idea about talking to the mental health professionals - I will certainly see if this can be organised. As I said at the outset they're actually really nice kids and I would hate to write off a future if this is something that can be worked on.

I just need to make an educated decision and know what I'm letting my son and myself in for.

If I were your partner my first thought would have been to speak to my children's MH professionals about the possible change in their life.... If you do marry and move in together then it may have to be done very carefully.
Moving to the same town but not marrying or living together would be a sensible interim step, particularly if your ds is happy with the idea of moving and if you'd be open to the idea of staying even if your relationship with your dp can't progress to marriage or living together while the children are still children.

Its a very hard decision isn't it?

I personally would be very cautious. If there is a chance that sooner or later you could all be living together, I'd be worried & anxious about the levels of stress that caring for two children with difficulties could put on you, your son & your relationship.

Personally, I'd keep my own home as a sanctuary for my child and I, and would continue (if its possible) a long distance relationship instead, enjoying the balance of a calm home and time with a boyfriend when I could.

But only you know how you really feel?...best of luck with whatever you decide.