Relationship with my mother---this is long!

[Heffalumps]

HI - I'm not sure whether I am looking for help/advice/hand hold or just somewhere to talk this through.
I have posted before about how frequently grandparents see DC and have some on going difficulties with my mother.
My mother has complex health needs, both physical and mental health - her current diagnosis is that she is Bi-Polar with elements of schizophrenia, she also has periods of psychotic depression. Alongside this she suffers from poor physical health - there is always a new ailment/illness that needs attention. She is 100% reliant on my DSDad and they moved about 130 miles about a year ago.
If I were to be 100% I would say that elements of her health are deliberately exacerbated or exaggerated to make her more reliant on those around her.
I went through a divorce last year and am now a single parent to my DD, aged 11. I also work full time, so am not rich in disposable time (or income!) but I/we manage and splitting from her dad was the right thing to do as it was not a happy environment for any of us or a good example for my DD....we are a happy little house...
My other parents live abroad and I am a single child; the rest of our family has been isolated by her over the years. I have some (not many) fabulous friends and a job I love and a home; I know how lucky I am.

For the past two weeks, my mother has refused to talk to me because I would not take my daughter to see her over 1/2 term. I can understand her disappointment but I am tired and have made plans for DD - I told her at Christmas we would not visit for 1/2 term. If I phone, the phone is put down on me, but if I don't call, my Dsdad is told how much I don't care and hate her. If I don't ask my daughter to call her, I'm 'cutting her off' and yet I feel my daughter is old enough to realise that her grandmother's treatment of me is spiteful and unnecessary. They will not travel to visit us as my mother finds it too traumatic.

This happens periodically - if we go to stay and DD and I go for days out, we 'use it like a B+B' , but if we sit in all day my DD becomes bored and my mother then sits telling me how guilty she feels she cannot do anything or spends half the day in bed, too ill to do anything......I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, seemingly in all my actions.

It hurts. It hurts that she has not offered any support to me through my divorce and it hurts that as I going through the process of choosing Secondary education for DD and the next phase of DD and my lives that she won't even talk to me......but if I don't call, leave the messages, text etc then once this phase is over I will be chastised for 'not caring' and 'not including' her.

I know she is ill, she has become progressively worse over the last decade but I am not sure how long I can maintain this.
If I go NC with her that leaves just my Dsdad to 'manage' her, which feels cruel to do to him; she will not accept home help or see a psychiatrist due to past experiences and is rude and stubborn when faced with something she does not want to do - to the point where she is refused to be seen.

Wow - that was long, but feels better for saying it all....thank you if you have read this far!!
I am just fed up and a bit low - I am seeing a new start following a horrid couple of years and divorce, but feel anxious and sad all at once because of this.
Any thoughts/words/kicks up the backside or similar experiences welcome...

I can see that you are in a horrid situation. I have no real advice but some thoughts. I hope I'm not too blunt.

Your step dad chose to be in your mother's life, you did not. It is a very tough situation for him, but the only person you must put first is your dd.

Step right back. You've done your bit. I grew up with a mum who was always tending to her very needy step mother above everyone else. It came from a mixed up sense of gratitude. It has had quite an impact on my relationship with my mum. Stick to your guns and concentrate on your dd, as I'm sure you do.

It sounds very upsetting for you.

My first thought was, if you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, then why not do as you please, because the outcome will be the same?

Only do what you can cope with and think is reasonable. It doesn't sound as though your mother's demands are a good guide to what is reasonable. And yes, she probably will get worse as she gets older, as people usually do, which is all the more reason to put some limits on expectations now.

Thank you Finola - not too blunt at all, and your comments are appreciated.
I want DD to have a relationship with her GM but I am not sure how healthy this current situation is, whether I should be asking her to call GM etc
For an educated and usually 'up together' person, this floors me...

Re this earlier comment of yours:-

"If I don't ask my daughter to call her, I'm 'cutting her off' and yet I feel my daughter is old enough to realise that her grandmother's treatment of me is spiteful and unnecessary".

Why do you want your child to have a relationship with her nan at all given her ill treatment of you?. You would not have tolerated any of that from a friend, your mother is no different. Perhaps part of you think she will be a better grandparent than she was a parent to you however that is more of a triumph of hope over experience.

Societal convention really does not cut it in such situations either. Do either of you need this woman and your stepdad who still chooses to remain in her life?. Let him manage her and be her enabler (and no it is not at all cruel to let him do that, after all these people chose also to move over 100 miles away from you) you've done more than enough.

