No friends, no family and now no job and no DP. Support please

[Craggs]

NC.
Will try to keep brief.

Been working for DP in his business for the last 4 years. The relationship has been very strained because of external stress for the last 2+ years. The last few months though it's just been getting worse and I don't think either of us were really happy.

We had a work-related row yesterday morning and it totally blew out of proportion. After 24 hours of silence between us, we've seen each other this evening and it's over. I think we both still love each other but I also think we both felt some relief too, as I said, it's been tough lately and not what a good relationship should be.

I now find myself without a job. We absolutely can't continue to work together under these circumstances.
Financially I think I'll be ok for about 3 months. I'll work my finances out tomorrow or soon, when I feel a bit more up to it.
I won't be eligible for JSA because I've either resigned or been sacked, whichever way you look at it.
I'm absolutely terrified at the prospect of trying to find a job, I have very little confidence and i'm in my early 50's, there's no work out there for my age group. I'm petrified of interviews and I haven't really got any job skills as i've just done basic admin jobs during my marriage and since my divorce.

I don't have any family and over the last 10 years or so I've lost all my friends, either during my divorce or through people moving etc. I did have a few acquaintances that were DP's friends but there's nobody I can turn to for support.

I need a job and I need some friends. I'm not bothered about finding a new partner. There is literally nobody that I can call tomorrow to talk to about this.

I feel very alone and very scared at the moment and have no idea how I'm going to cope. I don't know what to do.

Sorry to hear you feel very alone and scared at the moment. That overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope is horrible - and it always seems worse when there is more than one factor.

But you say you and DP haven't been happy for a while and that there is some relief on both parts that it has come to a head.

Problems always seem worse and we have a tendency to heap them on top of each other when we are down. You have just split up with your DP so please be gentle on yourself. You need to both take practical steps as well as address how you are feeling emotionally about it all.

You say you haven't got any job skills but you are doing yourself a disservice there. Basic admin skills are a good skill to have and much needed everywhere. Please don't sell yourself yourself short. Go to your local library, get out books on interview tips or look online if you prefer. There is a lot of free guidance out there. I don't think employers only go for younger age groups either, a lot of them like people with experience and who are older. I know its not easy but try to focus on the positives. You were unhappy and now you are going through a big change but you can steer it to your advantage, not saying it won't be difficult at times. Do you have somewhere to live? I know it sounds like a cliche but when I moved to a new area alone after a split, I joined some local groups - I was nervous, I felt I would be too old and at first I felt like the 'outsider' but eventually I just became part of the group and met new people. It can be done. Don't try to tackle everything at once, take small steps if you can and you will feel more able to cope that way. There are lots of people out there feeling alone (so the only reason I say this is to say don't feel you are alone!)

So sorry, but I hope you treat it like another job.
If you are "sacked" is it justifiable? Or would it normally require a proper financial agreement?

Would your ex be willing to say you've been made redundant? I hope things look up for you soon x

Botanic yes I do think this is for the best for both of us. Good advice there thank you.

Lweji, he'll definitely pay me in full at the end of this month. I wouldn't want to work with him now as it would be completely impossible for us both. I'm not sure where I would stand if we can come to an agreement and call it a "redundancy". I just know I won't get JSA for 26 weeks.

x post Raising, yes I think he may, but I'll need to wait a few days till we've both calmed down before I approach him about it. He won't be unkind or try to leave me short, I'm sure about that.

Whereabouts are you? I'm willing to be a friend

I am so sorry to read your story. My partner moved down to live with me, he decided to leave his job and had an offer locally to me. That fell through, and he joined an agency. It is not ideal but could you do that even if it is just short term? It would be some money coming in. Re friends, it is not easy, but try and find a local group or church? Also, if you need to, call the Samaritans. I have done so more than once in the past just to talk things through. I wish you well and will follow this thread.

This sounds very tough but you also sound like a resourceful person. to you for this hard time.

Sounds like you need a job where you are really part of the team so that there is a ready-made social life straight away. Admittedly it has always taken me a long time to make friends at work and I haven't often found that they crossed over into 'social' friends but it has happened a couple of times.

You are an experienced administrator and I bet there is a good job out there for you. I think the agency route is a good one. If you google your local council and 'careers advice' you may find that there is still a careers advice service around - or you may not as many have been cut but they should still have some resources. They could perhaps help with advice on your CV.

I found that having a dog was very social - I met lots of local dog owning neighbours - but also limiting in some ways as I couldn't leave the dog! also because the dog was a tricky personality (rescue) and needed a more experienced dog owner. It's an option though if you do like animals and lots of exercise.

