Leaving the bastard

[isadorable]

I'm in need of some support. Last week dp said he didn't feel loved, didn't love me anymore and didn't know if he wanted to try again. I did love him but my response to that was to say it is over. I had no desire to beg and honestly saw straight away that I wanted out.

The problem is I'm not in UK and we have a three year old. We're all still under the same roof and at first I was OK with trying to make it as normal as possible for her until we get a legal agreement in place. Yesterday I saw I lawyer who told me this was the best way to handle things. Also told me I'm going to have to contribute to his costs for seeing his daughter as I'm planning to go home. I earn more than him and if I stay, I'll have to pay him child support. I need to keep things cordial but I just burst into hysterical tears cos I hate him and I want to punch him. I think honestly I'm just exhausted. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Anyone? I said i wanted to punch him but I really wouldn't - I've never hit anyone in my life. I'm just so unhappy and so tired. It was just a figure of speech.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, I don't have any advice but I know someone will be along soon who can offer some

Sorry things have ended badly. It's normal to go through the full range of emotions and, in a way, it's good that you feel angry. Anger and indignation tends to be more energising than self pity. It's going to feel horrible for quite some time, unfortunately, and you'll need to draw on the strength of friends and family to get you through on a day to day basis. If you can't get to be with loved ones just yet, can they come and stay with you?

Thanks for your replies. I had a good sleep and feel calmer. Cogito - that's a very good idea about having people to stay. Sadly my dad's dying of cancer and my mum is his carer so they can't come but I might see if my brother and/or some friends can come and support me.

I just can't stand the idea of how long this could drag on. I want the best for my daughter. I do want her to have contact with him. I even talked him round when he said he was going to leave as she always wanted me and didn't love him enough (!). I don't think he has any idea how much this has hurt her. What a mess.

Hi isadorable.
I too have just called it a day on a relationship that is just getting worse and worse. After 20 years you could say I've finally seen the light.
I live in France with my 3 kids, we separated 4 years ago, I live on my own with the children, in that time we have been trying to sort things out but its been very up and down. I fell pregnant, I don't regret having the baby, but was silly to let it happen in a relationship so unstable.
All the time he promised he would change, but just never has. He used to isolate me from my friends and family. Only in the 4 years have we been visiting family because he can't stop me taking them on holiday.
I've not been happy here for some time and desperately miss my family. I have no one here for support.
He does exactly what he wants and see the kids when it's convenient for him.
I want to return to the UK with the children. I know I have a better chance at finding work back home and feel we would be happier there.
My Son is always saying he misses everyone and would like to live in England forever. It kills me to hear this.
I have been in touch with a French Solicitor and applied for legal aid, until then I can't get any advice.
My ex has cut all ties with his family. He owns two properties here and one we bought together 2 years ago, but he is paying for the renovations and mortgage. This place was supposed to be our new family home, bearing in mind he has not completed the other 2 yet.
I have completely lost faith in this man.
My story is very complicated and there's a lot I could go on about.
The thing is I just to get away from this horrible controlling man and start again before my life starts coming to an end.
If any one has any success stories of familys given the right to return home would really give me a boost, it's hard to stay positive.
Thanks for listening x

Goofy - can I pm you?

Yeah course.

My little girl got up at 4am having spent the day with ex and his dad and started hitting me and telling me it was all my fault, I'd been naughty and she was going to tell everybody. I'm heartbroken to see her like this; Clearly they'd been talking about things in front of her. What can I say?

Hello isadorable I'm going through same thing at moment still in the house I have three kids,the house in he's name not mine,but he turned around and said I'm taking redundancy and that I'd have to pay maintenance I seen you made comment on this is that true?

I'm sorry your little girl is upset. I think you have to tell her that hitting you is not acceptable but, at the same time, acknowledge that she's unhappy. Do try to stress all the things that will stay the same in her life because she'll be feeling worried about change.

As regards your STBX, I think you need to tell him that she's very upset and get his commitment that, whatever goes on between you and however unhappy he may be, he will put her wellbeing first and not add to her distress with badmouthing. You can't demand someone acts like a decent human being, but you can fire a warning shot.

Sorry, thread hijack

Goofy - I don't know where you are and how good your French is but the first thing to do is go and get some legal advice, get advised about a good lawyer. I saw 4 before I found the right one. Divorces in France can be very cheap - mine cost 1200€. BUT and it is a big but, you will have to get divorced in France unless you have been resident in the UK for a minimum of the last 6 months.

2nd point is if you want it to be quick it needs to be divorce à l'amiable - which can take a couple of months depending where you are and how long the court waits are there. If you can do it à l'amiable do. The alternative is years long and crap.

Divore à l'amiable - you share one lawyer and you negotiate everything through him, and I mean everything down to the smallest detail. Who gets what, financial settlement and most especially what the children get.

Legal minimum for the non-resident parent is EOW and half the holidays, alternating first/second half every year. If you have an alternative custody arrangement to this, you will need to negotiate this too, and you will have to be reasonable about contact, who is going to travel to France/UK etc. As the party moving it will probably have to be you, unless he agrees to do 50/50. The non-resident parent does not have to have the kids, but you have to make them available to him.

The advantage to this system is that you go to the court with everything already defined and the judge rubber stamps it. Total court time for us 6 minutes.

Sorry for the hijack and feel free to PM me if necessary.