Anger ruining my life, please help me

[TheLadyOfTheHouseSpeaking]

I hate myself, have just yelled at my beautiful daughter for getting a letter wrong in her Valentine's card, she's 5 ffs I know, I'm a fucking bitch

If it's any consolation she's rarely the one on the receiving end, it's usually DH, I know it's normal for couples to argue etc but the smallest things light my fuse and I end up yelling, calling him dickhead, bastard etc and he gets really hurt. He should have left me a long time ago, I don't know why he puts up with it.

Please please help me get out of this be harsh, I know I'm a horrible bitch who deserves to be on my own. I've been to counselling on 3 occasions and nothing has helped. Is there anyone else who's been similar, has anything helped you snap out of it?

I truly hate myself and cannot go on living like this. I don't want to ruin my daughter.

Hmm. You are depressed, an arsehole or most likely a bit of both.

Is you mood linked to your menstrual cycle? If not, have you suffered physical or emotional abuse as a child? Was violence common from or between your parents?

If there's no underlying cause, the best thing you can do is leave, go into therapy, and come back when you're no longer dangerous.

My DM was like you, and the fallout is now affecting her grandchildren.

The fact that you realise it's a problem and want to change is encouraging. However, bullying people is horrible behaviour and you have to try harder. If it means outside help to give you techniques, look for that outside help. If you struggle to speak kindly, make more of an effort to think before you speak. Apologise sincerely to your loved ones, especially your daughter.

Has it ever been suggested to you to keep a mood diary? Log a few key factors in it.... diet, sleep, alcohol consumption, stress level.... and see if there is any pattern or triggers to your behaviour.

How's your work-(family) life balance?

I,m a LP and was a "sandwich" (taking care of elderly parents, sadly now gone).

I really need "time out" (even if it's just with a book/laptop in my room, afternoon cinema of a film I want to see) to keep me on an even keel.

I generally think we have an awful lot on our plate nowadays and therefore a lot of stress.
I've cut a lot out of my life that doesn't bring me peace.

Thank you for the replies.

I agree I am depressed and most likely an arsehole because of it. I'm not taking medication due to the fact I'm also battling infertility (I had been on Sertraline and this sent my cycles haywire). Maybe the infertility is a blessing in disguise, I don't deserve the daughter I have yet alone have another.

I don't like to blame the past but yes, I can certainly pinpoint my dad's emotional abuse as a major factor. He made me feel like a failure for most of my childhood. My mum was and is fantastic.

I hate to list 'excuses' but I don't want you to think I am dangerous, but I do have a lot 'going on' at the minute that I think makes me feel this way...the subfertility, my dad is now dying and I'm losing my job in a matter of weeks.

I must stress I have never hit my daughter (or DH) however I know emotional bullying can be just as horrific.

fuck, I loathe myself

How long did you stick with your counselling? It takes months to get anywhere really.

Go to your doctor. You're at risk of ruining your relationship with your daughter and your husband; if your husband decided to leave you, there's a chance your daughter would want to live with him. You need to accept that - you need to be shocked into recognising the truth of it.

There's all sorts of medication that can help you and you may have to try a few but you'll get there.

Do it for yourself and for your family. You'll feel so much better if you do.

You are clearly under massive stress at present but that's not a free pass to be horrible to your family. I agree with PPs that seeing your doctor is probably best. Maybe some ADs as a temporary measure will help break the cycle of shouting/hating yourself/grovelling/fretting/shouting again.

george the first time I had approx 8 sessions until their funding ran out. Same amount with the second however I left as I felt she was struggling to make get me....however, I have to admit the counselling dealt more with my anxiety, I was too ashamed to admit I had anger issues.

Imperial you are so right but as above, I'm terrified and ashamed to tell the doctor I have an anger issue.

struggling to 'get' me that should have read.

OP, I went to the doctor with anger issues because of my daughter locking herself in the (only) bathroom for 1.5 hours every morning, leaving the house two minutes before I had to leave for a stressful and fast drive to work. I thought she'd think I was mad and she said in my position she would have broken the door down and murdered her!

Doctors are human, too. They know how bad surges of anger can feel and how bad they are both for your body and for your relationships. They will not think less of you because you have been honest. There's a lot they can do. In my position I was given betablockers - I had a prescription for one month and the problem was resolved in that time.

Please do something about it - you must feel awful.

Thank you, Imperial

OP I loathed myself too and I'm not here to "bash" you.

I suffered from PMS (Im now the other side of menopause and am me again every day of the week)

For two weeks of the month I was a ticking bomb waiting to explode. I have lost various partners over the years due to this. People that don't suffer from it have no idea what it's like.

Jekyll and Hyde would have described me back then.

Do another poster has suggested and start a mood chart, this will show you if it's hormonal or not.

as*

Yes, the mood diary seems like a smart idea.

Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate every one of them

'Bad' people don't recognise the need for change and don't lothe themselves as don't recognise they are doing anything wrong.

Youve taken a massive first step in recognising there's a problem, a second one in seeking help and a third in trying to recognise it's route cause.

I agree the next one is GP to get back on it and move further forward.

A mood diary sounds like a good idea.

It also sounds like you have more deep seated issues which short-term counselling isn't enough for. After years of depression I finally had a year's worth of psychoanalysis and I finally really felt like I was getting to grips with my problems. I have been so much better since.

You don't sound like you feel like a fit mother at the moment so forget about TTC and take some medication, stabilise and fight for some more long term talking therapy until you feel like you've got a handle on it. You are clearly grieving for the relationship you never had with your father. You are not horrible but you are enduring unbearable emotional torment and you need to avoid passing it on like your dad did.

THEN try for another baby if you still want one. Think of it as preparing the ground for your next child and repairing your relationship (if it is suffering) with your daughter and your husband (who seems like a scapegoat?)

Do you have time for an activity where you can actually channel your frustrations in a positive way? A class like boxercise might really get your anger out and leave you feeling amazing.

I've had anger issues in the past. I had counselling (4 different lots!), read self help books and took beta blockers for a time.
Some of my anger was linked to other issues such as low self esteem and OCD - once I'd acknowledged these it helped greatly with the anger.
I also realised I didn't want to be angry anymore; it was harming me physically, mentally & emotionally and affecting every aspect of my life. The big first step is realising you have a problem then wanting to do something to sort it out which is what you're doing so well done for that.