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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fuckwit is trying to argue with me again. Analyse this one ...

49 replies

TooGoodyTwoShoes · 13/02/2015 23:38

Today is ds2s birthday so we bought him a cake. Half if it went on the 4 lads we share between us (my two and his two, ages 14, 16, 18 and 20. Half was left. Neither me nor dp had any. So later in the night I went to get some and notice only two pieces are left. I said "thought there was half a cake left? Let's save the rest for tomorrow". That was it ... No allegations, no blame, no concern really!! Just stating the fact that the cake had disappeared rather quickly. Dp jumps on the defense saying "I just had some!". His youngest then admitted that he'd had another piece. I was like "well, whatever ... " and went to wait to put on the movie dp and I were supposed to be watching. Anyway he came in and said "don't know if I want to watch a movie with you now after your performance over the cake" Confused not wanting to play his usual power struggle I simply said "ok" and turned it off. He then kicked off because id turned the movie off. (I think I was supposed to beg). I then said "sorry but you're going to have to find someone else to argue with because I can't be arsed. If you want to watch the movie we'll watch it, if you don't, we won't". He went off to bed in a strop and will now ignore me for days.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooGoodyTwoShoes · 14/02/2015 00:17

Circumstances I suppose. My eldest don us in the middle of his gcse's, I'm in the middle of my degree finals ... And then there's the jackyl and Hyde thing ... "Oh you're angry with me and I don't understand why, especially as I've just organised us a romantic night away ... See how much I love you?". It's a head fuck.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 14/02/2015 04:50

I can understand it's no big thing but the use of 'whatever' makes me feel stabby.

Seriously though, ditto everyone else. If this sort of thing has become normal, get rid as life's too short.

Misfitless · 14/02/2015 07:10

Whatever drives me mad.

But leave him. Your DS might thank you for doing it mid GCSEs if he's witnessing all the agro, especially if you can shield him from the aftermath.

Think of him revising in a nice, calm house, without the tension and the anxiety of it all kicking off.

Ditto for you in the midst of your finals.

however · 14/02/2015 07:34

Surely studying for exams will be easier for you and your son in a quiet and friendly environment. i.e. just the two of you????

Walkacrossthesand · 14/02/2015 07:41

I hope you're not putting down deposits on wedding day bookings - at the very least, if you don't feel ready to split up now, stall on paying out for an event that you know isn't going to happen!

JeanSeberg · 14/02/2015 07:44

My eldest don us in the middle of his gcse's

Surely even more of a reason to bin him. I bet your son hates living in this environment doesn't he?

Lweji · 14/02/2015 07:58

Your boy is not even his. Do you think he will be that affected?
What's stopping you from starting the wheels in motion, even if you only split up after the GCSEs?
But I agree that your son would benefit from a calmer environment.

Lweji · 14/02/2015 08:00

What's the housing situation?

If it's yours kick him out.
If it's his, find a rental place. You could move within a month or so and have a happier rest of the year.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/02/2015 08:24

Why fantasise? Why not... do it?

DeliciousMonster · 14/02/2015 08:36

Oh for goodness sake, just get rid of this fucking idiot. And do it as soon as you possibly can. Have some self respect.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2015 08:37

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You and he should not be together at all. Sticking around will just entail more of the same from him. Many abusive men are often on their best behaviour particularly in the early days; its only later on that their mask slips also because they cannot keep up the nice act. His nice/nasty act is really part of the continuous cycle of abuse.

Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships; that this abusive treatment is acceptable on some level to you?.

It is the case that your son has GCSEs and you have uni finals but he has and will continue to sabotage all your efforts and now yet again he will not talk to you for days.

You will get no peace at all as long as this negative and emotionally abusive man is in your life in any way, shape or form. One of the reasons you are with someone like this at all is also because your own family of origin are as negative to you as he is. You learnt an awful lot of damaging stuff on relationships as a child and it is certainly further impacting on you now. All that now needs to be unlearnt; getting away from both this person and your entire family of origin could well be the making of you.

Star8369 · 14/02/2015 13:07

why are you with him? isnt this the same bloke who expected you to leave your son in a tiny box room for a bedroom while his son who only stays once in a while has the biggest bedroom?

SoulSista85 · 14/02/2015 13:31

Oh honey. Get out of it. Marrying him is only going to give him a further license for control. This will not change. Know that now before it gets worse.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 13:36

You plan to marry this guy ?

You have an emotional death wish.

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 13:37

Shit, this isn't Box Room Poster is it ?

trackrBird · 14/02/2015 15:42

He sounds ..very familiar.

TooGoody, you've not known him that long, surely...if you're who I think you are. Couple of years? If so, the argument about disrupting your son's GCSEs really doesn't hold water. Witnessing these mad arguments isn't creating a good study environment for him anyway, or doing your degree work any favours.

There isn't a good reason for you to be there. Will you stay, though, anyway? What would get you moving?

Star8369 · 14/02/2015 15:57

I think it is AnyFucker

AnyFucker · 14/02/2015 15:59

Boxy, I'm pretty sure you promised to stop posting the same scenario over and over and hoping for different responses

Star8369 · 14/02/2015 16:01

The only solution to your problem is to LTB! no amount of name changing and posting the same things over and over again is going to help

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2015 19:11

Yeah, I think you've been advised more than once, on more than one thread, to LTB. Obviously, for whatever reason, you aren't ready to do that. Ok that's fine. But you need to stop looking for validation of you staying, because you aren't going to find it, especially on MN!!

So remember Einstein's definition of insanity, because you're living it:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

supersop60 · 14/02/2015 19:55

If you want you and your son to do well in exams, move out and find somewhere quiet where you can both study without all this stress hanging over you. You can get benefits etc to help with living. I haven't seen any previous threads, just this one. MNetters are not like friends in RL who will give you a hug while you vent. Mnetters will tell you what they think you should actually do. I've been on the other end - listen to them!

JenniferGovernment · 14/02/2015 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

projecting · 14/02/2015 20:03

Sorry this is a non issue.

You're with a man you don't like and you are unpleasant to each other.

What is your motivation for being in this relationship? You don't get points for staying you know.

RaisingMen · 14/02/2015 21:43

It really is this simple - leave.

Do you really want to be doing this for the rest of your life?

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