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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Come calm me down

20 replies

Allbymyselfagain · 14/02/2015 18:36

Right so ive had a shit day. Been seeing a guy for a few months. Nice enough but my hearts not really in it and ive been feeling a bit shit as he tells me he loves me all the time and inside im freaking out that it's too soon and I don't feel the same way back.

He's away with work at the moment (been away about a month) and we've been whatsapping. He has been on at me all week not to go out today but not telling me why so I assume flowers are on there way.he emails at 5 to say sorry he had ordered flowers but sent them to the wrong address so can I go check, phone company etc.

Ok I'm a bit pissed at having to run around to get these flowers esp as I don't really like Valentine's Day (think it's over commercialised, enforced romance etc, everyone has their own opinion, some love it, I don't) and I'd told him that.

So I can't get them, think they've been sent back and before I can email to say thank you but tell him what's happened he sends me an email saying "sorry I fucked it up again im so fucking thick, sorry"

Now this is where ive lost it, I hate people putting themselves down, I used to do it too myself a lot and it took a lot to stop myself and become more happy in myself. He knows this too, I constantly tell him not to say such horrible things, im at the end of my tether with it.

What do I do? I want to dump him but he's 100s of miles away. I can't put a happy smile on and be nice to him when he keeps being horrible to himself, equally I can't be with someone who might draw me back into that pattern.

God this is really long sorry, but what's for the best, dump now by text or wait a few weeks, pretending everything is ok and dump him when he gets back?

OP posts:

badbaldingballerina123 · 14/02/2015 18:38

I can't stand self debasing remarks like that . I'd do it now.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/02/2015 18:39

I'd probably text back. No worries, have a good night, etc.

Then tomorrow, go for it. Do the usual, "its not him, its you, he needs someone who'll appreciate him for the lovely fella he is etc, but its over."

DrownedReindeer · 14/02/2015 18:39

Maybe he tried to do something nice but it did't work out and he really IS very, very sorry...?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/02/2015 18:40

Its not about the flowers though. She doesn't like him enough.

And that's cool.

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 18:41

You've only been seeing him a few months and he's been away for one of them. You don't owe him anything, just tell him 'Sorry this isn't working for me. Best to leave things. Best wishes for the future.'

pictish · 14/02/2015 18:42

I would end it asap. You're not into him, and really it is quite clear that he isn't going to become any more appealing to you over time.

Brandnewattitude · 14/02/2015 18:43

Yes do it tomorrow. Not quite as mean as ending it on Valentine's Day over the mistake with the flowers.

Your heart is really not in it so don't feel guilty. You are doing him a favour.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 18:43

Agree with all the above. The longer you drag it out trying to spare his feelings, the worse it'll be when you let him go. So don't waste time. A kind 'it's not working for me' or similar and get this monkey off your back...

LIZS · 14/02/2015 18:46

He didn't pay attention enough to check the address, you are frustrated at having your expectations dashed. If you've only been seeing him for a short while of which he's been away a month, cut your losses now.

Original poster

Allbymyselfagain · 14/02/2015 19:45

Thank you ladies this is why I love mumsnet. I feel so shit cause he is a lovely bloke and all he wants to do is settle down, get married and have kids. And that's all I want, just can't see it happening with him. He'll be one of these perfect husbands for someone but the constant self critisim turns me cold. I'll do it by text as soon as ive built up the confidence to do so.

OP posts:

velvetspoon · 14/02/2015 19:52

You should have ended it before he wasted his money buying you a present that even if you'd received it (and mistakes happen,not everyone always gets addresses right etc!) you were never going to be grateful for.

I never understand people who let relationships drag on when they clearly couldn't care less about the other person...as though suddenly they're going to develop feelings for them (which lets be honest never happens). Fairer to end it before it gets past a couple of dates.

Original poster

Allbymyselfagain · 14/02/2015 20:35

Erm thanks velvet, just a fyi I didn't ask him to buy me anything and I was grateful for the attempt at flowers! It was the final comment putting himself down that has unleashed all this.

I guess you've never made a mistake before hoping something could happen with someone you can see is a great guy. Or actually any mistake at all.

OP posts:

NorksAreMessy · 14/02/2015 20:57

Velvet, just explain HOW that is supportive?

springydaffs · 14/02/2015 21:49

Poor guy, its obvious he is getting on your tits as each second ticks by. Have mercy and let him go. And apologise for being a bit of a horrible cow re he's doing nice stuff for you and you complain practically at every turn.

Original poster

Allbymyselfagain · 14/02/2015 22:32

I haven't actually complained to him at all!? I just hate that he puts himself down. I am going to split up with him because there's no spark there (as much as I would love there to be one)

OP posts:

springydaffs · 14/02/2015 23:39

You complained you don't like valentine stuff - when he had clearly gone to a great deal of trouble for you - you complained you had to schlepp about looking for said flowers - you complained about his self talk. You have complained a LOT. Mainly your gripe is he's a human being (you seem to have forgotten that btw) whom you happen not to fancy. Stop griping and sniping at him and set him free.

Mom2K · 15/02/2015 01:55

Springy maybe you should learn to read posts properly before getting all judgemental. The only person sounding like a cow at the moment is you.

She has not complained at her b/f at all. She is telling us what she feels the incompatibilities are so that we can help with advice.

You haven't said anything helpful.

Sincap · 15/02/2015 08:24

I'm sorry for your situation... I felt the same way as the guy was only asking for intimacy and it was from the first date. I couldn't believe that someone wouldn't even be interested in learning more about the person he would like to build a relationship, just talk about intimacy...

And I did drag it myself as I hoped it will work out. But the spark in my eyes had gone after first few dates, just due to his desperation for sex. Not with me but anyone actually.

The last thing I remember I offered him some dates he then again asked me for intimacy which was the last thing I wanted to hear that day. He moved on and is happy.
I thought I didn't appreciate what he wanted to offer but I wouldn't be able to live with a man who is emotionless (or it seemed that way)... and only after physical intimacy... That's why he moved on very quickly.

I don't know if it was right or wrong but I don't have that heaviness anymore... Although I feel sad a lot.

Do what your heart says, ant don't bit yourself up for that, x

pictish · 15/02/2015 09:03

springydaffs for God's sake the OP hasn't done anything wrong! Where is the rancour coming from?

She told her bf not to bother with Valentine's Day because she's not interested in it. Despite that, sent flowers to the wrong address, and it caused her some aggravation, chasing up a gift she had made a point of telling him she didn't want.
Rather than offer up a simple sorry-about-that, he brought another dimension and more gravity to the proceedings when he decided to make it about his own self pity. Saying what he did about being fucking thick invites the OP to reassure him, soothe him, stroke his hair and make HIM feel better about the hassle SHE had!

People who put themselves down with regularity are needy people. OP knows she hasn't got the strength of feeling for him to take it on. This incident with the flowers, trivial though it is, has solidified matters in her mind, where she was swithering before.

I think her instincts serve her well. I have no idea why you are cross with the OP.

MorrisZapp · 15/02/2015 09:09

Get him dumped. You'll be amazed how well he takes it and how soon he meets somebody else or gets back with his ex, if my experience is anything to go by.

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