What's this called...is there even a name for it?

[Levismum]

I started a thread yesterday as my relationship is literally over.

I tried talking to dp last night but I end up taking the blame for everything.

So for example, dp is really really lazy. But because I can't keep the house spic & span, I end up feeling guilty about the messy house & what I haven't done so feel I can't pull dp on stuff he doesn't do as i haven't kept my side of the bargain.

I have organised every single project in this house. It was in a terrible state when we moved in. I asked dp to organise the garden after about 5 years as i was struggling to do everything. We've been here 12 years now. The garden still isn't done. We've 3 unbuilt sheds out there...nothing else!

Basically I feel as if everything is my fault. I am very hard on myself all the time. I feel as if, I should do things better, then dp will be better at doing things.

I'm exhausted. I can't work out what I'm doing anymore! Dp won't do ANYTHING unless I rant at him. He used to tell me to tell him to do stuff so I did but now he won't even do that. He'd live in a shit hole & sit watching TV all day given half a chance. It drives me insane. To say we have diffrent standards is an understatement.

Then I start self blaming ...again!

So does anyone understand what I'm going on about? Is it actually me? Is this a 'thing'? Have I made any sense at all?!!

I actually come across as unhinged! Help me get some perspective please!

There is a name for this

It's called "having an arsehole for a partner"

I don't blame you for saying enough is enough. It is enough to drive you crazy. I don't know why you are blaming yourself for the deficiencies of another person though.

AnyFucker- i love your style, so direct! When I read your posts I hear my favourite aunts voice!

I do this with everything not just dp. One ofmy dc is autistic. I never approached anyone for help. I really felt the problem was that I wasn't parenting him propley. He's in a special school as the autism is quite severe.

I have no judgement of any situation!

If I ever needed a shoulder to cry on or ear to bend when I thought I was being 'wibbly' I'd give AnyFucker a nudge. No frills or froof in her advice .

Now we just need cogito to analyse why you might blame yourself un necessarily. She's good at that stuff, I just do the bit where I tell you that you don't have to and that your life will get immeasurably better when you stop

AnyFucker is more boot up the arse than shoulder to cry on!
Definitely no frills or froof ( what's froof?)

Froof - unnecessary frippery or sugar coating .

I'd need a boot up th'arse if I were 'wibbly'.

AF Cognito MN Advice Services

Look at it this way. Has all your nagging, cajoling, shouting, crying made one blind bit of difference to his lazy and chauvinistic attitude towards the shitwork that we all have to do to make our living environment pleasant for everybody to exist in ?

maybe temporarily to get you to STFU for a while ?. But long term ...no

it's him ...he doesn't care enough to put himself out even slightly. Nobody enjoys scrubbing the bog do they ? But most of us just get on with it. Actually my H is doing just that right now by complete coincidence while I MN. But in a mo, when I have finished this cuppa, I am going to go and clean the living room and he will watch "Homes Under The Hammer" or summat (we are both on AL this week)

give and take, lovey

when one person is doing all the giving while the other lies back and takes it all, it's time to re evaluate what you get out of that

well done for deciding this is not something acceptable to you

iklboo-

Thankyou AnyFucker, it makes absolute sense reading your reply but I know in reality I have this stupid guilt thing going on. It actually makes me unpleasant as i end up so angry & direct it at dp.

I know very well I can't control others, only how i react to them...

Very true.

does this thread ring any bells with you ?

Yes AF, the other day.
Reading that thread was a very weird experience as i never considered dp to be PA until I read it. He ticks alot of the boxes.

The description of the PA partner (me) is an absolutely perfect description of me.

I some how need to change my responses. I DO NOT want my dd to grow up, thinking this is normal... I know dp will never change.

I think you simply don't like the person you become when you're with him. Miserable, angry, frustrated. It's been going on so long you think this is the real you. Lose the toxic relationship and I think you'd find you were a perfectly nice person underneath.