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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hurt again by alcoholic ex friend

16 replies

something2say · 14/02/2015 09:26

Hello. I need to talk and hear from a few people about alcoholism.

Don't have much experience with it. When I moved to where I love now, I made friend with a neighbour. I didn't have any friends out here in the country and liked having a neighbour to be friendly with. Didn't realise how much she drank. The friendship was full of ups and down tho and as time passed, it died away. Three years have passed.

I bumped into her husband at the weekend. He told me she got very sick and ended up in hospital with a very high blood reading from liver toxins. The live couldn't handle the amount of alcohol. She had given up for seven months but then started again at Xmas. I was horrified. He said it was almost at transplant level.

I came home and sat and thought, I can't stand by and watch her possibly die!! I decided to make contact, knowing that it was a risk, nasty comments etc. but I took that risk anyway, figuring it would be worth it if she might listen. So I sent her a message, knocked on the door, but no answer. She initially thanked me for the message and agreed to meet, but now she has de friended me from facebook again, just like before. iOS and downs over facebook. I feel stupid. Facebook sins and outs are immature. And I feel arrogant, thinking she might listen to an ex friend when she isn't listening to her husband and carrying in risking her health like this.

The result is....she hasn't listened, she is still drinking I expect, and I got a metaphorical slap in the face yet again, which I chose myself by going back for more. And I feel so sad for her. The alcohol is beginning to show in her body and face.

Does anyone body have any experience of this? Thanks for listening.

OP posts:

Justwanttomoveon · 14/02/2015 09:37

My ex is an alcoholic and cocaine addict so I have a little experience with this. Unfortunately you cannot do anything, the alcoholic needs to want to stop themselves, it doesn't matter what you or anyone else does or says, the decision to stop has to come from them.
Personally, I would leave her to it, you have reached out to her and she clearly doesn't want your help. You sound like a nice person but she is not your responsibility. You could speak to her husband and say you'll be there if she ever needs your help. I would let her get on with it, I wouldn't want the drama of an up and down friendship.

Whocansay · 14/02/2015 09:40

I come from a long line of alcoholics. There is NOTHING you can do to help her. She has to want to help herself.

You sound like a lovely friend.

Original poster

something2say · 14/02/2015 09:48

The whole friendship was a nightmare to be honest. I was naive to it all. It slowly sunk in over time. Selfishness, disappearing for weeks, spiteful messages when I wouldn't give a lift or lend money, lying, stealing from me. And now this, choosing to drink while KNOWING a that ones body is failing as a result!!!!

I did some reading about it, about how it is a disease. Once I rang the local drug and alcohol agency, saying my friend needed help, they thought it was for myself!!! But anyway they wrote to her twice. She said they didn't contact her, so I rang and asked to speak to the manager about why they hadn't followed it up. He said they had written twice and she had ignored and she must not be ready.

It is a big eye opener that someone will actively let themselves sink this low. I mean we all do stupid things don't we but there has to be a cut off point surely??

OP posts:

DandyHighwayman · 14/02/2015 09:51

You cannot rescue her, you cannot.

You have learnt a hard lesson.

lollpop29 · 14/02/2015 09:54

have personal experience with this with my dad being alcoholic for 20+ years, nothing you can do or say can change their minds, its down to her now. my dad died last year at 67yrs old i watched as the drs turned his life support off all due to drinking. we tried to help him for many years, u have to except its an illness. sounds harsh but id continue to live your own life and maybe when shes ready she will get the help she needs and come to you for support.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2015 09:56

No there is no cut off point. My experience of various alcoholics is that it only ever ends up one way. Nothing is more important than alcohol.... not children, partners, jobs, friends... not even themselves, not even life itself. There is no off switch. People talk about rock bottom but I've even seen rock bottom get redefined in the pursuit of more booze. It's a horrible illness because it has the capacity to ruin the life of anyone who gets too close to the sufferer.

Original poster

something2say · 14/02/2015 09:58

Thank you for all of the feedback. Yes it is a big lesson. I have to watch someone I cared for suffer. I feel angry, watching this play out. She has everything, a husband and two kids, a house with a garden, all provided for her. And she is throwing it away. I feel a bit angry actually, that she is choosing this life, and that she is horrible to me! I have never done anything horrible to her, been there left right and centre. Well I was, am not now I suppose. But she wrote to me out of the blue in sept saying could she come and see me as I was the only person who believed she would do it. And I said yes come round, and she didn't ever get back to me and didn't come round on the day we had arranged!!! So I got had again that time!!! I just don't understand how people can behave like this.

Sorry for the rant, I guess I have been quite disturbed by it again...

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/02/2015 09:58

Oftentimes there is no cut off point for an alcoholic - there's just too much mental and physical damage there already.

You can do nothing for her but getting involved will drag you down and around as well - as is evidenced by your worries now.

I'd stop all contact and let it go.

Original poster

something2say · 14/02/2015 10:00

Reading all of your messages, I am being self centered. All this me me me, when she is suffering this disease, and as you all say, nothing is more important than that. It is not about me, personal to me. It is about the addiction.

Lollpop I am very sorry to hear about your dad. X

OP posts:

Original poster

something2say · 14/02/2015 10:02

I will cut off contact yes, and it will be a relief again. Their lives are turning into a car crash. Her husband said he is going to leave if she doesn't sort it out now. I would imagine she will then move and I won't ever hear the outcome.

OP posts:

cozietoesie · 14/02/2015 10:04

The outcome will likely not be good but there's nothing you can do about that. There really isn't.

AddToBasket · 14/02/2015 10:08

You sound such a nice friend. The best thing you can do is not to let it make you bitter or anxious, because this isn't about you. At all. Let it go.

tribpot · 14/02/2015 10:18

I'm not sure the fact the alcohol abuse is beginning to show on her face is particularly the point when she's nearly at the transplant stage!

I suspect that she knew you were trying to stage an intervention, hoping she'd listen to you. She's telling you she doesn't want to be helped. I would imagine she's said the same thing to her DH as well - she knows she needs to give up and she doesn't want to. It's not logical but it's what it is.

Frankly you'd be better off offering your support to her husband. Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do for her.

Original poster

something2say · 14/02/2015 10:30

Thanks everyone.

Tribpot, he said he might come round one night for a chat. That's partly why I emailed her. I would feel disloyal having him here. I feel it would hurt her if she knew. He didn't use to come here, she did. I will certainly speak to him when I next see him but I think I will avoid having him come round. Do you think thats fair?

OP posts:

tribpot · 14/02/2015 12:48

It's up to you - it sounds like you barely know the husband. But he may feel very isolated at the moment, I wouldn't turn him away.

I don't think loyalty/disloyalty comes into it. She and he aren't having a disagreement and you're being asked to take sides. He's stuck in a shit situation with someone who is out of control. He's not her enemy; she is.

This is not your problem but you did offer to go in there and help. This is a way you can help.

cozietoesie · 14/02/2015 13:15

Personally, I'd avoid having him round. I agree with tribpot that it's not a matter of loyalty or disloyalty but I think you would inevitably be pressured into taking some sort of stance on it just by him being there, likely pouring out his feelings to you and expecting some sort of response in conversation.

I don't think that that would avail anybody much - and you could well find yourself agreeing to (or proffering) some sort of continuing intervention.

I'd just let the whole thing go.

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