I'm so tired of this.

[TheBookofRuth]

I've always had a close - maybe too close? - relationship with my mother. We get along well most of the time but every few months she will lose her temper with me - and her temper is horrible, I'm 36 and it still scares me - and we'll have a row. She won't back down till I'm sobbing out apologies for whatever it is I've done to make her angry.

She's been staying with me for the past couple of days, ostensibly to help out as DH is away. We had planned to go clothes shopping this morning while DD is at nursery. First she decided she wanted a lie in - fair enough - then spent over an hour getting herself ready. When she came down, I pointed out that we wouldn't have time to do much shopping before I had to collect DD, as I want to have a shower too.

She completely lost it and has walked out of the house. Apparently I am being completely unreasonable wanting to have a shower when she's got things she wants to do.

I'm so tired of this. I just don't know why she thinks it's acceptable to speak to me the way she does. She lashes out like she hates me, and then makes it into my fault for upsetting her.

You can choose how much she is in your life, you know?
One tip is to try and think why she behaves like this. This way you get some distance and become less emotionally involved.

Ok, she has walked out of the house. Get on with your life, don't apologise or reach out. If she talks about what happened just tell her that next time, when you set a time to get out, for example, you will leave at that time. She can choose to join you or not.
And instead of replying to what she says, ask her exactly why she thinks it's acceptable to speak to you like that.

I know it's a hard thing to do, but you have to ignore this behaviour as best you can. My mother is a longterm grudge-holder and sulker, and she seems quite proud of it. Many have commented that, while she does definitely hold grudges against me (many of them!) she doesn't dare sulk or even mention the grudges because as soon as she does I either take her to task on them (which she is incapable of handling) just entirely ignore her. I am perfectly open to a grown-up conversation about anything that's bothering her, but I will absolutely not put up with sulking or storming or any childish behaviour.

The sad result is that I live far away from her and don't talk to her much. But my life is much less stressful and I can deal with her on my own terms.

In your shoes I would let her have her strop for today and when she comes back act like nothing's happened. If she brings it up you say "you're welcome to leave my house if you find my behaviour upsetting but I will not be spoken to like a child. If you want to discuss your strop this morning I will discuss it like adults. Otherwise, drop it."

You have to detach. She has no hold over you and you don't have to put up with this treatment.

This is the time to turn this around. If you're struggling it's because you're still casting yourself in the role of child and her as adult. Whereas she's actually a guest in your home, you're the adult in charge, it's your family, and she's only welcome as long as she behaves herself. If she was a teenager throwing a strop and storming off, you'd have plenty to say when she got back. You'd demand an apology for a start.

Be the adult..... she's being the child

This is really about power and control.

It is not your fault she is the ways she is; you did not cause her to act in the ways she does. She acts like this also because she can and learnt a long time ago (likely from her own parents) this as her own modus operandi.

Re Lweji's comment:-
"And instead of replying to what she says, ask her exactly why she thinks it's acceptable to speak to you like that".

Whilst this is useful in dealing with emotionally healthy people this may well not work with your mother. You may perhaps get some cutting remark like, "I'm sorry you took that so personally". Apologies from such people are never meant and are empty.

Do not let her back in or run after her. A line in the sand now has to be drawn. I would also suggest that it will do your child no favours at all to see her mother be so disrespected as you are. You really do need to detach emotionally from her because she will quite happily start on your child in a not too dissimilar a manner given any opportunity.

My guess too that in the past she has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

I would completely reassess your relationship with your mother and raise your boundaries a lot higher than they are currently. She is walking over you and you by her conditioning of you is allowing that to happen. Fear, obligation and guilt is playing a role here. I would not want such a person in my life at all, why is she at all in yours?. What does she bring to the table?.

I would argue that you only get on with your mother only when you say and do as she wants you to act. You would not tolerate this from a friend, she is no different.

Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward may well help you as would posting on the "well we took you to stately homes" thread.