Who do you talk to?

[Bunnielish]

Struggling with quite a few problems at the moment, but don't know who to discuss them with. I haven't really had any close friends since I met my DH 12 years ago. We have what some would call a 'clingy' marriage.
My 16 year old DD (eldest of 5) moved out last September because she hates my DH (sadly the feeling is mutual), my father died in November after a decade long illness, suffering with Dementia (I was his carer for 8 years) and even though giving up my full time job 3 years ago was/is better for our family, I'm still struggling with the massive inequality that has come about in my marriage.
I'm aware that some of my feelings of helplessness are probably related to mild depression, but since drugs can't change circumstances, I don't understand how they could ever work.
I'm reasonably close to my sister, but hate the thought of picking up the phone and plunging into all my 'problems'. Obviously she knows about the first 2, but I've never spoken to her about DH. Seems a bit taboo, moaning about your marriage, doesn't it?

Counsellor. That's what they're there for. You can offload and if they are good, they will help you get things in perspective and move on with things. Plus nobody in RL will know about stuff you would rather keep private.

You can talk here. Where has your 16 year old gone to live? Why doesn't she like your dh? Is he her real father?

What is he doing to you that you don't like?

I worry about a family where a child gets to 16 and not only hates but is hated by her own father. I worry that a 'clingy' and unequal marriage actually means one with a lot of restrictions and unhappiness.

Yes do talk to your sister. I think there's more to this story and you need to start articulating it

You can talk on here or with a counsellor. However, probably the first person sounds like it could be your sister. You say you feel close to her, and if it was the other way round, would you want her to come to you?

Is it possible you can arrange to meet up to chat rather than over the phone? I would find that easier, whether I was you or your sister.

The person I would go to would be my best friend. I think I would also feel that I was burdening her, but know that she would want me to turn to her and I would always be there for her.

Has your dd and your dh always been at loggerheads or did they used to get on?

Even worse.... your DD is 16, you've been with him 12 years. So he's not her birth father and yet he's driven your own child out of her own family and her own home? Have you actually chosen him over her?

I tend to talk to my sister the most. I do also have a close colleague who I can have a moan to when things get bad.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It must have taken a real toll on you to care for him so long. Dementia is an awful illness and it's not surprising that you're still dealing with feeling low now.

You said that you gave up work a few years ago. Could you see yourself returning? As I sense you are feeling quite isolated and work can be such a good place to meet people - even if you don't find a particular friend, it can be nice just being around people.

I don't have any close friends either, but that is out of choice. I tend to offload by writing my thoughts down and that helps me work out my own problems independently. I have never really felt that talking over my problems has ever helped me, because people tend to project their own experiences so often give advice based on their own situation rather than what is suitable for me. An objective counsellor I think is better than family members or a friend, but they also have their own baggage and I've had some odd responses from them on certain issues.

Sorry to hear about your dad. There are specialist counselling services for bereavement (Cruse I think?) which might be helpful.

I spoke to a counsellor years ago, when my first relationship broke down. I stopped them after a while because I felt that each session just made me rehash all the negative stuff; I just used to sit there and bawl and would feel awful at the end of each session.
My DH isn't the father of my 2 eldest children but they were barely 2 and not yet 4 when we moved in together. Neither of them see their dad and life was fairly uncomplicated until my eldest finished primary. Both girls had a good, loving relationship with DH until then (my 14 year old still does), but my eldest is currently rewriting history, claiming this was never the case, even though I have a million photos and home videos to say otherwise.
She now lives 100 yards away, with the village Guide Leader and says she's happier there, but her loneliness is palpable, especially at the weekends when she phones for her sisters' company. I'm obviously not happy, feel it's weird and that I've failed as a mum. Definitely not something I've shared in the school playground.
We meet for coffee/chat once a week but I find it hard. Feel like a neutered parent, unsure of my role in her life. Just trying to keep the communication lines open really; she knows I love her, so that at least is good.
My marriage has probably become so unequal because I've let it. Some of DH's suggestions seem reasonable/logical but become irritating over time. He earns a lot of money and has given me a credit card to use, but if I want cash I have to ask. He chooses the cars; they're very nice, but a waste of money in my opinion (rowed about this one for years). Most annoying bit is 'they're too nice to depreciate' for volunteer work (we live in a pretty rural area). He can see exactly how long I spend online and asks what I've done at home each day. Doesn't want me to work/train to teach. Thinks it's better for me to tutor our kids/concentrate on the house. Etc

Sorry for the long and boring post.

I'm really worried about your eldest DD. Why has she left precisely? Why do you think she would rewrite history? Why is she so angry with her step father? Wny is she so angry with you? Does she have some kind of history of malicious behaviour? It is very, very unusual for children to divorce themselves from a family unless there has been a serious crisis.

