He won't go to relate

[Tea1Sugar]

We need it. I'm having individual counselling but what can I do if he won't go?

Then use your counselling to build a sense of what you require in a relationship and what you won't accept. And live it, communicate it, and if he doesn't measure up, you get out and move on.

You need to establish what your relationship needs to be and if he isn't working towards the same and you don't think things will change then the relationship has run its course.

He doesn't need to go to relate to work on himself but if he's not working on himself then that's the issue.

It sort of depends why you think you need it. What is counselling helping you understand? What is going wrong?

He's emotionally abusive. But it's always my fault. I make him that way.

Er.... OK.

So he's telling you:

1. this is who I am (listen to this, OP)
2. I don't need to change

Sounds like a case of

1. stay and take more of the same

Or:

2. leave

Because you and the best therapist in the world, sure as hell cannot change him

If he's emotionally abusive DO NOT go to counselling with him.

You can't change him, you can only change yourself. You can either change into a doormat who is happy to live with an EA man or an empowered woman who will dump him.

Your call.

Why do you think he should go?

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse or bullying present. If he thinks he's completely justified in his abusive behaviour and all problems are your fault, what incentive does he have to change? Are you hoping a counsellor will set him straight, make him listen and tell him to treat you better?

Make the most of your counselling sessions and hope you find the courage to get rid of your abuser

No one makes an emotional abuser - they do it all themselves. You are just the person he takes it out on. If it wasn't you, it would be some other woman.

Take individual counselling and leave him. The fact he won't go to counselling and everything is your fault is grounds for anyone to leave anyone in my book.

You can't fix him, and it isn't your job to fix him.
Concentrate on finding some real friends and someone who will care for you. Even if you live alone for years trying to find a decent bloke, you will be happier than living with an abuser.

And abusers don't change.

Relate would not be recommended where there is abuse in the relationship. He would simply use what is said in the sessions against you.

I recommend that if he is unwilling to change his behaviour you continue with the individual sessions and work towards ending your relationship.

As everyone else has said, counselling is not recommended in an abusive relationship.