advice on whether to keep my baby

[harlz]

Im 26 i was in a very volatile relationship with my ex for around 3-4 years on and off and we still manage to argue even now so hes always on the scene. (im still inlove with him and he knows this)

I recently met a guy just over a month ago and we have started dating, he is really keen and i know he likes me alot, but im not sure about my feelings, he is only 22.

Ive found out im pregnant 6 weeks and my initial thought was to have an abortion (im on the pill). Ive told him and hes said whatever i decide he will stick by but he doesnt feel ready for a baby.

Im starting to feel quite attached now i know im pregnant, and i kow id be stupid to keep the baby but theres a big part of me that doesnt want to have an abortion, and want to keep it. Ive thought about how its going to be and i cant think of any pros other than i think this guy is a decent person. Im scared and i just want some advice, i dont want to ruin his life hes only young, i dont want to be a single mom, but im not sure about my feelings with him. i just had an idea of the man of my freams, then marriage then kids etc and now this has happened i have alot of emotions.

Can anyone give me abit of advice on what to do and the pros and cons im facing if i keep it.

You can never see into the future and see how a romantic relationship is going to pan out. It would not be wise to make a decision based on something you can't possibly predict like will the bloke you've just started seeing be in your life forever.

You are pregnant. The questions you need to ask yourself are - do you want to have and raise a child? Do you feel that you are able to have and raise a child? Do you feel ok financially? Emotionally? Are you prepared to be a parent? How would you feel to not continue with the pregnancy? If you chose that, would you want support with that? Do you know where to go to get that support? Would you want to discuss your options with a professional whose job it is to support women to reach the decision that is right for them?

Whatever choice you make, make it for you, not for a bloke you just met who may or may not be ok and who may or may not still be around in 20 years.

The question here is do you want to have a child.

It's a massively difficult question but it's not one you have to rush to figure out, you have time to think and to talk through your options.

Brilliant and kind reply

Fab answer by HowCanI.
I found myself pregnant at 28 to a abusive and horrid man who I was not in a prosition to get away from at that time, I was terrified as I didn't want children and I certainly didn't want one with him.
I like you found myself becoming attached so I wrote a list of pro's and con's.
It took me a week or so to compile this list and I was tough and honest on it.
I knew I could provide for it, I also knew I could love it.
So all the basic's were covered... roof, warmth, food, love etc.
Then the question of could I give 16 years to full time care, school runs, illness etc.
My choice was to have what is now my DS as a single Mum, I won't lie and say it was easy because it isn't but I will say for me it was totally worth it.

OP you have to be hard, honest and brutal and ONLY think of what is best for you.
Good luck in what ever you decide.

Realistically speaking, you are together a month, he's a good bit younger, and you are still in love with someone else. Do you honestly think there is any future in this relationship? A baby certainly won't be enough to keep you together if you wouldn't otherwise.

The decision is yours and only yours. It sounds obvious but is worth saying: you need try and make the decision based on the reality of the situation, which is that its far more likely that if you have this baby, you will be doing it on your own, if not at the start then at some point, than in a strong family unit.

Try not to focus too much on dream scenarios. Could you support yourself and a child with little help? Do you have family to fall back on? What about work? What about your living situation? Its so easy to get swayed by the emotions at this point, when its the practicalities you need to try and focus on.
Best of luck. Talk it out here as much as you need, there are lots of helpful people to talk to.

I got pregnant at 20 a month into a relationship. As soon as I found out, I knew I was going to keep the baby, which is weird as I never wanted children

Unfortunately her dad was an abusive arsehole. We managed 5 horrible years together before spilt, and I have to say being a single parent, although harder, is so much better.

I have never regretted having DD, although I do regret who her father is.

In fairness to him, since we split he has been 100 times better with his responsibilities than he was before.

Obviously the decision is ultimately up too you, and you can never predict how life will turn out.

Do you have a good family you can rely on?

Thankyou.. ive never wanted kids or even thought about it, and i thought to myself when i found out, a) im not ready and b) its not just my life id be changing forever. - so i have got to take into account his feelings too, its my final decision but at the end of the day he will be a father and i dont want to put that pressure on him.

But the more i look into it the more i feel like i want the child. Im not financially stable, i do have a well paid job and i have my own house but a child is expensive and i dont think many people are completely financially ready.
And im not ready at the moment to have a child, but at the same time there was a small sense of excitement and the more i think about it the more i think maybe i could do it.

Everything that goes thjrough my hea don reasons i shouldnt have a child, i then find an argument going against it, so im very half and half.

i guess i want to know if anyones been through an abortion before and is it hard to live with especially if your not sure? or has anyone decided to keep a child and how thats worked out?

Im looking for some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

And i dont really have alot of time to think about it all times not really on my side if i think about having it aborted.

You have time to think about things.howcani says it more eloquently than I could. Look to yourself, how do you feel about being a parent? Are you at a stable point in your life? Do you have real life support? Bpas, Marie stopes and the fpa offer counselling and support and can help you consider your options. Life doesn't always happen in an order you expect. But it's equally ok to say you just aren't ready yet.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best and please keep posting if you need to.

OP I've made both decisions (to keep and to terminate, the last very recently) and I'm at peace with my decision to terminate. I'm also happy with having gone through my pregnancies with both boys. Both decisions were right for me at the time I made them.

I did have a termination when I was 21 and have never, ever regretted it, it was the right choice for me.
I think you really need to talk to a pregnancy advisor to be able to make the best choice.
Don't do anything that you are unsure of, both choices can deeply affect your future happiness and health.
You need real life help/advice someone to talk to OP, great to have here BUT not enough.

Thanks

Is he hopeless?

Or is he controlling &/or abusive?

If he is anywhere on the scale of NPD or OCPD then do not link yourself to him forever. I am forever linked to a man who has sought at every turn to control me and punish me, even at one point trying to abuse the LAW to control me.

If you decide to go ahead with the baby, tell him that you have lost it and you're really sad. Then disappear out of his life.

But realistically, that is a very problematic scenario to juggle indefinitely. Seriously, some may criticise my bluntness, but I would terminate.

After you have your child it still feels painful that you can't go back and give them a decent kind calm reasonable father. There's no fixing that one, ever. That brought with it a lot of guilt for me.

sorry, i misunderstood.
You've had good advice about the pregnancy.
Please don't be "in love" with an abusive man. That is not the recipe for a happy life. Love yourself too much to be 'in love' with an abusive man.