Leaving after almost 25 years? How do I tell the kids?

[adventuremom]

My husband told me he was leaving after Christmas ( although he is still here but looking for an apartment). We have school age children, some in their teens but also pre-teens. He has threatened to leave for the past few years, tried counselling but quit when he felt the counsellor was having a go at him more than me. BTW according to him all the problems in the marriage/kids are caused by me and my controlling ways. Don't ask me if it is is true as I am so confused I couldn't tell you. I can tell you I made an honest effort to change, to listen and to improve things with him and it just never seemed enough. I just never knew when things would o sour. Some days I dreaded walking in the door as I didn't know if he would be yelling at the kids or mad at me or laughing and having fun with them. It has been crazy and not in a good way.

I have accepted this is the way it is and he is going. I am sad but also relieved. I make good money and can support myself and the kids. My ego is hit as I keep thinking, here we go another middle aged divorced lady. I am pretty quiet so I don't have a lot of friends although people consider me very nice. God, I sound so boring.

Anyway, my only real concern is telling the kids. I haven't as I don't know when he is going and we should do it together I guess. It will be awful. They will be devastated. Part of the reason I stayed and put up with this life was to avoid doing this to the kids.

The only weird thing is he continues to control the finances although I am " consulted" after the budget is made for the pay cycle. He made a budget up to the fall. I am itching to delink the finances and finally make my own decisions again and not have to account for every penny I spend.

Anyway, this is rambling mess but if anyone has advice on how I can help my kids through this, I could use it.

I'd be astonished if your children didn't already know what was on the cards. If he's such an erratic (and what sounds like bullying) character, it could even be that they can't wait for him to go.

I suggest this is not something you address together because I think he's the one exerting a lot of control and I don't think he should be allowed to dictate terms or dominate the conversation. I think you should talk to your older children first, let them know what's going on, let them ask the questions and then get their help in communicating to the younger children in due course. Be conscious of what will change and what will stay the same for them. Stress the latter.

BTW... don't be surprised if you find you've been traded in for someone more obedient..

Well, it won't be surprise to the DC will it? I mean you obviously have a bad marriage and they'll have noticed the atmosphere.

Wiser people than me will come up with actual words to say.

I'd tell a simple version of the truth along the lines of you and Daddy are not happy being married to each other, Daddy decided he should move out and you have agreed this is best and he still loves them and they will still see him a lot (but leave the detail of that to him to discuss with them).

Yes, decouple finances asap.

Have you taken legal advice incidentally? That bit about the finances sounds all wrong. You earn a decent amount but he sets the budgets and passes it down?.... Even if you can support yourself and the DCs single-handed, he is still responsible for them. Would start separating your finances - especially your personal account into which your salary is paid - immediately.

Thanks for this, funny how you picked up on the bullying. Your right, they likely know something is off. I just want them to be ok. Also your right if we tell them together he won't approve of how I explain it likely. Whew, I feel so stupid to have let this happen.

Yes, I did talk to a lawyer a few years ago when he threatened to leave and seek joint custody which I was told he would get. He also said he could force the house sale and I would have to go back to work full-time.

I couldn't face seeing the kids only part-time so tried to make it better at home. This time, he said he is going and leaving me with the kids and the house and I think he thinks he is helping me out with managing money ( as he thinks I can't do it. I can.). I will talk to a lawyer soon again but I want him gone 1st so he doesn't change the plan. I am also back at work 4 days a week and all the kids are in school so that is no longer an issue.

You're not stupid. You sound like a hard-working woman with a strong sense of family and you've been unlucky (not stupid) to end up with someone who would rather exploit those qualities and make your life miserable rather than appreciate their good luck.

Of course you want your DCs to be OK & of course divorce/separation is sad and upsetting, but I think you're underestimating just how damaging it can be to have a emotionally abusive bully for a parent. There are no guarantees and no easy options but please be optimistic. Once they've had chance to adapt, your children may flourish once he's gone.

"I couldn't face seeing the kids only part-time so tried to make it better at home."

You see, that's straightforward manipulation on his part. He made threats against your lifestyle and your access to the children and what he achieved by creating this fear was that you pandered to him more .... Classic technique.

I think you should tell him to leave now, see the lawyer and get the divorce papers on the way. 'Looking for an apartment' doesn't take anything like this long but a manipulative bully will drag it out if it suits his aims. I think he knows you're worried about the DCs and he's waiting for you to cave.

Hi adventure mom (that name says it all) you sound like a great mam! What an adventure you can give those children when you have your independence and control back. It sounds to me like my dilemma. I have just started divorce proceedings which has been so hard to do. I am waiting a few days before I can tell him and I am so scared. I have teenagers too and as other friends have said they are well aware of bad atmosphere so wont be shocked. I do understand where you are coming from because as a mother you want to protect your children from hurt but that should tell you how much you want out otherwise you would stay but I am sure like me for your sanity you can not. My husband was fab while I conformed and went along with what he wanted but once I had an opinion then it changed. I wish you luck but I don't think you will need it. Also him saying your controlling ways that's one that is used when you are organising the family not controlling but that's the way they like to perceive. Was he spoilt as a child?

Hi adventure mom (that name says it all) you sound like a great mam! What an adventure you can give those children when you have your independence and control back. It sounds to me like my dilemma. I have just started divorce proceedings which has been so hard to do. I am waiting a few days before I can tell him and I am so scared. I have teenagers too and as other friends have said they are well aware of bad atmosphere so wont be shocked. I do understand where you are coming from because as a mother you want to protect your children from hurt but that should tell you how much you want out otherwise you would stay but I am sure like me for your sanity you can not. My husband was fab while I conformed and went along with what he wanted but once I had an opinion then it changed. I wish you luck but I don't think you will need it. Also him saying your controlling ways that's one that is used when you are organising the family not controlling but that's the way they like to perceive. Was he spoilt as a child?

I can never get over how insightful you mumsnetters are. Just cut to to the chase. Thanks so much. Funny enough he started in today and wanted to go to lunch to talk about his plans and I said no I didn't want to do it like that. He then said there were other people to think about in this beside me ie the kids and I needed to consider that. I just said tell me his plans for moving out and then and we can implement them. That gobsmacked him a bit and he went to the kids card. I also said he could talk to them and I would talk to them after but not together. So now he is pulling the anger card. I said it won't be a discussion, just give me the plans he has as I don't know what he intends. Then we were back to that's why I said we should go out and discuss the plans. ARRRRGGGG! So circular and crazy.

Doesn't sound like he has plans... I think this is why you have to take the initiative here, override this rubbish and tell him your plan (e.g. he leaves by the end of the month and you're not too bothered where) rather than waiting for him to get his act together. Of course you are considering the children... how insulting of him to suggest otherwise. And how revealing that he's leaving you, but he gets angry when you ask for clarity....

Are you starting to see through his tricks?

I do see through them. He is just so unpredictable my fear is, if he realizes I really want him to go, he will stay and fight just to fight. Then we are back to the joint custody scenario, sale of house etc. I think he wants to be the hero leaving because I am so unreasonable but he did all he could and left me with the house and kids. Well, I don't think it, he has pretty much said this to me that he has done all he can to manage me and now I have forced him to take this step. I am just trying not to get baited. He likes to argue and is good at it, he will just go at you until you start to believe it. I am seeing through it but I need him to just go so I can get my head straight.