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Original poster

XH moving out in few weeks - need advice re children please

23 replies

Goodbetterbest · 15/02/2015 11:58

(The MNer formally known as Suspiciousandsad)

Our marriage has been dead for four years (separate rooms, no affection). I finally called 'time' on it last October after he confessed to shagging elsewhere. We're in mediation and getting sorted. We told the kids at Xmas and have found him a flat nearby but he's still here as the purchase goes through.

It's very much business as usual (he has never made much of an impact or engaged in family life) but we are facing the prospect of the actual move.

I want to take the kids away for that weekend (we have a caravan so it won't be unusual) and come back when he's done most of his packing. My idea was he can move on the Monday when they are at school and then we'll take dinner round on Monday evening and eat together.

But XH has said 'what about me?' 'They kids have said they want to help me move' 'I don't want to do it on my own'. My natural reply is 'you can fuck off'.

I really don't want them here when he moves. He will be stressed, unpleasant and it will take him a LOT longer than he thinks. He has a LOT of shit dating back to the 1980s to move. I've already packed 13 boxes and have barely scratched the surface. He hasn't thought about boxes, booking a van or anything.

Can anyone give me any advice please? It's going to be upsetting enough for the children but he's only thinking about himself. (Kids are 7 - 13).

In practical terms it would be best if HE took the kids away and I moved him.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 15/02/2015 12:05

Have you asked the kids if they want to help him? I've done all this myself so lots of advice for you hopefully x

Handywoman · 15/02/2015 12:05

Oh jeez, you might be separating practically/financially but you still sound like you are appeasing him for an 'easier life'

Your gut reaction of 'fuck right off' was the right one, for all the reasons you outlined.

Go away with the kids that weekend. He can start standing on his own two feet and you can keep the kids away from his foul moods.

Win-win.

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 12:10

He can get the vast majority done and leave little things for them to help with on the Monday. They won't be much help at that age anyway and won't moan that they haven't find it all with him.

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 12:11

*find = done

AmyElliotDunne · 15/02/2015 12:22

They will be unable to carry anything but the smallest items and will need pointing in the right direction with anything they do manage to lift. They will be no practical help at all and it will be upsetting for them to have to be physically part of moving him out - it sounds like he is only thinking of himself, not them.

If he doesn't want to do it on his own he can ask a friend or adult relative to help. The kids can help to sort out their area (don't know if they'll have a room or maybe just sorting out some drawers with their stuff in) once he's in and settled, to make it feel like it's their home too.

Don't feel like you have to organise this for him, get vans booked etc. He's a grown up and is no longer your responsibility.

And I'm buggered if I'd be bringing him dinner round and eating with him either. Surely the idea of him moving out is that he has to get his big boy pants on and start looking after himself?

Original poster

Goodbetterbest · 15/02/2015 12:36

It's about getting him OUT. And making sure the kids are OK.

He has years ahead of him to work out how to compare contents insurance, get the boiler service, work out how to use the heating. I won't be doing anything for him.

But I do need him to go and I need the children to be ok with it and feel they have a place there.

He is a narcissist and I owe him nothing. But I still have to get maintenance signed off, pension sharing agreed etc. so short term compromises will reap long term gains.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goodbetterbest · 15/02/2015 12:46

Sorry, did that come across as a bit arsey? It wasn't meant to and I'm sorry if it did.

I appreciate you all taking the time.

I'm trying to play this well for both the kids and my sake. Everyone benefits if I help. Leave him to it and he'll fuck it up. I don't trust him to think things through like I will.

Do you think I should go away with the kids?

OP posts:

rosepetalsoup · 15/02/2015 13:25

One of my friends swears by paying a removal company extra to come and pack the boxes too. Said it was incredibly easy. Then he can simply spend the day in the pub and drop in to oversee things every now and then. Good luck - it sounds shit x Yes take the kids away

MelonBallersAreStrange · 15/02/2015 18:08

Do you need his permission to take the DC away in the caravan for the weekend?

pocketsaviour · 15/02/2015 18:27

It's a bit of a cleft stick because I'm thinking the oldest of your DC could probably be some practical help, and it may help the DC feel more involved and in control of what's happening, rather than coming back and it's all done.

