Worrying about children's father

[Thaigal]

My son's (5 and 7) see their father every other weekend from the saturday to the sunday (I have a post similar to this already but this is another worry).

He lives with his girlfriend and her 2 children who are 9 and 14 years old, they all seem to get on well.

What bugs me however is that it has become apparant that their dad doesnt really bother with my boys whilst they're there, he sits in the other room watching tv whilst the older kids look after them.

I have learnt also that a few weeks ago my youngest son was told to share a seatbelt with her eldest son (the 14 year old), I was fuming.

My boys are not allowed to have a bath or shower whilst they're there as apparantly the water comes out too hot . He also will not buy them a tooth brush for their house and had the cheek to tell me that I needed to buy them one for their house .

He never combs their hair for them on a sunday morning and my youngest son has long, thin hair which needs to be combed but they're just left not bothered with. They also always come home caked in mud from the park, all over their jeans and my eldest son once had a brand new pair of trainers on (this was litrally the first time they'd been worn) and they came home black, their dad doesn't even attempt to clean them before bringing them home so with messy hair, filthy clothes and unbrushed teeth you can imagine the state they come home in. Yet her kids are always immaculate.

Add this together with the fact that he's just bought a new sports car which doesnt fit child seats in it really seems like he couldnt give a shit about his own kids anymore, he's never even phoned them just to chat, he has them when he has to and that's it.

Am I being too stroppy over it? He doesnt seem to see a problem and neither does she.

I wouldn't let them go again. Gut reaction.

Have you talked to him about your concerns? Is there a legal agreement in place? Does he have parental responsibility?

Big question here ....

Are your boys happy when they go to their father, and are they generally safe?

I know it's annoying to you that they get filthy, don't comb their hair etc, but most boys of that age will be quite happy with it.

I agree that the seatbelt thing is WRONG and would tell your ex that it is TOTALLY unacceptable (and in fact illegal).

But if the main problem is mud and grooming, then it would seem harsh to stop the children having a relationship with their father over it, if they are otherwise happy.

agree with clumsymum.

i know its annoying for you but if they enjoy their time their then it wuld be wrong to stop them.

if your right about their dad not really careing for them,they will discover this themselves as they grow older.

i have never known a child be angry with its mum because she didnt stop their relationship with their dad, but plenty who are angry becasue they didnt get the chance to know their father.

I was cross about the car seat belt incident and also about the fact the dad seems to favour his girlfriends children over his own and doesn't spend any time with them.

I agree strongly with clumsymum.
Thaigal should voice her concerns but ultimately the boys would miss out more by not having contact with Dad. Things would need to be a lot lot worse to warrent a permanent withdrawel of contact especialy if no discussion had occurred.

It's not the mud etc that worries me, it's the general lack of bothering with them from their hair to their teeth...I know it is minor compared to other stuff and I wouldn't dream of stopping contact over it.

The car thing bothers me though, why buy a car that he knows will be unsuitable for his own kids? and am I right to refuse to do all the chasing around picking them up and dropping them off every fortnight? should he be forced to take responsibilty for the travelling?

i would definatly ask hi to collect and drop the children off. it is him that wants to see the children so it should be him that is put out by it (iykwim)

the car thing may be because his new partner has a family car?

im not trying to excuse his behaviuor, it is wrong and he is out of order/ but i just think that its easier not to rock the boat. your kids will be old enough to do their own washing/teeth cleaning/ hair brushing soon enough.

i would challenge him about thehot water though, surely he can run a bath and just add more cold water? it must be workable for his girflreinds two children?
either way you need to have a chat with him, away from your children and with as little shouting as possible.

Thaigal

Whether you do all the transport for your sons is up to you. If you want them to know their father, then perhaps you'll have to do it.

And you haven't answered my question about they are happy with their father. If the answer is 'yes', then if you stop them seeing him (even if it is becos he has an unsuitable car) then the kids will blame you. Presumably he has access to his girlfriends car for their family outings, can he use that to collect your boys?

Remember too that your boys know that you and ex see things differently. What they tell you about their activities over the weekend may not be 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth', for loads of reasons including they can't be bothered, they don't want to upset you by letting you think they have more fun than with you (yes, 7 y.o.s do think that much), or they know you wouldn't approve, so it's better you don't know.

PLEASE don't let this become a battle over access. I always think that really is rotten to the kids involved, where ex partners still want to get at each other, and use trumped up arguments about lack of care to start an access row.

Calm down, look at it from your boys' perspective, and think.

I don't want to get at him at all though, apart from this I have nothing against him or his gilfriend (she actually bothers with them more than he does!) and the lack of hygiene I can sort of ignore but the seat belt thing is actually putting their lives in danger and he knows how sensitive I am about this since my sons 6 year old friend was killed in a car crash . Also I really do begrudge doing all the travelling, especially since I no longer have a car...I refuse to mess around getting 2 buses loaded up with bags and pillows (since they insist that they bring their own for some mad reason) when he could help out and take his responsibilities seriously like the rest of us have to.

The new sports car is their new family car btw, since her kids are older its perfect for the 4 of them, again his own kids never got thought of.

To answer your question, yes they do enjoy their visits, for some reason they think the sun shines out of his arse.

Then that's part of your answer. Of course the boys must see their father.

O.K. you don't have a car, so in that case he needs to collect them. and surely you don't have to take pillows and sleeping bags every time they go (from your post, it seemzs your boys are insisting on this. Get a grip, tell the boys that it is ridiculous. If necessary buy (or get ex to buy) bags and pillows which live permanently at Dads house.

Rather than discussing this in front of the boys, can you get ex to come over AFTER bedtime one night.

Do you talk to his girlfriend? Maybe you can ring when your ex is out (pretend you wanted to talk to him), and chattily tell her how much the boys like being with her kids, casually drop out that they need bedding there, that two busses is an awkward journey for you etc, but do it NICELY. That puts you on the moral high-ground anyway, but it may just be that the girlfriend hasn't thought about it, but as a mother she'll appreciate your point of view.

Good luck.

It's not the boys that insist on taking their own pillows, its their dad! I havn't got a clue why, he did say he didn't have any spare but surely it's down to him to buy extra for his kids?

I don't really speak to her much and I'm not supposed to phone their house as she gets insanely jealous apparantly, she's ALOT older than me (over 20 years older!) and according to him she finds it threatning when I phone so I can't phone the house, he isnt allowed to speak to me for more than a few minutes and she makes sure he doesn't return texts (I only ever txt regarding the kids), I know this because his sister told me that a girl from work text him and his girlfriend sent a blunt, stroppy message back from his phone.

It's all a bit silly but my only concern is the kids and the ridiculous travelling arrangements.

Thaigal. I understand a lot of yr concerns.

My ex bought a stupid sports car which has only TWO seats. This means he has to borrow my car when he takes the kids. He never brushes kids hair or does any practical things like that. They never have baths or showers round at his. That woiuld be far too much effort for ex dh.

Most the time he has them they just sit in his flat watching DVDs and on the playstation. Homework is another area of conflict.

A lot of this you just have to let go, its more important the kids keep up contact (unless ex is violent or something). Re transport, could he not borrow his partner's car to do the pick up? Seatbelts obviously have to be used and you have every right to come down hard on that one.
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You just have to pick your battles, not easy I know.

At least he has them. My ex sees them for no more than 2 hours a week. Why live in a 5 bed deatched house bought with my money 5 minutes away and never have any of your children to stay. I suppose if they were decent men we'd never have divorced them.