worried that ill never feel this way again.

[vicarinatutu]

hi
i recently left a 27 year relationship - my dh is a lovely lovely gentle and together bloke and everyone thinks im insane, but i met him as a 15 year old girl. I love him dearly, even now, but i had never "fancied" him. We were really best friends who lived together. Our sex life was dying a slow and painful death and it was alway "awkward" and embarrassing. not how it should be.

I ve just had a whirlwind relationship with someone i was madly attracted to and i totally fell in love with. He literally made my heart beat faster if i heard his voice or thought of him. For the first time ever i had a sex life that felt natural, and it was amazing, i hadnt realised sex like it existed and it was made all the more amazing because i was so utterly smitten.

unfortunately i have fairly quickly discovered he did not feel the same and our "relationship" ended - he ended it - im mooching and mourning the loss and im utterly miserable. And alone.

my biggest fear is that ill never feel like it again. im in my early 40s and i think its the first time ive ever felt that way about anyone. Normally im very body conscious and shy (i dont know why - i just am, im a size 12) but with him i didnt care. For the first time ever i wanted to look into someones eyes while they were with me. He totally did it for me. It was amazing and i could cry everytime i think about it.

What if i never feel that kind of "magnetism" again? I had lived for 27 years in ignorant bliss with dh....id never had sex with anyone else. In the beginning dh and i had to have sex therapy because it was just all wrong.

Now i know what im missing im bereft. And scared it will never happen again. Im thinking it took 40 - odd years to happen once.

And i still have to see the man i fell in love with - there is no avoiding it. I feel like im grieving. I was so head over heels and it all went so wrong.

Don't worry. Magnetism in the form of sexual thrills are easy to find. Finding someone who combines sexual thrills with a genuinely nice personality and good relationship potential is a trickier business, but it's a lot of fun working your way through the candidates. No rush.

really cognito ? im just reeling at him breaking up with me - i thought we would be together because he lead me to believe we would. Then ran a mile.

ive never experienced it before - it wasnt just magnetism. i feel like im going through my teenage hood only at 40 odd and that means the men who may or may enter my life will have baggage.....its going to be harder to find in my 40s than my 20s im thinking....?

most of my friends are men. Since becoming single ive had a few men proposition me but ive not been interested. They havent done for me whatever the last one did.

Of course, for some women, sexual magnetism and lovely guy do not go together and so they look and look but never find, because they are drawn to something not healthy. I`m wondering if you are not one of these women OP?

how do i know when i met my only ever partner/dh at 15? now youre scaring me.

i spent 27 years with a lovely guy who clearly found sex with me as difficult as i found it with him. awkward. embarrassing.

this was the first time i felt sexually attracted to someone - he thinks we werent compatible. He didnt want to find out. He had some issues i think but thats my fear - at 20 you can tolerate more than when your 40. Youre more set in your ways.
(him rather than me i guess....i wanted to give it a go and take a chance and see what happened - there are no guarantees with any relationship but he seemed to need to know that it was going to work without seeing)

Did this new guy feel like a drug to you? Being with him made you feel alive. Someone unrecognisable to who you were previously. Just the sheer thought of seeing him again would get you excited and smile? It's like you awoken you?

If so, I had this when I came out of a long term relationship with someone who I'd been with since a teenager. The chemistry was just amazing. Just touching his skin made me 'wake'. Going for dinner with him, I couldn't take my eyes off him. I felt totally at his mercy, if you will. Lasted about six months before he got itchy feet and it ended. Hurt me more than my marriage breakdown.

I also wonder if I will experience it again, but on the flip side, that kind of relationship was too consuming for me. My friends kept on saying it was unhealthy. In hindsight towards the end, whilst my feelings for him grew stronger that chemistry/hedonism was wearing quite thin.

If you found it once (as in a strong attraction to a new guy) you'll find it again vicar. And hopefully the next time the feelings will be reciprocated fully :) Guard your heart though. I think that you are indeed a little vulnerable right now, newly single after so long.

exactly glad glass - i actually said i felt like he had woken me up. I actually glowed - physically i looked different somehow. A friend who lives in Oz and didnt know anything said there was a sensuality about me that he had never seen before.

my friend said she had known me for 20 years and had never seen me look so beautiful (im not beautiful!)

he just awoke something in me that i didnt know was there.
and now its gone.
and im sad.

need to go to work....
back tomorrow.

It's not gone though vicar, it is there - it's a new you. It sounds corny, i know.

