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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It turns out he has a girlfriend.

47 replies

youaretooyoung97 · 13/02/2015 12:54

Long story short: I was with my (now ex) fiancé for 3 and a half years before I met this other guy. But when 'new guy' came on the scene, my whole world started to change. He made the world a happier and more beautiful place for me. I was seeing sunshine where I once saw clouds and I really started to learn to love who I was when I was with 'new guy'.
Obviously this effected my relationship with my fiancé. I was spending less time with him, feeling less for him and arguing more with him... And honestly, it was me who ended up giving up fighting for our relationship.

Anyway, new guy was there to comfort me and we've been seeing each other for about four months maybe? We ended up sleeping together and it's now come about that he has a girlfriend.
I let my walls down for new guy and let him in. I love him 100% and I love who I am when I'm with him 100%... He even says he loves me. But he won't tell his girlfriend about us or leave her... I don't want to be his bit on the side, but I don't want to be nothing to him, either.

What do I say? What do I do?

I've been driving myself in circles for 2 weeks now. I just need some advice. I need to make the right decision and be confident with it.

Girly chat is needed!

OP posts:

babbityann · 13/02/2015 13:22

People are getting confused OP. Please clarify the facts so we canhelp /advise you! If you are only 17 this is all very worrying.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2015 13:22

If they were together 3.5 years with the ex fiancÃ© and have sinced moved on I don't think the OP can be 17..... unless they're from Arkansas,....

brightreddress · 13/02/2015 13:23

But seriously, ditch this two-timing guy now. If you need further convincing just think of the other person/people he's shagging: Bleurgh. It doesn't matter that the glass is half full if it's only full of someone else's backwash.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/02/2015 13:23

Walk away. Really. This will only end badly with him because he is taking the piss.

And work on loving yourself when you are on you own, without someone to validate it. Have fun!

tribpot · 13/02/2015 13:27

Shit got real.

I suspect this guy loves the chase, and flattered you into believing it was more than that. He's played on your low self-esteem to convince you you can only feel worthy if you're with him and it's clouding your judgement.

You had an emotional affair whilst you were with your fiance, don't kid yourself. And you clearly barely know this guy if you were unaware of his girlfriend.

Do yourself a massive favour and don't settle for being his bit on the side, waiting in lovesickness to see if he'll ever leave the gf. He won't. All the time you're doing that, not only are you disrespecting yourself but you're also preventing yourself from moving on and finding someone who can love you properly. It's lose-lose.

coolaschmoola · 13/02/2015 13:30

Cog I teach 16-19 year olds nowhere near Arkansas, in Lincolnshire to be precise.... You'd be astounded just how many people that age have been together years and are engaged.

thatsn0tmyname · 13/02/2015 13:30

I'm really sorry that this has happened. You need to say goodbye and not look back. The only bright side is that it showed your fiance wasn't the right person for you either. Spend a period of time being single and focussing on yourself.

Pancakeflipper · 13/02/2015 13:31

He's a player. He'll have done this plenty of times.

You cannot trust him, he was never up front about a 3yr relationship so when you just friends with him he was holding back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2015 13:33

Lincolnshire and Arkansas do have a lot in common.

YouAreMyRain · 13/02/2015 13:36

The grass is always greener...

Go NC with this guy who is someone else's boyfriend. As PP said, avoid relationships until you love yourself when you are by yourself and try to develop some kind of a twunt-o-meter before you even talk to another man.

ThinkFirst · 13/02/2015 13:47

Never base your self worth on a man!

He does not love you. Why do you want to be something to a man who lied about having a long term girlfriend, watched you fall in love with him and leave your fiance for him. He strung you along while he knew full well that he was not going to leave his gf for you. Didn't have the decency to tell you that he would not commit to you even while you were breaking up your relationship to be with him.

He's shown you what kind of man he is, even if he breaks up with his gf you know what he is capable of. Walk away.

coolaschmoola · 13/02/2015 13:49

Cogito Fair one

MaudeLebowski · 13/02/2015 13:50

The OP is definitely 17. I was a uni with a couple who got married in third year, having been together since 11.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/02/2015 13:51

11? It's no wonder Jeremy Kyle has a steady pool of applicants.

brightreddress · 13/02/2015 13:53

Hilarious thread.

CatKitten · 13/02/2015 13:59

But he won't tell his girlfriend about us or leave her... I don't want to be his bit on the side, but I don't want to be nothing to him, either.

But you ARE his bit on the side!! And have been for a while by all accounts.

If you really like him, you only have one option and that is to sit him down, tell him that you like him/love him very much and see a future with him. BUT that you are not prepared to be a mistress or second fiddle so if he wants to see you, he needs to break up with her and until then you don't want to have anything to do with him. And mean it.

You never know... he may be wanting you to force his hand and you may get want you want. But you may not so have to be prepared for him to stay with her.

Either way, you will be in a better position than you are in now. The longer you leave it, the more used to this horrible situation you will become and it will get harder and harder to leave. Before you know it you'll have been a "mistress"/"OW" for years.

Life's too short. Rip the plaster off now.

GoatsDoRoam · 13/02/2015 14:08

If you're 17, then great: it will hurt like hell, but you've just had your first lesson in how players work.

It will stand you in good stead.

A man who gets emotionally close to you when one or both of you is not available, is a player.
A man who does not reveal that he has a girlfriend while he is busy reeling you in, is a player.
A man who dumps you / reveals his unavailability as soon as you ask for commitment, is a player.

Avoid such men. You will meet more of them, but each time you'll be able to react a little quicker, and heal a little faster.

And also, treat your own relationships with more respect, in future: you did not kiss or shag this other man while you were still seeing your ex-boyfriend, but you were having an emotional affair. When you have respect and consideration for a partner, you do not turn to another person who makes your heart sing, and spend more and more time with them, and confide in them, and share with them the emotional intimacy that is normally shared within a couple.

BreakingDad77 · 13/02/2015 14:15

goatsdoroam has said all you need to know

happywanderingwithdog · 13/02/2015 14:24

Wow, he's a charmer. And the woman he won't leave for you is his girlfriend, not even his wife! So he's not even bothered to commit to her. Have they got kids? Ffs don't give this twat the satisfaction of telling him you love him, you'll just be playing into his hands. It's just one long ego boost for him, fuck your feelings and fuck the feelings of the girlfriend he 'loves'. Run for the hills and don't look back.

BuzzardBird · 13/02/2015 14:30

How did you happen upon MN OP? Did you come here solely for help or advise?

What would you have liked the answer to be?

firesidechat · 13/02/2015 15:22

The OP is definitely 17.

Was this sarcasm Maude because I usually get sarcasm.

If not, how do you know this?

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2015 15:59

You should have dumped him as soon as he told you about the GF. He's in the wrong for deceiving you but you're in the wrong for carrying on and hoping he'd leave his GF.

You could have when you found out he had a GF broken it off and said to him "if you're interested and if you break up with the GF then find me". But of course this brings up trust issues. Personally I would not want to be with a man who'd cheated on his GF and with sex.

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