How to go NC with DM

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

Anybody on here done this? Do I inform her I am doing so? Or just ignore any contact? Do I let her continue to have contact with DC (not that she seems to have any interest in them ATM).

Depends on how pushy she is and your circumstances with her.

Generally people are either the sort to 'hoover', ie try and try to get you back into contact with them, or the to ignore you utterly.

If they're the sort to ignore you utterly, it's easy. Make sure you have everything from your childhood that you want from the family home first then send them a recorded letter. Done.

If they are the other sort it's a lot harder. They will try to ring, text, email, turn up on the doorstep. Then they will send relatives / friends. Presents for the children. it's hard hard work to get rid of them.

Three options:

1. tell them. You'll get the full industrial level hoovering, possibly with added Rage Outburst.

2. Don't tell them, just quietly stop returning calls. Quieter in the short run but they will soon start trying to contact you.

3. An I'm Busy approach. Be hard to get. Return calls late, or not at all. If they badger you for appointments, tell them you'll get back to them. Then forget. Turn up late to appointments you have to keep. Gradually ring them less.

Most of all, stop giving them any personal information. Everything in your life is fine, everything is boring, your husband is fine just busy, you're fine just busy, the children are fine, same old same old. And keep calm in the face of any rage or tears or manipulation.

Which situation are you in, if I might ask?

She's the sort who will make it all about Her. How sad she is about it etc.

Situation is my DH moved out almost two weeks ago. When I finally told her about it (knowing she would be no support) her whole agenda was how upset she was. How disappointed in me she was. And that has continued. She can't speak to me because she's too sad about it.

I'm sad for my DC who asked why nanny wasn't coming to see them. And I'm sad for me as well, I have never expected anything from her as she has never delivered. But I guess I just felt if ever things were really bad she would be there for me.

Everything from my childhood? She dumped that on me a few years back as it was taking up too much space. A few photos of my dad, 2 school reports and my baby bracelet from hospital. That was my entire childhood that she had kept.

oh god, toast. I'm sorry. How bloody mean of her.

Do you think that in future you will want some contact even for the kids' sake, or do you think this is it - that it's better for the kids and you if you simply don't expose them to this disappointment again?

If you think the latter, from what you say, wait for her to contact you. She can't speak to you? Okay, well, wait. And wait and wait. When the call finally comes, be cool. Act cool, even if you don't feel it. Don't ring her back, don't give her much time on the phone. Don't let her speak to the children. Don't bother reading any cards or letters, just bin them. If she gets upset, say "I can hear you're upset, ring back when you're calmer". If you don't contact her, in the end contact will fizzle out.

Either way you'll get a lot of Woe Is Me, and probably quite a few flying monkeys (relatives / friends who try to get involved, often meaning the best). The best thing to say is that you appreciate their concern but it's between your mum and you.

If you think you want some limited contact then again, you can't do any better than just wait and still play it cool. Once you emotionally detach it will be easier. But in this case, ring her when you feel like it. It sounds like she's an emotional sponge soaking up yoru energy and care, so keep calls short, pleasant and neutral. I do think that if you do this, you'll have to warn the children that she can't be relied on though.

The link below is some suggestions as to how to go no contact and to avoid the common mistakes in doing so:-

www.lightshouse.org/how-to-go-no-contact.html#axzz3Rv4l5nGU

If she was not a good parent to you I would think twice before exposing your children to her in any form as well. Such inherently selfish and self absorbed people like your mother do not change.

What also would your children gain from having any sort of relationship with such a person, it would do them no favours at all for them to see their mother be so disrespected all the time.

Don't be afraid that you are depriving them of something important by cutting off a set of grandparents. You are only "depriving" them of bad things. Reassure yourself with that truth. Family is not everything. Blood is not binding. You are escaping the Mob Family. What should connect us is how we treat each other with love and respect. This is always a good lesson to teach our little ones. If any part of you is unsure of your decision then, for Pete's sake, don't show it. Your resoluteness will go a long way toward reassuring your children that you are acting in everyone's best interest. If your children know that you love them, they are going to feel reassured that this decision is also based in your love for them. They will find an added sense of security to know that you, as their parent, are willing to protect them even at the cost of your relationship with your own parent(s). Rather than being fearful, see the plentiful opportunities in this. You are protecting your children from someone whom you've experienced as being abusive; you are reassuring your children that you are in charge and are watchful for their best interests (creates deep sense of security); you can teach healthy family values which include that family doesn't get a pass for abusive behaviour; you can strengthen and reinforce the healthy relationships in your extended family. Kids are less likely to feel like there is a void in their life if you fill it with good things.

If I could give you just one little piece of advice here OP it would be to keep your DC away from her.

