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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP of 3 years doesn't want sex anymore, should I move on?

19 replies

PinkButton · 16/02/2015 10:57

We have been together nearly 3 years, don't live together. I am 57, he is 10 years older at 67, though he initially led me to believe he was the same age as me,
To begin with sex was wonderful, very fulfilling and very often. Over the first year we settled into a pattern that suited us both. Then about 18 months ago things started to slide, sex dwindled to about twice a month, and now absolutely nothing. We have talked and talked about this many times, he cannot give me any reasonable explanation as to why he doesn't want me sexually anymore. Being conscious of his age I suggested he visit his GP. This he did, with me, very reluctantly. GP was very sympathetic and checked DP's testosterone and prostate levels, all were found to be normal. DP was prescribed Viagra, was very reluctant to even have the prescription made up. never mind actually use it. We did try it however, and although he got an erection, the love making was atrocious, he doesn't touch me in any way. doesn't look at me and can only climax by masturbation with me looking on and feeling like a spare part.
He recently told me that he has been watching porn and became aroused by it.
This has now spilled over into all other parts of our relationship, I find myself getting really irritable with him for the slightest thing. I think I prefer to spend time on my own than with him.
He says he loves me dearly and really wants us to stay together. I have suggested counselling but he doesn't want to discuss things with a third party.
I love him but the lack of any sort of intimacy has altered my feelings for him. He would be devastated if we parted as he seems to very dependent on me emotionally and does not have any close friends or family nearby.
I am considering calling it a day, I don't think I can stay in a relationship that has no intimacy.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2015 11:03

Definitely call it a day rather than wasting time. Sex lives can wax and wane but when there's no physical intimacy at all and when you've been replaced with porn, there's no point sticking around to be insulted.

LoisPuddingLane · 16/02/2015 11:07

Yep, agreed. It doesn't sound like it's going to improve, because he's not that willing.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 11:10

move on

Quitelikely · 16/02/2015 11:12

Check out the death grip. Also he obviously needs porn to get aroused.

To fix this ban him from porn and masturbation. No doubt his drive and desire will return but only you can decide if you want to go down this path.........

You could just get rid......,.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/02/2015 11:17

He seems to have plenty of drive and desire but it's all aimed at pleasuring himself!! There are lots of ways to achieve sexual fulfilment with a partner that don't involve PIV or ejaculation. But 'he doesn't touch me in any way' together with the porn and masturbation.... that's just a selfish lover. Ten a penny.

Donatello68 · 16/02/2015 11:18

You have been very understanding and have gone a long way in trying to sort the problem out. He doesn't seem to have made much effort. I would move on...

stitch10yearson · 16/02/2015 11:18

LEAVE

MelonBallersAreStrange · 16/02/2015 11:19

Yes, call it a day.

What's a relationship without sexual intimacy? Friendship.

His lack of other friends nearby isn't your problem to solve.

Devastated if you leave? That means you stay with him because he is pathetic and you pity him? No. No. No.

ToYouToMe · 16/02/2015 11:21

Would give him one last chance. Let him know the lack of intimacy is a deal breaker. If nothing changes, you have to move on.

BeCool · 16/02/2015 11:25

He is still having a sex life, just not with you!
I think it's time for an ultimatum if you can be arsed, or simply just move on.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed about this - he is happy for you to live an intimacy free life, when there is something he can do about it. He is being very selfish.

ressyHedMair · 16/02/2015 11:28

Agree with cogito and anyfucker.
move on, he's selfish

and it might be water under the bridge now, but he lied to you about his age, he subtracted a decade!? That's big lie. A vain lie.

onceIloved · 16/02/2015 11:32

Doesn't sound too good to me - picture yourself in 25 years time, would you have any regrets if your love life stayed like this?

Original poster

PinkButton · 16/02/2015 17:54

thankyou everyone for your replies. What upsets me the most is that he knows I am very unhappy and yet he does nothing to try to help the situation. I've already given him more than one ultimatum, with no effect on him at all. Think I've already decided to call it a day, sad though it is as I thought at the beginning we were onto something good. Don't want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship. Thanks again all

OP posts:

albal14 · 16/02/2015 18:42

You 've done all you can to help, tho' it is down to him. He choses not to go along with your suggestions. I think he needs you as a friend.
Maybe he's not turned on by you anymore? He should open up and tell you, not keep you hanging on,very sefish as others have said.
Get out and find someone to bé intimate with mutually, it's the best feeling. Good luck.

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/02/2015 18:50

He needs a carer in the future and your it now im afraid he doesnt want to grow old on his own, but that's quite a lot to ask of you.

Ide move on as well as watching porn does show an interest but means he can please himself with very little effort, as engaging with you would require some. I think it's run it course op

gatewalker · 16/02/2015 19:11

For me, your statement about his being emotionally dependent on you and not having friends or family, coupled with the dwindling sex, describes your slipping into the "mother" half of the madonna-whore equation that so many men find themselves grappling with. He has split these two aspects, and you have landed squarely in one camp, and that's hard to reconcile unless and until he can reconcile these two parts in his psyche.

Counselling or therapy can help enormously, but I suspect that a part of him - possibly beyond his consciousness - is heavily invested in resisting them.

If he can't deal with himself, you'll be left trying, and failing, to hold him, and your relationship, together. It isn't your job. Best of wishes.

SilverFishFly · 16/02/2015 20:53

I've been exactly where you are only i was in my 40's and he was in his 50's. It is very lonely sitting there watching your partner masturbate and pretending to enjoy it. I feel for you. And sadly i don't think it will ever improve for you. And it goes so much deeper then just the sex, its how he views women. Like the majority of people on this thread, i think your better out of this relationship before he totally underminds your self esteem. I know i'm much happier and content now we've seperated ... but then my ex was also a shitty narsassistic manipulative gaslighting arse!

ButtercupChin · 16/02/2015 21:04

I'm the same as Silverfish. I was in my forties with a man ten years older and we never managed to have penetrative sex. . I was also backed into a corner (chance would be a fine thing!) because he made it clear that talking about it made the problem worse, so he would just wank himself off while I pretended to find that somehow sexy.

I think it's time to go, especially as he basically expects you to just put up with it.

Suzannewithaplan · 17/02/2015 11:38

?If a man made it clear that he preferred masturbation to sex with me then I might suggest that we remain friends but I was free to seek sex elsewhere.
I certainly wouldn't play along by agreeing to watch him masturbate. ?

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