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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

(Ex)bf having nervous breakdown - won't leave (sorry long)

12 replies

BabyBump2B · 16/02/2015 12:21

I'm really worried about this & almost all my break ups have been amicable (or we've been grown up about it) so never dealt with anything like this.

My (now)ex bf has been suffering some mental health issues. Signed off work for a bit for anxiety. Had at least one manic episode, etc. We live together (have for 2.5 months) with my DD.

On Saturday we finally split (been heading that way for weeks) Mostly because he said that I make him anxious & if that's true then us bring in a relationship together isn't healthy for him & he's not going to get better. Talked stuff through - mentions of him moving out or as that might be tough me moving dd into our room & he staying in hers till he could move out properly.

Yest we had a lunch with some of his friends booked, it'd been in the diary for a couple weeks. I wasn't sure I should go but he said He wanted me to so I did. He was really lovely during lunch even sent me a text thanking me for being so kind and making it easy for everyone. Then when I said I had to go pick up my DD (which he knew about) he started sending me horrid texts. This continued for a bit until I blocked his number as I was with DD and didn't want to be upset any more.

Last night I unblocked to say that clearly as I have such a negative effect on his mental health that maybe he should indeed move out.

As soon as the block came off the abusive texts started again. Loads of paranoia, name calling, etc. Then he said he wasn't going to move out. When I said we clearly couldn't live together he said "One has to be alive to need some where to live."

I freaked out and told my friend who's a mental health nurse. He said call for help so, even though I was in Glous & he's in London I called 999 and they said they'd send an ambulance (he's taken an overdose before). When they called him he hung up on them and when they arrived he told them he was fine, sent them away and made fun of me for calling them. He kept calling me two faced and a liar.

Haven't heard from him since. Last few texts were about him not going anywhere and how horrible I am.

I don't know what to do. How do you make someone leave who doesn't want to go? I've arranged for DD and I to stay with friends when we're back tomorrow but what if he won't go? What do I tell DD? He is adamant that his mental health problems are my fault so not sure that I can reason with him. Any advice is very much appreciated. I'm scared and at a loss of what to do.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 16/02/2015 12:24

Have you only been living together for ten weeks? Has he moved into your place?

Rollercola · 16/02/2015 12:25

Is the house owned/rented jointly? Is it an option for you and your dd to move out? I had something similar when exh & I split, sorry you're going through this, it's very hard.

mix56 · 16/02/2015 12:32

If its your flat, & you pay the rent, can you collect his stuff & put it outside, when he is out, & tell him by text ? You'll need to change the locks
There will be a scene, but he cannot behave this way.
Depending on age of DD, I think you should tell her he is unstable, & that he can't stay as he has got to get his mental health treated.

So easy to blame you.....I mean forget the blame .......Really

Original poster

BabyBump2B · 16/02/2015 12:34

Yeah sorry meant to say we rent - both names are on the lease.

And yes only 10 weeks living together - think it might have triggered something in his mental state.

OP posts:

Rollercola · 16/02/2015 12:37

Where did you both live before you moved in together? Can't one of you move back there? I'm not sure you can insist it's him though if you rent this house jointly.

Quitelikely · 16/02/2015 12:43

If I was you I would be looking for somewhere else to live ASAP.

Contact the agent and tell them your predicament. You can't have this sort of craziness around your dd.

He seems extremely abusive to me.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2015 12:53

Talk to the police (on 101 if you are currently staying with friends), ask for the DV unit, get their advice. They may come and remove him and his belongings on the grounds that he is mentally ill and a potential danger to you and your DD.
And don't feel too guilty. 'I'm mental, me' is a fairly common abusers' tactic - even if he is ill, he needs professional help and you are under no obligation to put up with abusive behaviour from him and definitely not for your DD to have to see it.

hedwig2001 · 16/02/2015 12:59

I read "One has to be alive to need some where to live." as a threat against you. Wonder what the police would make of it.

SilverFishFly · 16/02/2015 13:56

Making references to suicide then laughing at you when you take it seriously and calling you names is classic emotional abuse. You had a normal balanced response to a serious issue - he tried to belittle your normality and throw you of balance, he is trying to fuck with your head. I'm sure at somepoint he has blamed his mania/depressipn on you or something you should have done but didn't. It sounds like he is very insecure and can not handle pressure and lashes out at the drop of a hat. Definitely call the police and say he is a danger to himself and your dd. Definitely phone the landlord and explain the situation. This man is an Emotional Abuser, please try not to feel sympathy for him or try to help him as he will just suck you back into his messed up world.

Original poster

BabyBump2B · 16/02/2015 15:53

Thanks everyone for responding - really really appreciate it.

hedwig2001 - Oh god I didn't take it that way but yes can see how that would be the case.

soldgoldbrass Thank you for the suggestion of calling 101 - they were really kind and I'll be meeting someone for advice in the next couple of days.

I have been looking for something else but there's not a lot in the area and I literally can't afford to move. I have no family in the UK but his parents are a tube stop away and they have 2 spare rooms so there is somewhere for him to go. Friend's have said they'll put us up but that's not a long term solution!

My exH is being really supportive too and has said he'll help me figure out what to tell DD.

Mostly I feel like an idiot. I've been trying to help him for weeks now and he constantly tells me I'm the problem. It's very hard.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 16/02/2015 15:58

If he moves out, are you able to manage the rent on your own? It would seem a lot less hassle for him to go than for you, considering you've got your DDs stuff as well.

mix56 · 16/02/2015 16:42

would there be any way of renting a room out to help pay the rent ?
don't know if landlord would agree ?

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