Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Partner recently receiving lots of texts and secretive about who it is

20 replies

Tannitot · 12/02/2015 08:54

My partner is receiving texts from someone he says is an old friend from a previous job.
He has never mentioned this name to me before which to me is strange if it's an old friend.. He is in his thirties and says this lady is 55 or 60 and I have nothing to be concerned about.
I have the number and am tempted to call and see who it is but not sure what I can possibly say to get this information without letting on who I am. Can anyone help. I just find the situation strange...
Been on mumsnet a long time cutted up pear centerparcs etc but have name changed as feel stupid about this, had baby 3 months ago so hormones all over the place

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 12/02/2015 09:01

Have you seen any of the texts? Has he said why this lady is suddenly texting? And has his behaviour changed in any other ways?

I wouldn't call her personally, you're unlikely to get any answers from hearing her voice, unless you were considering asking her outright who she is?

Fudgeface123 · 12/02/2015 09:01

Ask him to show you the messages, if it's nothing then he'll have no problem. If he won't then you know the answer

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 09:08

What you're saying is that you don't believe your partner. Is he normally trustworthy or has he done this kind of thing beforea. If he really wanted to reassure you, he'd show you the texts.

Annarose2014 · 12/02/2015 09:11

Try typing it into FB. Occasionally its linked to their profile.

Original poster

Tannitot · 12/02/2015 09:12

Exactly he would have shown me but as I was asking him about the messages he already deleted them which is a normal thing for him he always reads and deletes. To be honest I do too as have little space left in my phone. It's certainly not unusual. He has been working more but I have seen his timesheets from work which were paid accordingly. She doesn't work there as I also worked there recently myself and would know the name. I want to call but not sure what to say without revealing who I am. Any ideas?

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 12/02/2015 09:22

Have you googled her number or searched it on local selling pages to double check it's who he claims it is? I'm quite adversarial at times so I would probably phone and say "is that 'Mabel'?" If she says yes, ask her why the sudden obsession with texting a married man, if she says " no it's Mary" then you know he's lying...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2015 09:25

I think you're addressing the problem from the wrong angle. If you don't believe your partner is telling the truth it's for him to prove that he's being honest, not for you to play detective and catch him out. You are allowed to say 'I don't believe you'. You're even allowed to say 'if I called this number, who would be on the other end and what would they tell me?'

Is there a specific reason why you don't belive him? Has this kind of thing happened before?

Sickoffrozen · 12/02/2015 09:29

Think is, from what you have said, he isn't secretive. He has told you. You are choosing not to believe him and that is your right obviously.

I would tread carefully with this one. When you said lots of tests. What are we talking about and how did you find out at all?

Original poster

Tannitot · 12/02/2015 09:35

He doesn't get network I'm the workplace so sometimes in the evening it could flash up 3 messages and then says 3 hours ago. They are delayed coming through. I've noticed since monday this week. He had an interview on Monday so I presumed it was someone from the interview. But he already had the results from the interview the next day but the texts continued.
I just find it strange as it's a woman's name apparently they have been friends for a few years yet he never mentioned her before. He also said he hadn't heard from her for ages until yesterday.
However he is not aware that I already knew he received from her from Monday.
It's the little lies associated. Plus he cannot remember where she works now bit strange for a friend.. I may ask someone to call for me as I wouldn't be good at doing that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Tannitot · 12/02/2015 09:37

Cogito of course you're right there. This morning he said he has nothing to prove as there's nothing going on. I said I want to see the next texts he receives..

OP posts:

Starlight9 · 12/02/2015 09:44

I found out my partner was messaging other woman previously (VERY early in the relationship). I now very bluntly ask to read a text if he receives one and I don't believe it's from his mum/sister/etc. Aslong as you don't do it constantly, you have a right to ask to see them. But he then has a right to refuse, then you have a right to not trust him. Xx

cuddybridge · 12/02/2015 10:42

I did phone the woman who was texting my H, and asked her why, she said she did it as they were friends, but it obviously put her off as she stopped soon afterwards. I wasn't confrontational with her, but I made it clear that I found it a problem.

bettyboop1970 · 12/02/2015 11:16

What Felicity advised, google number and see if it matches the name.
Tell DP how this is making you feel, see what reaction you get.

newnamefor15 · 12/02/2015 12:09

Her being older doesn't mean anything; most of the contacts I got when I was OLD were from younger men with a thing about older women! Also it might not be true...

However, don't go leaping to any conclusions. It's quite possible that he is telling the total truth and it is an old work colleague who's suddenly decided to get in touch again. I recently contacted a couple I haven't seen for a number of years and picked up the friendship again. As long as he is being open and not secretive about it, or starts disappearing off for hours for a new hobby or to work loads more than usual, I wouldn't worry about it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/02/2015 12:32

He said that she is an old friend and former colleague but you don't recall him mentioning her? Wouldn't it be normal to say hey Tannitot guess who I heard from today!

He told you she is old enough to be his mother so he might expect you to relax. A plausible explanation would have been, he asked her for a reference, or vice versa. I agree it doesn't quite ring true.

Original poster

Tannitot · 13/02/2015 18:32

So today this morning I saw some texts between them.
I had asked him last night to prove her age as he said she was the same age as his mother and that she doesn't live near us as this is what he had insisted.
The conversation basically was him asking when her birthday was then asking the year as well. She asked him for his birthday then he said so where are you based now and she replied with a place not local to us and just commenting on looking for other work. This time there were no xx on the end though which is strange to me.
Now starting to think this was staged for me to see. But why would someone do that? Am starting to feel very confused now.
He doesn't know that I have access to his phone as he's not told me his passcode however I did manage to work it out.
He didn't volunteer to show me this conversation last night although I also didn't ask.. I guess tonight I need to ask about that.

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 13/02/2015 19:47

Just ask him! His reaction should answer a thousand questions. You have every right to ask.

getthefeckouttahere · 13/02/2015 21:01

Starlight, i thought your post was interesting. I was thinking how i would feel if my other half asked to see my messages. Now i don't have the back story of ever inappropriately texting someone of the opposite sex, but my instinct was 'bugger that'. I don't know why i feel like that as i certainly have nothing to hide, (and never have had) it just feels instinctively wrong.

Not having a go in any way, i just found your post quite thought provoking.

fluffyraggies · 13/02/2015 21:10

So, have you seen some of their texts previously OP? You mention that this time there were no xxx's. What did the previous texts say?

Have you tried googling the number?

If i were suspicious about DH texing someone i would come right out with it and it would then be up to him to reassure me. Properly.

Ouchbloodyouch · 13/02/2015 21:12

My partner always knew my passcode and I always left my phone lying around. I've no idea whether he went through it or not but I had nothing to hide.
If he had to ask her where she lived and how old she was what on earth have they been texting about? I haven't seen a friend in years. I've added her on fb. Our opening lines were what are you doing now are you still living in xyz?

Flip