I too left a long term marriage. Been together since teens etc. My first relationship afterwards was the same heady almost sickeningly exciting experience that aglass describes. I always knew my marriage was more of a friendship - knew there was more to feel. For me things went my way and my grand passion and i got married. We're very happy. It is so worth pursuing.

You were going through the teenage years... its not a bad way to put it. If you missed out on that phase of your development because you settled for someone at 15 you are now playing catch up. That intense feeling followed by heartbreak is what most people go through once or twice in the earlier years. It's why 'first loves' have a powerful hold. It's only by experiencing it and getting a few corners knocked off that you develop some emotional resilience

You're having a crash course.

vicar

Big changes are always scary. After such a long time feeling "stuck in a rut", you need to re-adjust to being a "single woman".

This means trying lots of new things, building interests, meeting new people (male and female, friends as well as lovers).

What i mean is I wouldn't stake your life too much around dating right now. Date by all means but don't take it too seriously?

It's old wives advice but it is true that one needs time to get over things, and people use the term "rebound relationship" for a reason.

You had a sexless marriage. Then you flipped to a very intense sexual connection. It's like a starving person at dinnertime, so only natural you have been feeling that way! But being single and enjoying life and feeling love and enjoying being a woman isn't all about "the man thing".

Hopefully with time you will move towards "finding the real you and the happy medium": be kind to yourself and best of luck

thank you - im just scared ive left it too late to start the whole teenage thing now....i dont feel i have time, plus ive moved to a new area so im quite isolated.

and im pining for my lost love....which is the worst feeling ive ever experienced made all the worse by the fact i cant avoid seeing him. He has made it clear he doesnt want to continue in the relationship. im just reeling from it and wondering if ill ever find that kind of intensity again, and i felt i had fallen in love. he hadnt unfortunately. that much is clear.

ive given up an awful lot - for the right reasons i know, i feel in my heart i did the right thing, but im still upset that it didnt work out with the person i felt was the one....we just connected in a way ive never known. I know the intensity scared him.

i dont find it very easy to meet people. im missing the intimacy.

truth be told im missing the sex too....i feel like i was woken up to how it could be and then it was taken away again.

i dont do casual sex - im just not comfortable with the thought of it.

It is devastating when your hopes and dreams in a relationship evaporate because the other person bales out. It's all that investment in emotion and plans you think the other person wants as well

Don't write yourself off though, for goodness sake! Life has many twists and turns - love can be found in very unexpected ways at every phase in life (not just as a teenager or 20-something). Love can be taken away (through illness and death) no guarantees. Nowadays, even more than ever, relationship breakdown doesn't necessarily signify the end of love and romance. It is normalised (and hence society is better equipped) to get out there and create companionships.

All I'm saying is the opportunities are there more than ever, so just because you feel your hopes for connections and relationships are dashed due to being with your ex for several decades, and this latest relationship not working out, don't give up. You have the capacity for love, it can happen again.

I hope it doesn't sound too evangelistic, it's just I did it after losing DH and being in a "big black hole" of despair!

Without sounding rude what you describe sounds like a childish infatuation, Google limmerence. What makes you think that it was love? Because you felt so happy and high? That's not love, it's infatuation and it fades in most relationships. Whiles I agree you need somebody who you fancy too, I don't agree that those feelings are true love.

I don't mean to dictate here, or force my opinion. However I gave felt those feelings a few times, with my fiancé too. They do however come and go in the later stages of a relationship, but what comes after is beautiful. True love as your so happy and grateful about the real person in front of you, not the projections created by infatuation.

Now I think back to when I first met my fiancé , it was all butterflies, excitement, lust etc. The real love came when he picked me up from my lows, when he was there for me- when I felt true gratitude for the impact he had on my life. Of course we still have chemistry, but it ebbs and flows with the pressures of life.

Infatuation tends to happen In a little bubble. You don't let each other in enough to see each others flaws, you show your best, you don't worry about who puts the rubbish out, who gets upto see to the baby, who pays the bills etc. So it feels more alive, but in reality most people need more then excitement.

I blame romance like 50 Shades, it warps people's minds into chasing rainbows!

I had something similar after my 12 year stale relationship ended and felt much like you did, OP. I wonder if it is common in a rebound relationship?

oh, well thanks for that missquerty

Hi Vicar
Sorry to hear you're feeling so down... I can kind of relate. Why do you still have to see him? Do you work together? Do you have family around or friends? Children to keep you busy and focused?

It's really tough. But it gets easier, I promise x

i just have to see him, no choice in that.

no family here. kids grown up so they are doing their own thing and dont live with me.

i hope it does get better. i really do.