DH's grandfather is a horrible, horrible, entitled man. This is nothing new - he always has been. He is the picture of a gentleman in public and around others, but he is/was EA to DMIL and her late mother. When DMIL was a baby/toddler, her mother bundled her up and walked out on him but, being the 1950s, there was nowhere else to go so had to go back. She went on to experience years of depression and even underwent ECT.
GF will go through several months where he will be perfectly civil, but then something will set him off - quite often it's DMIL and DFIL going on holiday (jealousy, we think, combined with his unshaking belief that it's DMIL's priority and duty in life to look after him, not go off on jaunts). He will then kick off - shouting, swearing at DMIL, calls her a bitch, swears at DFIL, gets on the phone to other (uncaring) family members to tell them what a terrible daughter DMIL is. DH and I have begged DMIL to just back off and leave him to fend for himself for years, but she always goes back to mend fences - and goes back to doing his shopping, doing his laundry, managing his finances, arranging his hospital appointments etc etc. She is his only child, so we think she feels an overwhelming obligation to do this, plus she is devoutly Christian, and we also think she has a genuine fear that others will believe the tripe GF spouts about her being a useless daughter so tries to show she's not. We've told her and told her that this is only going to worsen his behaviour, but she just can't bring herself to go NC.
Tonight, GF told her that he doesn't love her and hopes that she dies of a stroke (she had a sudden seizure a few years ago that was attributed to a cerebrovascular event, so has been monitored regularly for strokes ever since). He also took a swipe at DFIL's face. This has got to stop.
The complicating factor is that he is a fairly frail 92, with quite severe macular degeneration and COPD. He is independently mobile and self-caring, however, so is 'too good' for a care home, not that he would even consider going into one, and wouldn't qualify for, or want, daily care input from social services. He has full capacity and has no (diagnosed) MH issues, so there is no way of making him go into care against his will. He could go on for years yet just to spite us so it's not a case of just waiting a few months more for him to quietly fall off his perch.
DMIL would only consider going NC if he was suitably maintained at home. He has a cleaner, so obviously she could be paid extra to do laundry and make his bed. Finances are all direct debit, so no real input is needed there, unless things change, which would need DMIL's input. She also reads his post for him. Shopping and meals are a real stumbling block - DMIL does his shopping online and orders him Wiltshire Farm Foods, which requires weekly contact to sort out what he wants. Social services carers and Age UK will not do this. They would heat up or do simple preparation of food that is already in the house, but he can do that himself. It's the getting it in that DMIL is stuck doing. Also, he's completely incapable of doing things like arranging hospital appointments for himself because he can't see the numbers on his (large button) phone well enough to dial and can't write down phone numbers if they're given to him for arranging things like hospital transport. He has no other family or friends who could or would do any of this for him, and DH and I are certainly not going to do it for him.
Has any one got any experience or advice in this situation?