Hi,
I expect a flaming for this but I am prepared for it. After that, if anyone could offer me sound advice I would really appreciate it.
Six years ago I went out with a guy in my office. I was very upset at the time as my mother was terminally ill and I was all over the place.
This guy started out as a friend and a shoulder to cry on, but I came to depend on him, and I had only recently moved back to Britain because of my mother's illness.
We started a relationship that continued for about 18 months. But it was cut short when I discovered that he was addicted to prostitutes, although from his internet history it didn't appear that he'd visited them while with me. But he was chatting about them on sex forums and surfing hookers' websites and stuff. Yes, I snooped on him as I felt something was "off" after a disagreement we'd had.
Snooping was wrong, I accept. What I did after that was far, far worse, and what I have done tonight. I am so mad at myself.
After the "discovery" six years ago I was very upset; confronted him, we argued and he ended it after admitting he had a sex addiction. I was really devastated. The mistake I made was to confide in someone at work. A friend. She is not malicious but, as I've discovered, couldn't keep a secret. My fault for confiding, not hers. She didn't ask to be confided in.
Well, she told another colleague (and friend) who weeks later remarked on it to me. I said to her that I'd told our mutual friend in confidence and could she please keep it quiet?
My ex, meanwhile, was suspicious and kept asking me, "have you told xx?" I lied and said No, because I feared the consequences.
It all died down and I never gave it much thought. My ex married someone else last year and is happy and we still work together. We are friendly but not overly so. But there is absolutely no animosity between us - it's almost as if we are just friends and our relationship never happened. Sometimes he confides his work troubles in me and it never goes further than that. There is no longer any romantic attraction between us.
This is where I went wrong again. I went on a works "do" tonight and everyone got drunk, including me. I was talking with a colleague who I get on well with, and who is friendly with my friend who I confided in originally 6 years ago, and it transpired that he knew I'd been to bed with someone in the office.
I said "come on, then, who?" and he told me my ex's name. I was really bad. I was drunk - no excuse I know - but rather than protect my ex's dignity, I went for a cheap laugh out of drunken bravado and said, "Yeah, okay, I admit it. He had a big d**, but was rubbish in bed."
Why, why, why? I know that is awful, immature and unforgivable behaviour. And my ex doesn't deserve it. And it was really nasty. I don't know why I did that. The subject of prostitutes never came up. But if this colleague knows we had a sexual relationship then he must know everything else, as our other colleague did several years ago. I can't imagine she'd have left that part out.
I can't put it right or un-say what has been said. What can I do now in terms of damage limitation? If it ever gets back to my ex he'll kill me - or himself. It's not just about my own grubby survival, but about the fact I should never have said this, it was awful and unfair. I don't hate my ex and I am glad he's happy in his new life. I am just so ashamed of myself for acting this way.
I know I've only got myself to blame for this. Should I ring this colleague tomorrow and explain and ask him to keep this to himself and I was wrong to say what I said?
Thanks for reading.