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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I have any rights to prevent STBXH coming into the family home whenever he likes?

13 replies

Mylifepart2 · 14/02/2015 12:39

We separated 6 weeks ago. He moved out to his Mum's. I allowed v generous access - he comes 4 evenings a week for an hour and half - and then is here 12-6 on sunday - whilst I make myself scarce. Kids can't go to MILs (alcoholic). We have not done anything legally yet - but he is constantly pushing the boundaries on what we agreed. This morning I popped out with younger child and returned to him in the kitchen whipping up pancakes for the older children (teens). We own the house jointly. Do I just have to tolerate this until the house is sold? Or can I instigate/enforce some sort of official access schedule? No idea where to start, how long it would take and how much it would cost.

OP posts:

something2say · 14/02/2015 12:43

It's difficult if he part owns it.
When he moved out, was it a formal sort of thing, because that is your best bet. Ie he lives elsewhere, he has no need to come and go in your home as he pleases.
But I believe it is a sticky point if he co owns the property....

kittensinmydinner · 14/02/2015 12:45

I am afraid you do, unless there is Dv, in which case you could apply to the courts for an occupation order. Otherwise he has as much right to be in his home as you do. Not a very pleasant situation but it is fair, in that , that right also applies to you. This protects married spouses by making the home jointly owned whoever pays the mortgage and is especially important if one of your has been a stay at home parent.

kittensinmydinner · 14/02/2015 12:47

I am assuming from your title that he is your husband, not your partner. If it's the latter than it depends who's name is on the deeds/mortgagee. X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 13:09

I don't think you can enforce something in a legal manner as he is a co-owner and there is no risk or danger attached to his presence. However, you can tell him to respect your privacy and not simply turned up unannounced. You can go further than that and I would suggest that you propose something new for the contact. If he's bobbing in and out of your home on an almost daily basis it's confusing for the DCs and uncomfortable for you. If his home isn't suitable he'll just have to go somewhere else with them.

AgentProvocateur · 14/02/2015 13:11

But it's not the OP's home. It's THEIR home and he has as much right to be in it as she does.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 13:17

They've separated, he's moved out and whilst it maybe his 'house' it is not his 'home' any more. Legal rights are one thing but they have to be set against consideration for feelings and respect for privacy. It's difficult enough to move on from a break-up without the ex hanging around like Banquo's ghost.

antimatter · 14/02/2015 13:28

My ex used to turn up like that. I asked him to text me to warn me. Not that I am doing anything but I want to know.

CitySnicker · 14/02/2015 13:35

What would he say if you asked him nicely not to?

Original poster

Mylifepart2 · 14/02/2015 15:18

I have asked him nicely - he just ignores what I say and does what he wants....that was the story of our marriage and why I am divorcing him. Looks like I have to suck it up and expedite the house sale and divorce to manage this.

OP posts:

Littlef00t · 14/02/2015 18:40

I'm sur I read somewhere that if he moves out properly for a certain amount of time, although he is allowed back whenever he likes, he has to give you fair notice. Can't remember where I read it unfortunately.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 18:48

Then you need to get some legal advice fairly quickly and start formalising the details of the separation, preferably in writing. Playing it by ear, trying to be generous, making allowances etc is not getting you anywhere. You may not be able to demand keys back but do consider installing some extra security measures now that you are a woman on your own.....

Original poster

Mylifepart2 · 14/02/2015 19:30

Thx all. I appreciate that it is both of our asset - but I think it rings a bell that if he moved out there are consequences - that is what every woman is being advised here. Will get legal advice and get it formalised - yes I am giving too much and he is still taking advantage so I need to get official.

OP posts:

sleeponeday · 15/02/2015 00:45

I think the consequences of moving out are that it's harder to claim you need to remain in the family home to avoid disrupting the kids if you have moved out and disrupted them already, if that makes sense? So it reduces the chances of a primary carer retaining the home as their own while all the kids are minors. I don't think you can exclude someone who is not abusive from a home they jointly own, legally, unless that is either court ordered, or agreed to. Not a lawyer, but that is my understanding of the legal situation, given he's deaf to any moral persuasion.

I'd expedite the divorce, tbh. If he can't even abide by that request to give you space when presumably he wants a reconciliation then he'll never change. And if neither of you do want one, why delay formalising that and moving on? You can exclude him from a house he has no right to occupy, which divorce will achieve.

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