OP that sounds like a horrible way to live, with your DH monitoring and controlling every aspect of your life. Why won't he give you cash? Is it because then he would not know what you were spending it on? I'm not surprised you are depressed. I feel for your DD too if things have got so bad she felt she couldn't stay at home any more.

Sounds like your DH is jealous and controlling. He doesn't let you work right? Was he trying to control your DD? Is that maybe why she left?

I make him sound horrible - he's not, but I let him control to many things and I loathe confrontation. It's not that he wouldn't give me any money - I hate shopping anyway - he's very generous and would give me what I asked for. I think the reason he gives me a credit card is so that I don't drip feed it constantly to the kids. He may have a point, but I think I deserve a trial. :-)
Going to have a chat face to face with my sister next week; she has loads of friends, so can probably give my some perspective.
As far as DH and my DD go, they are very similar in personality. Neither want to come to the negotiation table and don't like keeping to life's 'rules'
My Dd especially seems particularly gifted at sidestepping problems or consequences e.g. Refused to do any more chores for pocket money at 13 by getting jobs outside home; got a caution for shoplifting but these have all been revoked for underage kids; avoided a consequence by inventing a recurring bout of unconsciousness that necessitated a harrowing trip (with a very worried DH) to A&E; didn't want to live at home until Uni, got herself benefits and moved round the corner with no need to do any part time work like a normal teen.
I seem to get 'in trouble' for the tiniest things, like if my youngest scoots for 1 metre in the playground. Plenty of others seem invisible, though. Some people are just more bullet proof than others I guess.

Bunnie - you seem to have a negative cycle of so many complex issues swirling round your head, that it is overwhelming you, making you anxious so you feel you can't cope.

Maybe start to think about reversing the cycle, to build your confidence and regain your esteem. You sound like an articulate person who has a lot to give, yet you minimise yourself by saying things like "getting into trouble" for things, and apologising for 'long boring posts' - you deserve to be kinder to yourself

I'd suggest before meeting your sister, can you find 30 mins to sit and reflect calmly by yourself. Give yourself head-space to start to untangle your thoughts and concerns. It may help to:-

• write down a list of all the things worrying you;

• Ask yourself if there are any things in your control that you can start to change. Your comment My marriage has probably become so unequal because I've let it springs to mind! Think about how you can become equal partners in your marriage.....

When you talk with your sister, you can focus the 'critical few' things, and come away feeling you have achieved something. Maybe your GP can refer you for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) talking sessions - I think you would find them very helpful.

OP,

First of all, please see your GP and get those anti-depressants. Of course they don't work miracles, and they can't change circumstances. What they will do, however, is to take the acute edge off the pain. Which will buy you valuable emotional resources to deal with the tremendously difficult things life is throwing at you.

Secondly, please do see a counsellor. You have so much going on, and it sounds as though you've become understandably passive and disempowered in the face of it all. I think speaking to a professional will REALLY help you to see where you can take action productively, and where you have to accept circumstances that you can't change (and deal with the emotions that this creates). I think if you are able to distinguish between those two things, you may see that there are solutions to your problems with your DH that you perhaps haven't considered to date.

FWIW, your DH sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. I am not surprised that you feel a sense of disempowerment around someone who checks up on your online activities and restricts your access to income. I think your DD sounds like the teenager of an overly controlling parent, to be honest. It concerns me that you say that you disbelieve her when she says that she doesn't feel loved by your DH, and that your photos and videos 'prove' that she is wrong - you seem to be denying her her own point of view in the issue, and I wonder why you are not listening more carefully given your own experience of control by your DH. On the upside, personally, I would take some pride in the resourceful way that she has found her way around issues like household chores even if she has been a bit selfish in the process (and what teenager isn't?). Her resilience doesn't diminish the fact that she is just 16, though, and really needs her mum.

i think your dh is doing a form ofemotional abuse on you. treating you like a child

Thanks for your responses.
I agree there's a lot of stuff to sort out. Too much for my poor sis to take in one sitting, although she would if I wanted her to.
I will try the Counsellor route again, albeit just to offload, like suggested. Who should I try?
Think I'm too scared to go to my GP about pills. Depression is such a dirty word in the UK, I worry that I'd never get a job in the private sector again. Not sure how the public sector views it as I've never worked in that, but I'm sure they ask to see your medical records too.
DH and I got life assurance last year and they crawled up my bottom over my 'low mood' visit to GP, 3 years ago. Got accepted though.
I agree I shouldn't dismiss my Dd feelings about DH, just wanted to make the point that it wasn't always so - I don't think many young children fake affection for other people do they?
And yes my DH was the first born (only) son of strict parents with high expectations. Mine were also strict (and elderly) but just expected me to marry, not bother with a PhD. Grrrr!