Just when you think!!

[3211123]

Been divorced over 20 years, brought up 2 children saw them through University, they are settled with families of their own, everything works out. Or so you would think. The ex was not a nice man, but at the time I had no job and no where to go so I stayed and tried to make the best of things and I was afraid. The time came, I left, it was hard but somehow got through, finally met someone who has turned my life around and is very kind and has tired to heal my scars.
The issue now is the ex has been diagnosed with an age related illness of his own misuse of substances, and my children are left to try to pick up the pieces. This is causing a lot of upset and they are now blaming me for everything that has happened, I know they are angry and have carried this anger for years for the horrid way their father was. He has no where to live has stuffed up everything he has put has hand to and his addiction has made him a burden on the children and it has just brought back every feeling I thought was gone, and I hate him with a passion, but I do not understand why my adult children are so angry at me for trying to make a marriage work, this hurts, as I tried as a mum and do what was right at the time.
Anyone out there got a kind word?

Children can be very black and white about things. They don't see 'mum trying to make a go of it for our sakes...' they might see 'all those years we were stuck with the old bastard when she could have ended it'.

That said, as adults they could try to be a little more understanding. Do they know the full uncensored story?

Yes, they do

There's a pretty perennial debate on this board as to whether 'staying together for the sake of the kids' is more or less damaging than divorce. It may not be a representative sample but generally the responses from people who were the children of a toxic marriage, held together 'for their sakes', are pretty negative and often resentful. Where the marriage was not only toxic but abusive, there is a lot of blame attached to the parent who didn't get them out... even hostility.

You can't change the past and you acted with the best intentions. You can only acknowledge their unhappiness and help where you can.

Are they angry at you for not leaving him sooner? Poor you. What a hard situation. What have they said to you? They sound scared and hurt and are taking it out on you because you are the one who was always there for them amd love them no matter what.

Of course, timing could be a factor. I'm speculating now but they might be interpreting it that you only washed your hands of the man once they were in a position to take up the burden.... compounding the childhood problems.

Thanks to you all and everyone of you have spoken some truth, yes they are angry at me for not leaving sooner, and I have known this for a while and to be honest I have spoken with them about this over the years and thought they understood, seems I was wrong about that as well.

Yes it has been mentioned that I have a nice life (and I do,now) and it is left to them to put up and deal with a person they hate but also feel a duty towards.

I am grateful for the support, but mindful that of one my children uses this website so I am trying to be careful not to give away too much.

I shall read the thread from cogitoerosometimes, thanks for all your words, just goes to show that no matter how old we may get that words of support can always be welcomed.