Will I ever trust again?

[Startingover231]

Hi First time poster here. I have read around these posts for ages at the amazing advice you all give each other, but never posted before. But I would like some advice from you all. My marriage ended suddenly about a year ago after my stbxh had an affair with a work colleague after 20 years of marriage. At the time I was devastated and thought I would never recover, but as time has gone on I have gradually started to pick up the pieces of my life. I recently met up with an old male school friend who i Hadn't seen for many years. He is separated too and we have had several 'dates'. I really quite like him and it's clear he feels the same, although we are taking things slowly. It's lovely having someone to talk to and text and care about how my day has been, but I am struggling with real trust issues. My stbxh was the last man around I would have expected to cheat and I find myself doubting everything my new man says/does. I want to just enjoy this new relationship and see where it goes and not be constantly worrying/analysing everything in minute detail. So will I ever get over the trust issues I have, does this mean it is too soon for me to be considering another relationship, or is it normal to feel like this? Any advice would be gratefully received. I just hate feeling so anxious all the time. Has anyone else experienced this?

Its normal to feel like that, hopefully in time these feelings will pass.

Welcome to MN. After having been badly betrayed, you're going to be naturally suspicious for quite some time. You may never be quite so naive or trusting as you were with your exH because you're an older, wiser, more cynical person as a result of your experience.

Do you think your behaviour is unreasonable? Is your lack of trust causing you to treat your new boyfriend badly? Or is the anxiety you're experiencing mostly internal i.e. you don't think you deserve love and are waiting for it to go wrong all the time?

Hi. Thank you! No I don't think my behaviour is unreasonable. I'm not constantly questioning him directly or treating him badly. It's more how I feel inside, the constant anxiety that he could be lying to me or when I don't hear from him that he's changing his mind... hard to explain really, he is very good at keeping in touch on the days I don't see him and we're not meeting up more than once or twice a week, it's not an intense sexual relationship, we just enjoy each others company. I want to enjoy this new relationship without the anxiety and see where it goes, it may go nowhere ..... I just wondered really if it was all too soon or if I would have felt like this anyway even if I'd waited longer before dipping my toe back in the dating waters!

Anxiety and insecurity are things that you have to work on yourself. It may be too soon for dating, I can't possibly judge. But IME post-divorce, the first few people you go out with are sort of 'test drives' & an opportunity to gradually get your confidence back and confirm that, in spite of what happened, you're still an attractive woman, capable of giving and receiving affection and so forth. It's also a opportunity to be more in control & dump a few so-so candidates rather than feel any kind of obligation to put up with crap. Would it have felt like this anyway? After 20 years with one person and 20 years out of the dating game, there are bound to be a few wobbles.

I guess that's the biggest problem! I have no idea how to 'date' anymore! It's nice to think someone is interested and cares about how my day has been, but I don't want to make a arse of myself and read too much into things. I like that we're old fashioned dating and he's not trying to get me into bed at the first opportunity, but I hate the anxious 'why hasn't he replied to my text' feeling, because that is how STBXH started behaving when he started the affair, suddenly he had no signal at work or was too busy! I guess it really is a case of time being a good healer and this relationship may go *s up and I may be sad about that or I may decide it's not what I want but I must try to enjoy and learn from it while things are going ok....

In the context of a 20 year marriage, cheating is heartbreaking and has serious implications. If your new boyfriend turned out to be cheating, what be the worse that would happen? You'd be angry, hurt & you'd definitely dump him.... but would your life change in any meaningful sense? Doubt it. Maybe if you take the approach that bad dates are easier to get rid of than bad husbands, you can relax and enjoy it more?

I know exactly how you feel about the anxiety. I started a new relationship last year , a few months after ending a really bad one. The anxiety I felt was overwhelming. Really not like me at all. Eventually I went to my GP who gave me sertraline. The anxiety is gone. It might be worth considering

cogito - what a sensible approach. You're right, if it does all go wrong, I am in many ways no worse off! Even having any sort of relationship is miles away from where I was last year! I have proved already to myself that I can! So deep breath and 'relax' seems to be very good advice! Thank you!

No problem. You're in charge of this. Direction, pace and if/when it ends it'll either be you dumping him or you'll shrug your shoulders and think 'his loss'....