Last ditch effort - how will we know?

[meoryou]

Hello All ....

After a very fraught then years of marriage, my husband and I have stared separation in the face. I feel though that we can give it one last push .. trouble is I realise improvements need to be measured somehow in order for us both to be clear about expectations/behaviour.

I've literally no idea where to start .. it feels too business-like but how else will he know when he's consistently no longer being a prat and I am consistently no longer being a doormat?

I am currently in CBT which is helping me with my assertiveness and ability to articulate what I want/would like. I know that wont necessarily change anything from his pov.

I guess I am trying to figure out if this time it will be different? Will he keep his promises to respect, cherish and be considerate of me? And of course I of him ... although that's not really in dispute between us

Any suggestions?

I was in a similar situation at the beginning of last summer - we said one more try (probably for about the 100th time tho!).

Things did improve but like you say it is hard to measure. He did still behave on occasion in the way he knew I found unacceptable - but he recognised it quickly and apologised (previously there could have been weeks of denial/silence) and, becuase we were both "making and effort", I accepted his apologies and appeared to have moved past it.

He was constantly congratulating himself (and expecting me to agree) on how well he was doing and I was silently seething that he was still behaving in the same way albeit on a lesser scale.

Anyway you may have noticed I'm typing in past tense as ultimately it wasn't enough and we seperated. The last straw for me was relatively minor compared to other things I'd put up with but I knew as soon as it happened that was that.

So in answer to the "how will we know" question - when you know, you know!!

If you are setting expectations and goals for the relationship, set them as specific and measurable things.

"He should help around the house more" is subjective.
"He agrees to prepare the kids' dinners every weekend" is objective.

Emotional behaviour can also be measured like this.
Instead of "Don't be mean to me", lay out the behaviour that is unacceptable.
"When we disagree, he agrees that he will not raise his voice or swear. We will discuss things in a mutually respectful way."

This might sound very practical and non-romantic and maybe a bit cold, but the only way you can ensure you are on the same page is to make every agreement measureable.

I don't think the question is how will "we" know, but how will you know.

If you're constantly going to be monitoring his behaviour, you're on a hiding to nothing: what kind of life is that? No: you tell him once what he does that is unacceptable to you, and then you let him get on with monitoring his own behaviour, if he chooses to.

What you need is your own personal benchmark: for example how much more time you're willing to stick around before you see the change you need to see.

Agree with the PP. The only test you should apply is your own test of acceptability. If he falls short for any reason whatsoever then that's when you know it didn't work. The assertiveness you need is the confidence to say enough's enough. Shouldn't be a handicap that you're not good at confrontation. A decent partner wouldn't exploit it. A relationship where both of the people in it have to make personality changes in order for it to work is not a compatible relationship.

very helpful comments thank you.. im finding it difficult to see things straight and fear a muddled and confusing year is ahead of me.

I don't want to monitor his behaviour - its exhausting. I suppose I fear a future with him more than without!

Pocketsaviour thank you for the examples of goals/standards --- pretty much what I was thinking of but couldn't articulate!

There is a book someone recommended to me on here called Boundaries in marriage by Cloud and Townsend which may help.

thanks Green