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Relationships

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Original poster

Hand holding or no? Who gives way?

25 replies

LittleMissRayofHope · 14/02/2015 13:34

So, here's the scene:

You like hand holding.
Your partner doesn't.

How do you resolve this 'conflict' between you.
Should you be forced to forego this important intimate part of your relationship or should your partner be forced to endure something they don't want to?

OP posts:

pictish · 14/02/2015 13:36

I don't like hand holding. I never have. I find it hot and restrictive and awkward. I like my hands free.
We will sometimes hold hands for a short period but it's really for a wee laugh.
I dunno...sorry.

Quitelikely · 14/02/2015 13:36

Is it both public and private hand holding he doesn't like?

InfinitySeven · 14/02/2015 13:37

I don't think you can force someone to do something they don't want too. I also think it'd be forgotten quickly, if they did agree.

It's probably an incompatibility, if it's really important to one person.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 13:45

I'd find a new partner... Someone who doesn't like to hold hands probably has repressive tendencies, intimacy issues and wouldn't be compatible with me.

Original poster

LittleMissRayofHope · 14/02/2015 13:46

I was never bothered about public handholding and STBXH wasn't either. We used to be more intimate and affectionate in private.

This is a friend who is having issues and this is rather a large one for them.
She likes it, publicly and privately. He doesn't. Even in private.
She feels he should make the effort for her sometimes and on other occasions she won't try to hold his hand. So something of a middle ground but he firmly refuses saying that as he dislikes it it is something she should just 'give up'.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 14/02/2015 14:15

What is his reasoning for not liking it?

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Each to their own.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 14:21

What would bother me about the situation you've just described is that not only are they incompatible but he's also not prepared to compromise. If he's this intransigent about something that is relatively trivial, what happens when they disagree about something more serious? Is it always going to be that 'I dislike X therefore you no longer get to enjoy it'? ....

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 14/02/2015 14:24

But why should he be the one to compromise Cog? If he genuinely doesn't like it, why should he be forced to do something he doesn't enjoy?

I don't really think I would let this bother me. However whenever we walk anywhere in public I'm pushing a pram and DH is walking to dog so maybe that colours my view!

Quitelikely · 14/02/2015 14:30

She could sit with an arm around him? Legs on him etc

If he likes all other touching but just not hands then I think it's not too bad.

I hate it when my dc touch my face with their hands. It just grates on me!

Not when they were newborns though.........

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 14:30

Because good relationships are a fine balance of compatibility & compromise. If you can't find a compromise position all you've got is one happy partner and one unhappy partner. If there are a few too many of these non-negotiables or if it's particularly important to one partner and their wishes are being ignored then you can add resentment to the unhappiness.

I would bet my hat that this isn't the only issue in the relationship

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 14/02/2015 14:32

I agree that it sounds like there must be more issues than this one.

Joysmum · 14/02/2015 15:39

But why should he be the one to compromise Cog? If he genuinely doesn't like it, why should he be forced to do something he doesn't enjoy?

But he wouldn't be the only one to, she'd have less contact then she'd like and they'd meet in the middle.

I wonder how he is for hugging and kissing or whether the only contact he wants is when they have sex?

I'm a tactile person and so is DH. I couldn't manage without.

Chaseface · 14/02/2015 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 15:57

If it is an issue (not soluble by any compromise or finding a new relationship!), then the answer to your question is that that the person who likes handholding has to compromise.

This is because the choice is between a normal status quo (people are not physically joined hand holding; not holding hands is the normal state) and asking the person opposed to take active steps to do something they don't like.

In that situation, the lesser of two evils is to not force someone to do something positive, to take action if you will to do something that they don't like.

She has to compromise as this is the fairest solution. If she doesn't like it, she should find a new relationship.

squizita · 14/02/2015 16:08

I'm imagining if this were reversed people would remind of the golden rule of body autonomy.

Not enjoying holding hands does not mean someone is repressed or cold. There are many ways to show affection - it's just one which happens to be big in UK culture.
There are a myriad of reasons (cultural, sensory and even physical) why a perfectly emotionally open person might just not be that into holding hands.

SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 16:22

That's true squizita. My friend's father says hand holding is a sign of insecurity and when we were younger he would take the mickey out of her bfs if they were all hand holdy in front of him. The father's view is that public hand holding is about showing the world you have claimed your partner and a "hands off" gesture. So he equates it with insecurity in your relationship. He is a very demonstrative affectionate Italian type so it definitely isn't that he his cold.

