Loss of confidence, loss of sex drive :(

[Hollyrose]

This is going to sound silly to some, it does to me. But since having my second child I have completely lost my confidence in myself, resulting in losing my sex drive. I have no desire to have sex. I feel like the sex that we have was very quick, predictable, not in the slightest exciting. But now I have completely lost all confidence in myself to try and spice it up. I have two children but am still relatively young. All my friends are having great adventurous sex and I am so envious!! But I won't let my husband near me as I feel disgusting. I know I need to work on myself before things are going to work in the bedroom but I don't know how? Any advice would be helpful!!

It doesn't sound silly at all. Your body has done a magical and wonderful thing in making your babies and you must try not to lose sight of that amazing power you have.

Now you need to reconnect with you as a woman not as an incubator/breast feeder etc.

Can you do something to boost your confidence in your body or mind? Lose some weight? Get a haircut? Get your nails done? Take a class to learn a new skill?

For me , just had first baby and 15kg overweight now, it will be losing weight and/or getting some clothes that fit me that will get me feeling more like me again.

It takes two to tango.... If sex was disappointing before, maybe there's something more fundamentally amiss in the relationship and it's not solely down to confidence? Is it just sex you're rejecting or all forms of intimacy and affection?

Have you spoken to your DH about this. I've had cycles of problems in the past and trusted my DH to talk to him about it. He's always been understanding and knowing I wanted to improve things and it wasn't all him was good for him to know too.

I've been able to speak to him. Sometimes he finds it hard to understand. I love him lots, but he was a very spoilt child so he struggles to see and understand other points of view. I have a few complications after birth this time that lasted for about 3 months, but all he could see was how tired and stressed he was. He is really good other times though, yesterday he went shopping and got me two new tops! I have weight to lose, but it's difficult when you are at home all the time. I have the "lonely" feeling that most new mums get. I'm due to go back to work in a month but really don't like the company that I'm going back to, but due to childcare I don't really have a choice. I feel like my life is trapped in "mum" mode, and at 26 I've lost myself, who I was, before being a mum and wife!

I'm worried that you seem to be taking the sole responsibility for your sex life on yourself and treating it as some kind of personal failing that you're not swinging from the chandeliers. When you say he's 'spoilt' and doesn't listen are you really saying that you're being put under pressure to have sex? When you said that sex was quick and predictable originally, does he take any personal responsibility for the quality of the lovemaking?

Good sex should be two people who want nothing more than to give each other pleasure. Not one partner expecting the other to do all the heavy lifting.....