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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Best Friends bf keeps coming on to me...

16 replies

Fizog · 23/04/2004 10:12

...and it's making me ill.

Do I tell her? I'd want to know if I were here but just the thought of having to tell her makes me sick.

I've told him if he contacts me again I will tell her and so far (for the last couple of days) I've not heard anything but everytime I think I've got it sorted he starts again. He's best friends with my neighbour and I just can't seem to avoid him. I can't look him in the eye and I'm so frightened of friend picking up on an atmosphere. He makes me so angry. I feel so guilty and feel like he's put me in such an awful position.

Do I ignore it but then if he can come on to her best mate lord knows what else he's doing. I want to protect her as I love her to bits but is ignorance really bliss?

I know I would be so mad if I ever found out she'd not told me something like this. If I tell her I risk losing her as a frind if I don't tell her I risk losing her as a friend. What a W**ker!!!

I've told him straight that nothing will ever happen and I've told him what I think of him but I really don't want to fall out with him as if they stay together and he and I don't get on it could make things very difficult for my friend and I. I feel like I can't win.

Don't know if I want advice or just a rant. Why do I feel so guilty when I've not done anything wrong? maybe because I'm keeping a secret from her... I dunno. Sick of thinking about it, sick of constantly feeling sick, sick of not being able to sleep at night.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 23/04/2004 10:17

Don't feel guilty, he is a prick and has no right to make you feel like this. I would personally tell her, its better to be truthful in the end. If you risk loosing her, you will have done the right thing, its better than falling out with her for not being honest.
If she is a good friend she will believe you anyhow. I wouldn't want to be with him and i would want my friends to tell me before i got anymore involved.
I had to tell a mate once that i'd seen her boyfriend with someone else, she was very upset, but she was pleased i told her.
Sort it out and get that man out of both of your lives, good luck, not nice.

gothicmama · 23/04/2004 10:18

Do not feel guilty but do not let him put you in this situation perhaps if you are together you could be brazen and say something like it was nice of you to give my confidence a boost by trying it on,. That way it is out in the open you friend knows and you have said it in a non confrontation way to his and hers relationship. If it is out in the open and you are light hearted about it he can not use it to cause trouble between you and your friend

SEXGODDESS · 23/04/2004 10:31

DH ran into an old pal from college going back several years and this friend was a serial womaniser (but seriously slimy as well) fairly sure he was addicted to sex. Anyway he and his wife used to come for dinner etc. I never really liked them that much tbh but for dh's sake I put up with them. I bumped into the friend whilst waiting for dh outside work one day and he suggested coming over to visit when my dh was on nights!!! I seriously didn't know what to say, obviously not wanting him to visit. I told my dh what he'd said and we had a laugh about it but didn't see them again!!! Agree with gothicmama about bringing it up in a light hearted way with your friend present.

Original poster
Fizog · 23/04/2004 11:31

Thanks for the advice. I couldn't mention in light hearted way, she's told me before that he fancies me and she'd be more hurt if I made a joke out of it.

They are having some problems at the moment and we are going out next Friday I think I will pluck up the courage to tell her after a few drinks.

He's really popular in the village (and I'm not particularly) if he tells people they split up because I was "sh*t stirring" (the term I imagine he'd use) then life's going to be pretty awkward for me.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 23/04/2004 11:45

I wouldn't joke about it either, its just not lighthearted, oh by the way you boyfriends a tit, more wine?
Is your village really that bad, and is he that bad that he would spread rumours?

SpringChicken · 23/04/2004 11:48

Definitely better to be honest and tell her.
Not entirely the same but before DP and i got together i had a brief thing with his brother.
Thankfully we were never intimate with each other just a case of lots of flirting, nigths out etc. I knew he had a girlfriend who he had a rocky relationship with but to be truthfull i didn't care.

Anyway, once DP and i started going out and i started to develop a close relationship with Dp's brothers girlfriend I came completely clean one night and told her everything as i just felt so dishonest and awful continuing to get on really well with her but her not know about the past.
She was very hurt and we didn't speak to a few weeks but now we are the best of friends again, her and Dp's brother are still together and have 2 beautiful kids, DP and i are expecting a baby and we all get on brilliantly.

She may be hurt and may not believe you straight away but IMHO it is definitely best to be 100% truthful x

Original poster
Fizog · 23/04/2004 11:52

He's younger than us - I think he's around 21/22 maybe and his friends are really immature. Always drinking to much and drink/driving, smashing there cars up and fighting in pubs etc...

I already don't speak to one of them as he smacked me in the mouth (long story - wrong place/wrong time)

It's not bad on the whole but his family are a large well establlished family in the village/town... whereas I'm 'an outsider' even though I've been kicking around since I was a teenage I only actually moved to the area a couple of years ago. I will always be an outsider, I hope my dd will be accepted as her father is a villager born and bred.

I could just do without it all really.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 23/04/2004 11:56

Well anyone that believes a young idiot lad over you is a fool and your better off without them anyway.

gothicmama · 23/04/2004 12:00

if there is so much else and you can not tell your friend as she's already mentioned it to you best to ignore it all if possible and haev as little to do with him as possible Make sure you keep yourself safe - I was in similar situ and he became nasty towards me but luckily someone intervened and the worst did not happen -

gothicmama · 23/04/2004 12:01

Best of luck to you and I did not mean to worry you _I've just read it back

Original poster
Fizog · 23/04/2004 12:15

gothicmama - you didn't worry me - thanks. That's what I've been trying to do for the last few weeks but he took my number from my friends phone and has been texting me lately. I guess I feel like the best option (for me) would be to ignore it but I feel duty bound to tell her. I think more than anything because I would want her to tell me if the boot was on the other foot.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 23/04/2004 12:20

I understand I think you must be true to yourself and tell her We are all here to support you

gothicmama · 23/04/2004 12:21

Just thought if he is txting you you can show her the texts

Original poster
Fizog · 23/04/2004 12:26

He is texting me yes but I think the texts would be over-kill and I don't want to tell her anymore than I have to. I don't want her to have to read things like "I've always liked you more and if me and xxx hadn't got together I think we'd have had something really good" "I fancied you for ages before I got together with xxx, you must have known" etc... they're all of the same vain. I don't want her to have to see them, I feel like that would be rubbing her nose in it. She will believe me without them.

OP posts:
littlemissbossy · 23/04/2004 12:29

OMG Fizog ... i've just been staring at the screen not quite knowing what the answer is to this one - you're in one of these no win situations. If you tell her, she's going to be angry with him and unfortunately you, even though you've not done anything!! ARRGGHH!! this is frustrating. However, if you don't tell her and this all comes out in the wash she's really going to hate you because it will look like you've tried to cover something up, something that isn't even there. I'm going to sound like my mother now, but honesty is usually the best policy! You should tell her before this gets out of hand, or worse, before HE comes up with his own version (lies, lies and more lies) and you loose a good friend anyway. The fact is he's a w**r and your friend will be better off without him. It can be difficult living in a village, village gossips do exist! I live in one and know just how hard it is to feel at home. Did you say you've lived there a couple of years? ... well don't worry just another 23 years before the locals finally accept you! Good luck, hope it all works out ok

gothicmama · 23/04/2004 12:32

Probably best not to if they are like that and if she will believe you anyway - just be matter of fact - probable best not to be too drunk when you do this

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