I made the mistake of thinking I could be NC and it didn't matter if DD still saw Toxic Gran, but it Did.Not.End.Well.

TG took great delight in manipulating DD every chance she took and made the teenage years about 50 times harder than they should have been. To be frank, and I hate to admit it, but the truth is, irreparable damage has been done to my relationship to my daughter because of my mistake.

Be prepared for her to develop a sudden mystery illness if you cut her off. And of course, the flying monkeys will be sent in to try to bully you into offering yourself up on a plate again for emotional abuse - you probably already know which members of your extended family will fulfill that role.

I really do sympathise - when my XH beat the shit out of me and I threw him out my DM pointed out that "nobody would ever do that to your DSIS" cos of course it was all my fault

This is probably the best decision you could ever make for yourself for your mental and emotional well being.

I have never ever regretted it, not for a second.

Good luck.

She doesn't phone me, contact is via email. One time she went nearly 4 weeks without contacting me.

She has no interest in my DC sadly. When I spent some time with her alone a few weeks ago she told me how nice it was to spend time without the children as they are always wanting my attention. Yeah sorry about that mum, will pop them in a cupboard next time you come round!!

My DC would be fine I think without seeing her, they rarely do anyhow. It used to be rare but she used to visit every few months bearing big armfuls of gifts. But that stopped and now she barely even speaks to them when she sees them.

It's not that I want to punish her, I just fail to see the point to having her in my life anymore. She has made me feel terrible about all of this even though she knows how the situation has been. It is somehow all my fault and I'm failing my DC.

It sounds like she adds nothing and just doesn't really care about you, to be blunt. you said it's all about her and nothing about you or your children.

It might not be too hard to gently slip away. No need to make a fuss, just quietly don't reply to a mail for a while. allow those whiles to become longer. Card at christmas, card at birthday, that's all that needed. She might not even realise.

I went NC with my mum last September. I stopped contacting her. She sent me an email asking to meet up and I used that opportunity to reply saying I never wanted to see her again. She didn't reply. Its been six months and in that time there's been Christmas and I've had a baby. She's sent me a birthday card but no other contact. Best thing I ever did. The weight off my shoulders is amazing.

I have been NC with my mum for almost two years now and my life is so much brighter because of it. I chose to send her a letter briefly explaining why i was going NC. I chose this way because my mum makes everything about her, even when i divorced, the response was exactly like yours. No consideration for me, just how affected she was, and she didnt even like my ex! So therefore, i was convinced she would do the hoovering thing and i didnt just want to ignore her calls etc as i knew i would stress when i heard the phone ring, incase it was her. So i chose to deal with things directly rather than have things drag on. In the end, she didnt hoover at all. Her only response was to send a very vicious letter with no remorse, just to hit me back, then nothing... I always knew she didnt care about me, but was shockeed at how easy she found it to just let me go. So, i guess you dont really know for sure how she will react till it happens.

Do what is right for you! If you think she will hoover, maybe a direct approach will be best. I also felt that this helped me be in control of the situation, as i chose the best time to send the letter, what exactly i wanted to say etc, rather than be the one who jumps when the phone goes or dread the post etc. but only you can know if this is the best in your situation. Also, i understand how let down you feel at the moment, but maybe wait for a few weeks? Separating from a partner can be so traumatic that maybe this is not the best time for you to make any big decisions. I was the one who walked out on my marriage (history of abuse) yet i was utterly shell shocked for that first week or two.

The thing is this isn't the first time I feel let down by her and I guess it's the straw that broke the camels back. I confided in her a few years back that I was unhappy with DH and the reply from her was vile. Basically telling me I would never find anyone else and in it she justified the fact she knew my stepfather was abusing me by saying those were the sort of sacrifices you had to make when you remarried and had children....

Abusing me as a child I mean.

But yes I do currently feel shell shocked and maybe not the best time to make a decision but I can't put up with much more of her emails about her upset.

This awful letting you down after your relationship has ended is another nail in the coffin really, but it's appalling that she justified knowing you were being abused.

On the basis of that alone I don't think you should ever allow her near your children again, toast, sorry. She is absolutely not to be trusted unless she genuinely apologised from the heart.

But there is no need to decide now. She is hardly going to be turning up to help you so it should be easy enough to let it slide until you are ready to make a decision or not. You have enough on your plate right now.

Good luck

Just set up a folder on your email and auto direct everything into that. Don't read it. You seriously don't need an emotional vampire right now.

I went NC last summer, I was 45 years old and it was at the end of a year that saw me scapegoated and shouted at so many times that I started to become ill with the stress of it all.

My kids understand, I think, but I think it is doubly hard as they are not included in their Father's side of the family and now they have been cut off by my side as well.

I know they are upset though, but what can you do?