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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help to discern things

13 replies

needtoknowwhy · 13/02/2015 20:52

Hi. NC unfortunately.

I've known a guy since about June 2012. I was 39 when we met he was 37. I have a 15 yr old DD (not his).

When we met he had just come out of a relationship with a young woman of 24. Apparently they had a very dramatic relationship and were very on and off. Prior to her he had fell in love with a woman his own age but who left him and did some damage on her way out (they brought a house together and he thought it would be for life until she decided that she wanted out and left him heartbroken).

He tends to like all my fb updates and texts me regularly. He went missing at the beginning of our relationship and i know its because he was with his ex - the younger one. But they had a falling out and he came running back to me. He has told me it would never work between them. I heard from a friend that this young woman fell entirely in love with him but he kept leaving her. But he seems to keep in touch with me a lot and rarely mentions her anymore.

I just want to know if we are ever going to get somewhere or if i should cut my ties. I recently set up my own business and he has been very supportive of it (i mean promoting on social media and telling me how proud he is of me).

He is now 40. Never been married and doesn't have any DC of his own but is very successful in his career. Very charming and wants to meet me a lot.

Am I being delusional to think we might have a future? As I say, I have a small business which is doing relatively okay and he's now fb friends with my DD but i'd like something serious.

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 13/02/2015 21:08

I don't think anyone can predict the future. Its a risk, you take it or you don't. The fact you have to ask implies your intuition is that there is no certainty and that you have misgivings.

Original poster

needtoknowwhy · 13/02/2015 21:24

thanks Minx agree r.e. much to be said about intuition. I just thought maybe I need to get a grip and see how it goes but after 3 years now perhaps this is not all what I'd built it up to seem.

OP posts:

TeaHowl · 13/02/2015 21:38

"I just want to know if we are ever going to get somewhere or if i should cut my ties"

How do YOU feel about the time you spend with him? Is it satisfying you?

If you've been dating someone for three years surely you should be able to say "I want X or I need Y" and see what their response is, then work from there? It's not just the man's job

Also, maybe if you've got it pretty good you don't need to "cut all ties"? Don't see the need to punish yourself by cutting someone you like out of your life.

An option is to keep him to go out with (if you're getting the vibe he's just interested in "dating" style relationship where you go out but aren't really tied into each others lives, then why not enjoy him as a "lover/companion" and also look to meet other men for a "serious partner"?)

pictish · 13/02/2015 21:44

Hmm...I don't think I'd hang around to see if a man wanted me or not.
I'd want him to be delighted to even get a chance to impress me, not entering me into a play off with another woman!

TeaHowl · 13/02/2015 21:52

I agree with pictish that I'm not sure he is serious about you as in 1-1 monogamous relationship, or you wouldn't be wondering where it was going after three years?

But if you've invested three years in building a connection and enjoy his company, then there's no need (in my opinion) to throw the baby out with the bathwater? in these modern times, companionship with someone interesting is often valuable.

I'm still very close to two men I've been romantically involved with in the past, and we "date" without being in a relationship: to channel SGB the heterosexual monogamous relationship isn't the only thing standing between humanity and loneliness.

MiniTheMinx · 13/02/2015 21:57

Out of interest, how often do you see each other OP?

Joysmum · 13/02/2015 22:00

He went missing at the beginning of our relationship and i know its because he was with his ex - the younger one. But they had a falling out and he came running back to me

You know you're playing second fiddle to his ex and if they thought there was a chance it might work he'd be off like a shot.

Original poster

needtoknowwhy · 13/02/2015 22:18

i enjoy the time we spend together and the sex is great. but somewhere deep inside me wants something serious. something 1-1. not just casual as it seems to be.

Minx we see each other once a week at the weekend, failing that every other week.

Joys i don't think i'm playing second fiddle to her as he left her in a very bad place and she now doesn't want anything to do with him. they were very on and off and i think this has to do with their age difference? (delusional?) but they don't talk anymore.

TeaHowl i like him a lot. and he likes me a lot. I enjoy the time we spend together but as you say it seems to be that he enjoys the 'dating' side of things. i.e. not commitment as such but just the good times. i enjoy these too but the issue is increasingly i want more than that. i want more than just sex dinner and drinks and a few likes on fb .

i was fine with everything until now but thing is he can go off and still meet and marry someone and have a family with them. I'm ok with my life, don't want anymore DC but want commitment. he tends to skirt around the issue when i ask so just needed to subjective opinions.

TeaHowl out of interest do ur two guys know about each other? are u not bothered by monogamy?

OP posts:

Original poster

needtoknowwhy · 13/02/2015 22:21

sorry about grammar! on my mobile!

OP posts:

MiniTheMinx · 13/02/2015 22:26

You like him a lot? Like? and he likes you? weird, after three years you might expect that you feel a bit more than just liking each other.

As you say he skirts around the issue of commitment, which can only mean one thing, he doesn't want it. If he did you would know about it by now.

But as Tea says if its just a case of "like" why throw it away but you could keep your options open. I would and i would tell him that is how it is going to be. Tell him you want a relationship, a relationship with him, he can either say yes or no but if he says no then the fair thing to do is to free you to pursue what you need with someone else.

TeaHowl · 13/02/2015 22:39

I'm single and yes they do although we don't really do the whole "discussing things" as that would make it icky? Its more of a discreet don't ask don't tell thing, and we don't have social circles in common so no overlap!

They both have fairly full schedules with international work, one with children etc (which kind of is why we broke up really, ) but still like the "taking a woman out to dinner, going to see Art, that kind of thing".

I don't see the point of wasting all that time we had together and all the connection we have just because we aren't compatible for a 1-1 committed future? (and neither do they) we're all fairly conservative types, it's just the way the die have hallen.

(and I don't mean its all laughter and shagging and dinner and cocktails, one spent my last housemove shifting boxes for me, and we talk about serious stuff, my career, cook for each other, are caring, 100% reliable, etc.

There is "love" just not monogamy, I am certainly open to a monogamous relationship with the right man and the right circumstances. But don't find the "all or nothing" point of view is necessarily emotionally the best option?

I mean clearly you like this guy and feel connected or you wouldn't be thinking about him, posting about him etc.

from my own personal experience, I'm just envisaging you breaking all contact and then going on lots of shit dates (as sometimes happens, that's the dating circuit) and regretting cutting him out of your life altogether. Play the situation to your advantage.

TeaHowl · 13/02/2015 22:49

Meant to say, right now ones offshore and the other has his children's needs to deal with so I'm all alllllllonnnnee and single (which is probably why there is no committed relationship)

But that doesn't mean I might not want to accept an offer of drinks and a night out in a weeks time?

It really takes the emotional pressure off and also I am free to meet someone really suitable for me.

daisychain01 · 13/02/2015 22:54

I don't think i'm playing second fiddle to her as he left her in a very bad place and she now doesn't want anything to do with him

This would ring alarm bells. Big time.

I don't like the sound of how he treated her.

He can do the same to you, so don't give him the chance. Sorry.

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