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Advice needed please

8 replies

moongirl82 · 14/02/2015 21:27

Hi, I don't know whether I'm permitted to post here as I don't have any children yet, but would like some honest advice please. My boyfriend and I are in our early thirties, we've been together nearly 2 1/2 years and lived together for just over a year. I think he's bisexual. Ive found 'tranny trap' porn on his tablet about a month ago. I wasn't able to confront him with it at the time, as I had to rush to hospital to be with my my dying grandmother. As a result, my anger at him and shock, together with my grief for my grandmother culminated in me shouting at him, throwing his clothes at him etc,. and generally telling him that it made me sick. We talked about it, i asked if he was gay? He swore that he wasn't, that he only looked at it because it was 'forbidden porn' and that turned him on. He tried to explain that he had looked at so much porn over the years (his last girlfriend broke up with him in 2007 and we got together in 2012; there was only one casual relationship with a female for him in that time), he's become 'de-sensitized' to it, i tried to explain what was wrong with that, in terms of looking for more and more extreme stuff and how becoming desensitized was actually worrying. He agreed with this and I've not found anymore 'tranny trap' porn, thus far. Last night he was trying to log into his emails regarding an ebay contact number he needed. He couldn't find it, so ive been looking for it, although he didn't ask me to. (I'd like to point out that i use his tablet and he allows me to do so). By accident i found an email from something called The Adult Hub; ive never heard of it, but it was a 'private message' from a male in his underwear - pic on the profile of the sender). Thinking the worst, i clicked the link and it took me to the account page. He has no 'friends' or private messages going on. The messages he's received in his inbox look like spam emails, inviting the account holder the upgrade their membership in order to read their messages. However, he joined the site a year before we started dating. His profile says 'he's bi curious, looking for bbws and couple with bi curious males for "outside fun". ' He puts his particular interest as 'dogging'. (Ewww hate that word). I'm not prudish. I don't mind him accessing porn which like red tube etc and anything mainstream I'm 'okay' with. Our sex life life is good and the sex, until recently, has been intimate and passionate. I don't know how to react? Part of me feels angry , part of me feels that my gut instinct has been right all along, as I've always wondered about his sexuality. Weirdly. He's not effeminate, doesn't work out in gums etc all the time. He has male mates, who are just mates - into blokey things like motocycles/cars/mechanics. He also gets on well with women and has a good mixture of people in his life. He's very sociable, outgoing and well liked. He doesn't seem to be 'struggling' with am issue is, i suppose, what I'm trying to say. I don't know how to approach this with him when he's back later? Do i confront? Do i leave it and wait for more evidence? I don't want to shout at him either, though. Could someone advise me? Really stuck.....?? Thanks in advance for any replies.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 14/02/2015 21:35

This would make me uncomfortable. Does he like ahem, anal with you? Don't answer me but if the answer is yes then I think I know what I would do.

I would end it.

Our gut instinct turns out to be right far too often.

He's been looking at something you can never give him. Don't be his cover story.

I think (and I'm certain others will disagree) you are either one way or the other.

If he is curious? What is he going to do about it? How will he satisfy his curiosity?

somewhatavoidant · 14/02/2015 21:41

Jeez moongirl, sorry for your troublesThanks I think if the situation makes you uncomfortable then you have your answer. Trust your gut.

moongirl82 · 14/02/2015 21:44

He does want anal, but i don't. I just feel really low, like he's fantasising about men when he's with me. I feel hurt and very stupid.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 14/02/2015 23:44

Don't most men love anal?

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 07:07

Since when did anal have anything to do with sexuality? Confused

Tbh I overstepped where I'd put the mark a while back and I'd be out of there.

Desensitised to porn so needs to seek more! What a joke.

cobaltblue27 · 15/02/2015 07:28

Hi moongirl, so sorry to hear what you're doing through. My husband also spent quite a lot of time on his own before he met me and developed a real problem with porn. He eventually confessed to me about it when I said I was breaking up with him as I didn't understand what was going wrong: he had become impotent, and wouldn't tell me what the matter was (he'd basically become so addicted that he had no energy to do it with me any more). He sought counselling and we put a software block on all our home computers, to which I only have the password. Things got better, and I do believe he is over the actual addiction now, but our sex life has never recovered (see sexless marriage thread I started last night). I would get out while you can. I love my husband, but our physical life is dead. Despite being what others say is an attractive and pretty woman, with a good figure, I have never felt so washed up and ugly. I know I will never live up to the extreme imagery he was watching online (like your boyfriend, my husband said he was watching increasingly intense porn as the plain vanilla stuff didn't touch him any more. I don't know in what direction the extreme imagery went - as in I don't know whether it was bi or not, but it could well have been), even if he doesn't watch it so much now. I can't leave my husband now, we have just had our first child, and I like the guy, but it is really really tough. Porn and the internet are horrendous. They destroy relationships. But don't feel alone, porn addictions are way more common than people realise and tragically, are becoming more common.

Fairylea · 15/02/2015 07:40

Being interested or enjoying anal has absolutely nothing to do with being gay or bisexual. Lots of gay men aren't remotely interested in it at all. There are lots of ways to pleasure another person male or female without anal! Can't get my head around that reply. Really odd!

Op I think it's clear that he is bisexual. No straight man would join a dating site or any site specifying they were bisexual or interested in men if they weren't.

The key is whether you are happy to live with this or not. Lots of people would be. Just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean they are going to be unfaithful to you.

For me the porn and deceit would be a deal breaker.

Rebecca2014 · 15/02/2015 07:55

Being blokey doesn't mean he is not interested in men sexually. All the proof is there, no straight man however long it may be, would be looking for gay sex. He told you he hasn't had much sex with women, has he with men though?

Personally I would not date a bisexual man but it's your choice.

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