However you know your DC best as well as your FW so if you feel it would be better for them to be away then go with your gut instinct.

Also consider: could you leave the oldest to help and take the younger one(s) away?

Vivacia · 15/02/2015 19:09

How about saying, "Yes, I can see it would help you, but how would it best for the children?"?

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 19:19

How about saying, "Yes, I can see it would help you, but how would it best for the children?"?

Genius

Vivacia · 15/02/2015 19:25

Well, with an additional 'be' in there.

hotcupofjoe · 15/02/2015 19:35

and it will be upsetting for them to have to be physically part of moving him out
I completely disagree that this is necessarily true in all cases. It can be hugely important for children to be involved in the process, from house viewings to choosing things for the new home and even on the day. Far from being upsetting, it can upbeat and exciting for them. I'm not commenting on the OP's case because I really know nothing about it, but if at all possible, it is better to include children and be positive about it all. It will, after all, be their new home too.

Original poster

Goodbetterbest · 15/02/2015 20:34

Thanks everyone, interesting points raised.

His flat is just round the corner and he says he doesn't envisage having them all there at he same time. It's a two bed and there are four children. To him it's for the odd sleep over, and not all together. The older ones won't go for it because they have their own rooms here. He sees this very much as the family home, and his flat as his pad. He is planning on having his mate to stay when he is working up here (which will leave nowhere for the kids, or if they do stay it will be amongst the lodgers things and he won't change the sheets).

But at least he "can have porn there". God he's a massive twat.

Anyway, I digress.

OP posts:

MelonBallersAreStrange · 15/02/2015 21:30

Surely, the biggest problem is that he can't fully move out this weekend based on what you have said.

Is he really so stupid that he doesn't know he will need a van, boxes and will have to do some packing? Really? Really? Or does he have no bloody intention of doing any of it?

Will he move out but leave loads of his shit behind then keep popping over at random moments to get more of it check up on you?

Is he hoping that in light of his total failure to actually pack and move out, the DC will beg you to let him stay? Or you'll feel sorry for him and let him stay?

Is he hoping that you will pay for a removal firm to pack and move it for him?

Is he hoping that you and the DC will do all the actual work for him?

Is there definitely a flat?

PennyJennyPie · 15/02/2015 21:49

Do you trust him to only take his own stuff and not yours?

cleanmyhouse · 15/02/2015 21:55

I'd be inclined to send him away with the kids for the weekend and pack it all up myself, just because I know it would get done properly.

I had an ex take what he needed and leave the rest just lying around the house, dirty pants on my bedroom floor and EVERYTHING. I packed it all up and told him to take it or I would dump it.

Original poster

Goodbetterbest · 15/02/2015 23:23

Yes, definitely a flat! He will definitely leave a mess. It will be half done and 'I'll take what I need for now and come back for the shit I have refused to throw away but which has been sat in boxes since we moved. And the 5000 VHS tapes".

OP posts:

Original poster

Goodbetterbest · 15/02/2015 23:25

I think I will leave him to it. Then pack up his crap and move it myself when he fails to do so.

It is still progress.

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 15/02/2015 23:33

Take the kids off while he deals with the majority, leave a token amount for them to help with. For that matter, let them do some token levels of helping in advance.

The divorce isnt about just you and him, afterall. They are living through this, and will be living through it the rest of their lives. Being slightly involved can be helpful to them understanding and accepting the situation. Even if the process of dad moving out is a bit crap due to his uselessness or their kid-ness, it's better than their memory being of one day he was there, the next he was gone.

Vivacia · 16/02/2015 07:37

In light of your most recent posts, I'd be tempted to do it all for him help him move. Get it done and get him out. Boxes of VHS tapes would drive me up the wall.
Then I'd get a decorator in.

PopularNamesInclude · 16/02/2015 07:51

How aboht this: hire a moving company. They can do it in a day. You can supervise. He can take the dc to the flat and do some decorating- which lots of dc like as it is creative and will help them to feel some ownership if dad's new home. And you will make sure that every last trace of his crap is out of your home, without actually doing it yourself.

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