Social anxiety, relationships, obsession...why can I not function

[roadtrippin]

I have social anxiety - only really pinned a name on it during the past few years, but from a lot of Internet / book research, and a lot of watching Youtube videos by people with social anxiety, I identify that as what I have. As part of that, I don't really have any friends (I have 2 old friends who I barely keep in touch with, but that's it). The only person that I am comfortable with, and feel I can be myself with, is my partner. This has been the situation for previous partners too, but only now is it becoming a problem.

We are long distance. He has a full life - 2 kids, family, friends. We try to see each other once every 1 or 2 weeks, but talk via text / phone / Skype every night, usually. I have a very full-on career, which keeps me busy most of the time, but in my head I still obsess about my partner. The only part of the day when I am truly happy and relaxed is when we are chatting in the evening. And the only part of the week when I am truly happy and relaxed is when we are together. I am always so sad and low when I leave him and the kids on Sunday night to start work again on Monday, and it happens every week.

Obviously my partner is not the same - he is a well rounded person with a lot of aspects to his life. He enjoys talking to me and spending time with me but it isn't the same to him, nor should it be. This week he is away with an old uni friend, his wife and all of their kids. He is having a really great time, but I can't function. I barely got out of bed or ate anything today or yesterday. Not done any of the work that I had to do. It is stupid because I don't usually see him in the week anyway.

There are probably a few things at play - missing him, jealousy about him having fun with other people, sad that I can't spend time with the kids (which I would really value), and despairing at my own inability to have any meaningful relationships in my life.

How can I stop myself getting like this? The social anxiety isn't going to go away over night - I am trying to build more people into my life, but that isn't helping me right now. I need to find a way to stop obsessing every time he does something with someone else.

Just to say - he doesn't know about this side of me. I am very good at controlling this in front of him e.g. for this half term week I told him to not worry about talking to me at all, to just have fun. Actually that is one of my ways of trying to cope because I find the odd text from him to be even more upsetting, so I try to stop all contact completely.

The obvious thing that leaps put of your story is why would you go for a long distance relationship if you are really only comfortable when you're with your partner? LDRs can be really tough on people with no form of social anxiety whatsoever. They require a huge amount of trust, self confidence and the ability to emotionally detach. Is there anything stopping you relocating nearer your partner?

Long distance relationships are never easy, but this sounds a lot more than just the usual woes.

Have you considered CBT? It is generally very good for anxiety related problems, and you could easily adapt it to change your thinking patterns about your partner, so you're not obsessing all week about the fact that you're not seeing him and he's having fun being all normal.

I know - I was living with my ex-partner, very settled although not very in love, but certainly felt stable emotionally/mentally - but then fell head over heels in love with current partner, and didn't realise how badly I would cope with the distance and without the comfort and stability of living with someone.

Because of the job I am doing, I won't be able to move until next summer when this part of my training is finished. It's been 2 and a half years so far, so another year and a half to go.

I registered for counselling through work, but the counselling is in the city where my training is based, which is usually not where I actually work. (Spend my life packing and unpacking suitcases, and won't actually be living in my own flat in my own city until end of March as of tomorrow). I couldn't even find time to fit in the initial assessment appointment, but I suppose it may be that I have to take time off work in order to go. I told myself it wasn't important enough to take valuable time off for, but maybe it is.

I am trying to find ways to cope e.g. wrote a long email earlier on, an email to him about my insecurities and things, that I then deleted. Sort of felt like being in touch with him even though I wasn't, and helped for an hour or so.

Feel like I've gone a bit mad?

Hiding this from him isn't going to help. If he knows you are struggling he can be sensitive to it. If he has no clue about this part of your personality, he could easily make things worse quite unintentionally. If you think he'll run a mile once he knows you suffer from anxiety then he's not the right partner for you.

He knows I miss living with a partner and struggle with long distance for various reasons. Part of what I can't fathom is - why can't I cope when he is doing something other than at home with the kids, that must be a jealousy aspect that needs addressing. I never cared when my ex partner went out of an evening, and in fact was happy to have quiet nights in on my own sometimes. So whether it is a product of distance as well, and us not getting to spend much time together, I don't know.

That one's easy. When he's on home turf you have a strong mental picture of what he generally does. Pottering in the kitchen, watching TV, scratching his bum etc. Dead boring and nothing to worry about. When he's elsewhere such as the party weekend you don't have that. Instead your insecure imagination cooks up an anxiety making scene of him languishing on gilded cushions being fed grapes by supermodels ... or similar.

OP, no helpful advice but much sympathy.

In reply to an earlier question, "why would you go for a long distance relationship if you are really only comfortable when you're with your partner?"

The problem is that if you have social anxiety you hardly know anyone and struggle with meeting people and making relationships, so if you give someone the boot, the chances of your finding someone else are much smaller than those of people who don't have that problem.

Also if you feel you can't cope on your own you're more likely to hang on regardless of flaws in the relationship. If you don't have anyone else, then your DP becomes more or less literally your world.

As for admitting to being so inadequate at dealing with other people, that's humiliating... if you could talk to to other people about it then you wouldn't have the problem in the first place.

It makes you even more vulnerable, and totally emotionally dependent on your DP. It's all one big vicious circle.

I have a lot of questions....

If you 'never cared' when your ex partner was out and about, is there something specific about your new partner's behaviour or attitude that is causing you anxiety? Does it feel one-sided? Do you think you didn't care about your ex partner being out and about because you didn't love them all that much? Were they a more boring (less well-rounded?) person that you don't think others would find attractive? ... and therefore you felt more secure?

Was there any overlap between you finishing with your ex and hooking up with the new guy? And given that you are so far apart and have such separate lives, how did you meet in the first place?