EA ex husband and the kids.

[Rhymerocket]

Around 6 years ago I left my emotionally abusive and controlling ex. He still maintains we were happy and accepts no responsibility for his behaviour. We had 2 children together who we share custody. They are 12 and 15.

Unfortunately he has and does bad mouth me to the children. In a subtle way but still. He twists every situation to make it negative and my fault. He could drive head on into a wall and still twist it to make it my fault.

Anyway now I'm in a position where my eldest has no respect for me. He doesn't even seem to like me. I spend my time running round after them both and doing all I can for them just to try to keep in their favour. All I get in return is a pleasant attitude. If I'm lucky. If I try to discipline them the older one becomes surly and difficult. And rude. He is about 6 inches taller than me and squared up to me last week when I tried to pull him about something.

It can't go on like this. Now if I don't give in to the older lad he becomes quite verbally abusive. His father tells them I don't love them and I just put up with them. (He does this in a subtle way) know this comes from his father as he repeats a lot of the phrases that he would use.

How can I start to claw back some of this respect.

I think you possibly need some sort of professional help to knock this on the head - not sure from who, though, sorry. It sounds like your child is repeating his father's behaviour to you? Which means that a) it was fantastic you left the fucker, but b) child's behaviour needs knocked on the head NOW as there is no option to leave your child IYSWIM.

Is there a pattern to the behaviour?

No. Not really a pattern. When we were married I was the main wage earner and if he couldn't have the things he wanted he froze me out until I gave in and got them. Would u believe that is my ex I'm talking about not my son.

Are your children aware of the true reasons you broke up? They would have only been young at the time so maybe they didn't fully understand. I ask because a friend was very scrupulous about not telling her DDs the reason she broke up with their father and the unfortunate outcome was that they cast her as the villain and absent Dad as some sort of latterday saint that she had 'driven away'. Made her life hell until they eventually found out the reality.

In the meantime, I suggest you don't run around trying to pander to their every whim. You don't have to be aggressive or confrontational but set the expectations higher, give them some responsibilities, and be consistent.

Thank you cogito I think consistency is key. I'm a bigger for starting off and then letting behaviour fall by wayside.

Initially I didn't say anything about the reasons as I didn't want to be seen as bad mouthing to the kids (said plenty to friends but out of the kids earshot) then four urs ago I met my new partner and we had a child.
I found out ex was telling my older two that is been with my partner all All along and that I was replacing them with my latest child.

At that point I told them exactly how it was. Oddly my 12 yr old agreed yes I remember that I know he's like that and her behaviour is a million times better. However the 15 yr old has his da on a pedestal and can see no wrong in him. He is treated as an adult in his fathers house and feels like a child when he comes to mine.

I feel very sorry for your 15 year old. He probably doesn't know which way is up. He's being emotionally abused by his dad and possibly feels he can't trust you because you've challenged the bullshit his dad has fed him.
I'd sit down with him and ask him how he's feeling and try to have a good chat about everything that's going on.
Aldo, at 15 he's too old to mummying and punishments. You need to be working towards a more adult-style relationship with him.