Craggs

A little left of field but have you considered taking up a live-in domestic job such as a housekeeper or caretaker? There are quite a few around and that would provide you with an immediate place to go/live and give you some breathing space.

Have a look at meetup.com for activities or groups in your area that you may enjoy.

Get your cv up to date and upload it to some of the top jobsites like reed. Make sure you include key words in your current experience. Look at the kind of jobs you'd be interested in to see the key words. I'm sure someone on mumsnet can give you some advice on your cv if you need it.
As for interview technique, look at videos on YouTube and google interview questions and answers. You'll find tips on what the top interview questions are and how to answer them.
Good luck!

You will get jsa as a single person if you meet the other criteria. The only automatic sanction is sacking for gross misconduct and even that's disputable. You have to show good cause for leaving, I don't think anyone would argue that. They usually write to employer to ask why you left, if you were employed by the business they just have to say they let you go through no fault of their own, if self employed you don't even necessarily have to go that route. The only iffy bit would be if you live together.

Where are you in the country OP? I'm sure there will be some Mumsneters near you able to offer support and advice. Dont think of yourself as past it or only having admin skills - they are valuable skills.

just a couple of quick answers as I've got an appointment at 8.30.

I'm in the north west, and I do have my own house.

I'll be back later, thanks to everyone who's replied.

I'm North West (Manchester), I'll be your friend

You could always cast your eye over the MN Jobs Board if you get 10 minutes. You never know.

Craggs - . First thing to say is that right now you're doing GREAT. I can hear how scared you are and how upset in your post, but you are taking an amazingly clearsighted and positive attitude towards this. You sound fantastic!

Second: I definitely recommend you look into the technical details JSA thing and get the best possible settlement from your partner, even if this means agreeing that you were made redundant rather than sacked or whatever. It is imperative that you have whatever safety net you are entitled to in these circumstances (the inhumanity of a system that would treat your circumstances as 'leaving voluntarily' leaves me speechless).

Thirdly: when a little time has passed and you are less raw, have a think about what you REALLY want in life. You say you've only ever done admin work, but you write with huge clarity and precision. You are clearly wasted in rubbish jobs! I seriously, seriously recommend that you stop putting yourself down and start thinking about following your dreams. Without a partner and a crap job, you have time and space to get a new qualification in just about anything you choose - why not grab that opportunity now? The course would also be a chance for you to meet people with similar interests and aspirations, and thus make new friends.

I'm such a mess today, every time I come back to the thread to post some replies, I end up in tears because you're all being so kind.

Voluntary work can be a good way of getting out and about, mixing with people and making yourself feel valued. Always good for a cv too, do you have some volunteer agencies near, or some hospitals, schools, care homes etc you could ask?

If you own your own house, can you rent out a room or two? Even if you have to make a lounge into a bedroom for yourself to free up an extra bedroom it will bring in some immediate money.

Look at Spareroom.co.uk for advice and a place to advertise.

I am so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation.

IME the best thing to do is get signed up with a couple of employment agencies. I have a friend who is in a very similar situation - in her 50s with a long term health condition that makes it very difficult to get a long term job via the normal application/interview process.

She has had several interesting and not-so-interesting agency jobs over the last couple of years. Enough money coming in, new people to meet, and a reasonable portfolio of experience to put on her CV. She has been offered permanent positions with 2 companies, but didn't enjoy the work enough to take them up on it.

She has done various jobs for the local council, a local haulage firm, a sixth form college - mostly reception/typing/ sort of work - things she is overqualified for, but it is better than sitting in the house.

good luck OP.

I am so pleased to hear you have your own house / home.

First up - is there a way you can use that to strengthen your financial position? Take a lodger? Maybe someone who wants a weekday place as a commuter?

Secondly, as others have said - someone who has admin skills and is flexible and has a 'Can Do' attitude is invaluable. Set yourself up as an informal temp - drop nice little cards around any places you know or frequent - even contacts from your DP's business who might know you - announce your freelance status. Drop them at your hairdresser, your dentist, any school contacts you have, local voluntary organisations - places that might want short term cover on Reception or for admin and prefer not to or can't afford agency temps. I would prefer to employ someone more mature in that scenario.

Really sorry that you have had such an upset - but from now on the friends you make (and you will!) will be YOUR friends, and any successes will be in your arena, not your P's.

Also, the Guardian Soulmates page has a 'friends' section, for example.