Not saying I agree. Just saying that there are different points of view and that it isn't necessarily about repression.

Joysmum · 14/02/2015 16:27

It may not be repression but compromise on both sides is needed. Not holding hands isn't compromise on both sides.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 16:35

eh ?

Bodily autonomy should always trump everything else

I don't do hand holding, nor cuddling to sleep nor having someone constantly touching me

I think it proves fuck all about how much you care about someone. The boyfriend that treated me the worst I have ever been treated was a tactile fucker and very keen on PDAs

I am certainly not repressed nor do I have issues with intimacy. I am physically reserved out of the bedroom and like my own space. That is all.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 16:38

and why would anyone want to force someone to do something they simply don't enjoy

slippery slope, that one

the notion of "who is giving way" is a problematic one

if it's so important to you, find someone else who likes ultimately empty gestures like hand holding

SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 17:20

compromise on both sides is needed. Not holding hands isn't compromise on both sides

Compromise is the gold standard but that wasn't the OPs question.

The question is "if there is no compromise, who gives way" and I agree with those who say bodily autonomy triumphs.

As does asking someone to do accept the status quo as against forcing someone to take positive action that they don't want to take.

It maybe that they aren't compatible if it is SUCH a big deal to the OPs friend. Personally, I don't get it but that's just me as I'm not a big hand holder and could live without holding someone's hand ever - whether in private or public. I don't like in public because it always seems a bit fay to me - viz David Cameron and Samantha Cameron ALWAYS holding hands. You are a grown man, give over.

In terms of principle, it is absolutely no different from a post saying "I hate anal sex and will not do it. My DH insists on anal sex. Who gives way?"

SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 17:26

"Should you be forced to forego this important intimate part of your relationship"

Also this ^ illustrates the differences in an approach. Personally, I think to describe holding hands as "an important intimate part of your relationship" as something that is being "foregone" like the loss of a limb or a chance of happiness is insane. If a man spoke to me like that about hand holding, he wouldn't be for me. I would think him a wimpy fool.

That doesn't make me right or wrong. There is no right or wrong here. It's just personal taste.

That's at the crux of this - it's about two people with different needs. If it is SO important to Person A and Person B says "no dice" then person A needs to move on to Person C.

Original poster

LittleMissRayofHope · 14/02/2015 17:33

This was partly the point of asking.
They do have much deeper issues then this but it is one that particularly upsets my friend. She just enjoys the contact and hand holding. He says it makes him feel restrained and more captive then tender loving contact.

It was the fact that he flatly States she has to like or lump his opinion on it. He will not budge. Says it would be more 'false' of him to try holding hands then it would be of her to not hold hands.
I vaguely see that logic but found it a difficult one to give advice on not that I should be giving advice as I split from h last week and am not especially husband friendly right now

Thanks again MN. Love he variety of opinions on here!

OP posts:

SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 17:52

It was the fact that he flatly States she has to like or lump his opinion on it

I agree with him I'm afraid if that's how he feels about hand holding.

If the rest of the relationship is fine, I'd really question why this is SUCH a big deal to her. It's a bit weird for her to make it such a big issue if he can't stand it, doesn't want to do it but is otherwise kind affectionate and loving. It tends to suggest she's got a bit of an over invested emotional overlay about hand holding.

On the other hand, if the rest of the relationship is not fine, then it may be SUCH a big deal to her because she's subconsciously seeing it as emblematic of bigger problems.

Either way, I don't think there is room for compromise here. She has to lump it (if the relationship is fine otherwise, she may choose to) or get out.

SelfLoathing · 14/02/2015 17:55

To put this into perspective, imagine saying this:

"My boyfriend was perfect for me - we got on well, we had lots of interests in common, the sex was great, he is kind and I know he loved me but - meh - I dumped him because he wouldn't hold my hand"

squizita · 14/02/2015 18:26

Sekfloathing I had a weird, stalky, cut-my-short-skirts-up ex who loved holding hands with his always petite, 10 year younger girlfriends so am inclined to agree with your dad! He was a wrong un holding hands for the wrong reason.

I have mild sensory issues and don't like things touching my foot soles or hand palms. Not emotional but a reason why I'd rather have an arm round me than a hand hold.

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