I have similar with my dad. I have learned not to expect him to be what I want. I expect him to be distance. Have absolutely no expectations if him other than when I do see him we have a nice time until the next time.
I used to get so upset and it didn't change anything except I was hurt. Now it's the same but I'm not hurt and actually I have a relationship now with my dad (of sorts)
Stop investing

Thank you--you have all kind of articulated how I feel I should respond
Re my DD, I guess that when my mother is 'better' she should have a pathway to a relationship with her, should she choose that, if I went NC then that would be cutting off that opportunity too, we have a very small family as it is.
I appreciate your comments, I know exactly how I would respond if reading my opening post, it's hard to translate that into how I should respond in life.

the fact that your mother is ill may explain her behaviour somewhat, but it doesn't justify it - and it absolutely does not mean that you have to put up with it.

You left your ex because you knew the situation wasn't good for your daughter. But now you are feeling like you "have to" expose her to more toxicity.

Just because your mother can occasionally act nice, this doesn't outweigh the damage she does when she's being nasty (as she is now). In the same way, the continually abusive partner who shouts and swears at you one evening doesn't get to give you a bunch of flowers the next day and have it all forgotten.

I know it's hard when you've only got a small family and you want your DD to have more people around. However, better a very small pool of people who have her best interests at heart, than a slightly larger pool which includes people only interested in themselves.

Your mother treats you badly and stops speaking to you when you cannot jump through her hoops.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

You wrote earlier that you felt your DD was old enough to realise that her gran's treatment of you as her mother is spiteful and unnecessary. What makes you think she would not use a similar modus operandi on your child?. What would your DD gain by having any sort of relationship with this person?.

You'd be both better off having decent and positive role models in your life (and these do not have to be direct family) rather than those who want to continually take and take all the time and give nothing in return.

Those are powerful messages pocketsaviour & Atiila, thank you.
So, what should I now do? Just stop contact? Explain why? Just leave it as it is?
I understand and accept your comments about the abuser who then gives flowers, expecting forgiveness and also having a smaller but more positive group for support and as role models for DD, but I don't see how to bring this to a conclusion and not end up in the wrong and being blamed for deserting my 'Ill mother'; I seem to be going round in circles but it is good to think it through...it's been a long time (too long) coming
Maddy68, sorry about your dad, but I'm glad you have a sort of resolution.

I think that it is your mother's pattern of behaviour, probably, to tell you that you are in the wrong and to blame you. All you can do is let go of any concern about that-see it as her issue that doesn't actually shed any light on your conduct.

In your shoes I would detach emotionally. In this situation it sounds like limited contact is the best option.

At heart it sounds like you want a loving relationship with your mum (as do we all!) but in the end it would be healthiest for you and for your daughter to accept that because of the sort of person your mum is, it's always going to be deeply flawed. Never a fully accepting, loving, close relationship. You can't change her, you can only work with how she is.

So, accept it and grieve for the relationship you would have had. You know that she is unreasonable. You know that you are not at fault. If you can, step back mentally and emotionally and see her as a stranger as well as your mother.

If you can do that, you might be able to simply smile when she makes the blameblameblame comments and answer "well you weren't talking to me so I respected your space and wishes" or "Sorry you feel that way". It might help to be relentlessly upbeat.

If it becomes too much for you, back off a while. I would actually say calmly and gently (easier if you have detached) 'look are you just wanting to blame me? If you are, this conversation is not going to go anywhere. Please ring me when you feel better".

About your daughter, I think you need to say that this spiteful blame behaviour is not acceptable and that while she's behaving like that you will be in less contact, until she behaves better. That even adults sometimes behave badly and we need to try to behave well even when we're ill. I think the point needs to be made that even though you love Mum / Grandma, this isn't helpful or constructive behaviour and you can tolerate it only so far.

It's sad when someone doesn't have any close and loving grandparents but it's not the end of the world. Good family friends make a big difference. It sounds like your Mum is a mixed blessing for your daughter so it's not like it's a pure gold relationship anyway.

I think I have started to grieve for it and that is what prompted me to post- I don't discuss her much in RL although friends are aware of her illness.
I had a cry this morning as I suddenly missed her, totally out of the blue, I wanted to tell her something but realised my voice would be heard & the phone put down. Poor DD saw & I did explain why I felt hurt etc...she's a wise one and 'gets' it
I will try the detachment, thank you
I am a relentless optimist most of the time ( irritating too I'm sure!) so shall try those phrases Meerka, thank you. The optimist has just not managed to triumph this time...I think saturation point has been reached. I also want to feel ok about putting myself first sometimes, the fact that I have things going on and that I'd like to discuss too....maybe not life limiting illnesses, but things that are important to me and my life/future
( hoping that didn't sound like petulant foot stamp...)

I would find a way to tell her simply and non confrontationally that you find the cold shoulder hard when you are struggling to find your feed as a sp and trying to be a good daughter. Say you can only do so much as you are struggling at the moment and this what you'll do. Write it down so she has it and can't be disappointed eg. Call every thurs at 7pm, visit for one weekend in April, June and sep eg. Then just stick to that and ignore any crap.