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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is this the end?

25 replies

patch123 · 12/02/2015 18:48

My partner has no children or child experience. .. I am divorced with two boys. He was integrating fine and then suddenly its all gone wrong and we are back to how we were when we met, him only coming round when the boys are at their Dads and not staying over. He says he loves me but can't handle the boys. He has no idea about children and is mostly mumbling under his breath, rolling his eyes at the way they are (ie: just being boys) or judging and critising me. BUT when he chooses, he can be amazing with them. I asked him on Sunday if this is what he wants, he replied "I don't know" but still insists he loves me and them and wants it to work. Am I wasting my time?

OP posts:

Pastmyduedate0208 · 12/02/2015 18:50

If it's that much effort for him to be with your children he sounds like a manchild!
Prob is the end unless he gets over himself.

LineRunner · 12/02/2015 18:51

Probably. He needs to be in it for the long haul, and it sounds like he doesn't really have it in him.

Some people just don't.

MatildaTheCat · 12/02/2015 18:52

Yes, sorry but I think you are. You come as a family package. If you want a full time relationship then he's not your man.

Cut your losses.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2015 18:53

well, yes hopefully

this can't be a long term thing surely...will you have to lock your boys in a cupboard if you move in together ?

DontDrinkandFacebook · 12/02/2015 18:53

If the relationship is good then can't it just continue as it is, with him seeing you when they are not there? He doesn't care about them and I'm damn sure they don't care about him either. It's only you who feels that you should all manage to be one happy family. Why?

There is no real need to turn him into stepfather of the year if he's uncomfortable with it, and it's never a good idea to try to make someone into something they are not. Just enjoy it for what it is, and don't inflict him on your children and vice versa.

Original poster

patch123 · 12/02/2015 19:02

I don't want some part time boyfriend who can't be around my boys. I want a settled family life with someone who is relaxed and happy and, as the others said, I come as a three, not a single woman. I sort of know in my heart its wrong but actually the boys have grown to like and accept him so feel I should try for them

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 12/02/2015 19:06

Well, its not really for you to "try for them", is it? It's his choice and if he doesn't want to there's nothing you can do.

It must feel tough though. I'm sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 19:07

It's always sad when you meet someone who ticks nearly all the boxes only to realise that the box he doesn't tick is not negotiable. Boyfriends come and go, DCs are for life. Best not to waste more time if you want someone that is compatible with your family

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 19:07

DontDrinkandFacebook · 12/02/2015 19:09

Why should you 'try for them'? they don't care either way, they already have a father.

Original poster

patch123 · 12/02/2015 19:13

I know. It is tough but I'm sure I'd be fine. Just rubbish timing as about to turn 40, divorce about to final and I'll be alone [sad)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 12/02/2015 19:14

"try for them" ?

your boyfriend can't stand them

ditch this on eif you want a family man, there are lots of men who are a much better prospect than this one if that's what you want

DontDrinkandFacebook · 12/02/2015 19:15

But you are not alone - you already have your children and you can continue to have a relationship with him if you want to. Why the desperate need to fuse the two together?

Original poster

patch123 · 12/02/2015 19:25

Because why would I have a relationship with a man who wants to pretend my boys don't exist?? I love my children very much and love spending time with them. I don't want to live two seperate lives. Think I just answered my original question myself....

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 12/02/2015 19:26

I think that someone not accepting my children would be a non starter for me

But

If me and dh ever split I would like the set up you have now. No one playing dad to my dc, having my own home, financial independence with a bit of love thrown in on the side........

But you don't want that and therefore there's no point in accepting it as in the long term it will make you unhappy.

tipsytrifle · 12/02/2015 19:27

Just what I was thinking DontDrinkandFacebook. Is there any rush about any of this, patch? Maybe he just needs to back off a little, gather his thoughts? Big change for his lifestyle, after all. He didn't have the whole conception and anticipation time, the birthing and all that follows. He's kind of in at the deep end and while it seems he has coped admirably, perhaps he's just drowning a bit too?

tipsytrifle · 12/02/2015 19:29

patch is he really pretending your boys don't exist? If so then of course let him go. If this is a recent development after apparently "integrating well" then perhaps there needs to be more discussion?

DontDrinkandFacebook · 12/02/2015 19:29

How long have you been together?

Original poster

patch123 · 12/02/2015 21:00

Been friends 5yrs, together 2 and a bit. But he's always been a bit selfush and cautious as never had a relationship and he's 34

OP posts:

bettyboop1970 · 12/02/2015 22:49

Your children must be paramount, if he can't accept them then you can't have a relstionship with him.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 13/02/2015 03:58

Well I must be in the minority because it all sounds ideal to me. Bringing a new stepfather into the house on a permanent basis is always fraught with challenges, especially if your children are boys. It rarely goes completely smoothly and it's often a total disaster. If someone's expressing doubts about it then even if he's prepared to try for your sake it's unlikely to be plain sailing.

If it were me I'd be perfectly happy with a long term boyfriend who didn't live with me so that I could keep those two parts of my life separate and uncomplicated.

AnyFucker · 13/02/2015 06:42

DontDrink it might sound ideal to you, but it's not what the OP is looking for

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2015 07:50

You wrote this earlier:-

"I sort of know in my heart its wrong but actually the boys have grown to like and accept him so feel I should try for them"

Try for them?. This is the worst reason to keep on trying, its puts a burden on them that they should not have. They probably like him only because they like seeing their mother happy. It is better to be alone than to be badly accompanied and you have been badly accompanied. You also indeed do not want two separate lives.

"Been friends 5yrs, together 2 and a bit. But he's always been a bit selfush and cautious as never had a relationship and he's 34"

Selfish, never been in a relationship and he is now 34. Some red flags there I think. I would end this for your sake now before you become even more emotionally invested and or hurt.

Seth · 13/02/2015 08:02

Have pm'd you Patch.

Handywoman · 13/02/2015 15:23

Oh yes, selfish, can't be doing with your kids and never been in a relationship til 34 - red flags here: he is not moving-in material. If it's run its course, let him go.....

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